Date Archives September 2014

The Cloisters Museum of Art in NYC

One of my top priorities in New York was to visit The Cloisters Museum & Gardens: the branch of the Metropolitan Museum of Art dedicated solely to their extensive collection of medieval art and architecture. Instead of creating a copy of one specific building, The Cloisters combines religious and secular architecture in chronological order throughout the building. This makes each room a beautiful complement to the art as well as an immersive experience; it’s rare to see period art in context with its surroundings. Medieval art tends toward the highly religious, and while I’m not generally entranced with the subject matter, the craftsmanship is undeniable, and visiting The Cloisters was a unique opportunity that I refused to miss.  

Fuentiduena Chapel

LionLion relief tramples a dragon

Saint-Guilhem Cloister

archway

Bearded Men Fighting

Romanesque Hall

arch at the cloisters

Langon Chapel

ornate door handleDoor with ironwork

medieval chapel

Pontaut Chapter House

Monks from the Cistercian abbey at Pontaut in Aquitaine once gathered for daily meetings in this twelfth-century enclosure known as a chapter house. At the time of its purchase in the 1930s by a Parisian dealer, the column supports were being used to tether farm animals.

Archways

Cuxa Cloister & Garden

Both medieval and modern species of plants are grown in the garden, the pink stone of which was quarried in the twelfth century for the Benedictine monastery of Saint-Michel-de-Cuxa.

Cloisters Garden

Early Gothic Hall

Stained glass

head perhaps of an angelThe title of this piece of artwork kills me: “Head, perhaps of an Angel”. It reminds me of nothing so much as the conclusions that the Ghost Adventures bros leap to. You could just call it “Head”? Or stick to your convictions and call it “Angel Head”?

Gothic Chapel

The Gothic Chapel contains stained glass windows from fourteenth century Austria and carved images from royal and noble tombs of Spain and France.

Chapel at the Cloisters

Glass Gallery

our lord's bongOur father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy bong

Dragon eating a manA water vessel of a dragon eating a man or a man escaping from a dragon’s mouth.

Brass unicorn water vesselUnicorn water vessel

brass water vesselsSelection of fanciful water vessels

 stained glass at cloisters

Seasonal Cafe in Trie Cloister

The cafe at the CloistersJason, refreshed after drinking a $6 bottle of medieval Sprite. My $6 medieval water was just ok.

Treasury

A room that illustrates the wealth of medieval churches, containing precious objects wrought in gold, silver, ivory, and silk.

Bishop's robesIn days of old when knights were bold, bishops dressed like wizards.

a chalice for serious drinkingThis chalice is legit. Even crappy booze would seem fancy when sipped out of this thing, which after you paid for it, would be the only type of booze you could afford.

illuminated bibleIlluminated bible

medieval playing cards15th century illuminated playing cards

golden handThis must be Jamie Lannister’s lesser-used gold hand reserved for fun times.

quatrefoil stained glassQuatrefoil roundel with arms and secular scenes

Silver mary and bishopBishop saint and female saint wrought in silver. I feel that it’s a missed opportunity to not have had reproductions in the gift shop as salt and pepper shakers.

Boppard Room

Stained glassStained glass from the fifteenth century Carmelite convent

Merode Roomceiling beamsEven the wood beams on the ceilings in the Merode Room were works of art!

Late Gothic Hall

st michael defeats the antichristThe archangel Michael defeats the antichrist. Possibly the inspiration for the “bitchin tattoo” an ex of mine expressed a desire to acquire. Frankly, this depiction of the antichrist only raises more questions for me, like, what the eff does he do with all of those mouths and why is he helping Michael to jab him through the uppermost mouth and if he has mouths all over and salamander arms and chicken feet, why are Christians worried that he walks among us unseen? He’s not exactly Waldo, I’m pretty sure I could pick him out of a crowd with no trouble.

Nine Heroes Tapestries Room

From a series of nine hangings created around 1400 for a member of the Valois court; they are among the earliest sets of surviving medieval tapestries.

medieval tapestry

Unicorn Tapestries Room

The Cloisters wouldn’t be what it is without the contributions of  John D Rockefeller Jr–not only did he donate the land for the site of the museum, but he also donated a significant amount of land around the museum to preserve the view of the Hudson river, as well as donating works of art from his own collection, including the Unicorn Tapestries. In truth, the Unicorn Tapestries were the main impetus behind my visit. I’ve always had it bad for unicorns, and I recall first encountering the Unicorn Tapestries in an enormous book in the library filled with unicorn art throughout history. The book was incredible…and I never saw it in the library again, nor have been able to find its like. It was then that I realized that the introduction to The Last Unicorn cribbed heavily from the Unicorn Tapestries. Well, one of them, anyway.

Their origin and symbolism remain a mystery. The initials found in several of the tapestries point to two different potential owners/commissioners, as well as signs that they may be part of two separate sets. If not, there’s debate as to whether they were woven in Brussels or the Netherlands and as to whether their meaning is religious or secular. My uneducated belief is secular, if only because by this point in the museum, it was clear that people weren’t exactly afraid of putting Jesus on everything so there wasn’t exactly a need to couch it in hunt symbolism.

We didn’t enter the Unicorn Tapestries room until close to the end of our visit, and I’m not exaggerating when I say it’s the closest thing to a religious experience I’ve ever had. Here is this artwork that I’ve seen small, lesser versions of for over twenty five years, in person, large as life. Much larger than I’d imagined. Vivid, astoundingly detailed. Lush. I almost cried at their beauty.

Nothing compares with seeing them in person, but the Met has high quality scans so you can see more of the detail. They did offer Unicorn in Captivity tapestry decorative pillows in the gift shop, but they were pale shadows compared to the original, which is a shame. If they were even somewhat close to the beauty of the tapestries themselves, I’d have flung money at them for the opportunity to have a reminder in my home of how I felt standing in the Cloisters.

Unicorn Tapestries roomThe 7th, 2nd, and 3rd Unicorn Tapestries (l-r)

unicorn tapestries roomThe 4th, 5th, and 6th Unicorn Tapestries (l-r)

The unicorn purifies the waterThe 2nd tapestry, The Unicorn is Found. Also known as The Unicorn at the Fountain.

Bunny detailJason attempted to point out these bunny butts on the second tapestry to me, and apparently his finger crossed some sort of laser beam line because all of a sudden a siren was going off and a guard was furiously motioning at us to stay away from the tapestries. He didn’t touch anything! That bun is an instigator. Troublemaker. Tattler.

The unicorn leaps the streamDetail of the 3rd tapestry, The Unicorn is Attacked or The Unicorn Leaps the Stream

majestic fireplaceThe fireplace to end all fireplaces in the Unicorn Tapestries room!

The unicorn defends himselfDetail of the 4th tapestry, The Unicorn Defends Itself

The unicorn is captured by the maidenFragments of the 5th tapestry, The Mystic Capture of the Unicorn

the unicorn is killed and brought to the castleDetail of the 6th tapestry, The Unicorn is Killed and Brought to the Castle

The unicorn in captivityDetail of the 7th tapestry, The Unicorn in Captivity

 

Nom or Vom: The Most Goth Burger Ever

japanese black burger

Burger King Japan is going to be rolling out these babies soon: black burgers with buns and cheese colored with bamboo charcoal topped with an onion and garlic sauce colored with squid ink. Oh, and the burger itself is flavored with black pepper, to fit the theme. I think if they wanted to make a truly theme appropriate black burger, they need to hire black metal bands to play in the lobby and source the meat from those all-black Indonesian Ayam Cemani chickens, but then again, no one is going to pay $1000+ for a chicken burger from Burger King.

Pros: Still a burger, how bad could it be?

Cons: That oil slick of cheese really looks unappetizing, I don’t think a bun is supposed to have the sheen of hard plastic, looks like it should come with a tiny whip suitable for cracking the fingers of those who would steal your fries, your poops are going to be insane, it’s not like Burger King is known for high-quality anything

Would you eat a black burger?

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Mellzah vs the city of New York, Also Known As My Badly Photoshopped Vacation

We took an Amtrak train from Albany to NYC: normally I’m pro renting a car on trips, but in this instance, I wanted nothing to do with driving in New York City proper. Or finding parking. Or paying for parking. Or any of it, really. So the train it was, and I discovered that train travel is actually really awesome. The seats are enormous, as is the gap between them. They recline enough so you can actually sleep and you don’t have to worry about cracking into someone’s knees when doing so. I loved it, and I’m definitely going to explore my options for future travel by train. But enough of my gushing: I was feeling a little off when we left Albany. By the time we pulled into Penn Station, it hurt to swallow and my head felt even larger than normal. Uh-oh. But maybe I wasn’t getting sick. Maybe all I needed was a rest in the hotel room and I’d be ready for a fresh start the following morning.

NOPE. By the next morning, a full blown war was raging in my body. Sore throat, stuffy head, cold sweats…the works. Oh, and I got my period, too. Fuck me, right? It wasn’t fair. I hadn’t licked a subway pole or eaten at Subway! But colds don’t give a damn about fair, and I was forced to cut down my NYC to-do list significantly. So without further ado, here’s the badly photoshopped vacation I should have had:

Brooklyn Museum Mini Statue of LibertyOriginal photo by Neil R

Holy shit, it’s the smaller Statue of Liberty in Brooklyn outside the Brooklyn Museum! Why is there snow on the ground in August? Quiet, you!  I would have been all over their Egyptian installations as well as their 19th century modern exhibit. Now I can only imagine how awesome it could have been.

cronutOriginal photo by Rachel Lovinger

Wow, a cronut from Dominique Ansel Bakery! So delicious! So trendy! I love trendy food! And eating! I would have gotten up at the asscrack of dawn and waited in line for an hour to eat this, at which point I probably would have pronounced it not worth getting up for, but the point of the thing is to try it, not enjoy it.

 

Giant Penny NYCOriginal photo by Danny Birchall

I found…a giant penny! Could this be the best day of my life? I actually went looking for this thing because y’all know I’ve got a thing for pennies but I think the address listed in Roadside America was a bit off, so it eluded me and I was too sick and crabby to keep looking.

MMuseummOriginal photo by Panda073

Mmuseumm, NYC’s smallest museum. Located in an alley, only open on the weekends, collections rotate but once included a selection of fake vomit, and the permanent collection includes the shoe thrown at George W Bush. I live for this shit.

Ninja RestaurantOriginal photo by Alan Teo

What do I love more than overpriced food in a kitschy setting where there’s an element of fake danger and possibly things are lit on fire for my amusement and the whole thing is attached to a gift shop? Fucking nothing. I would have eaten every goddamn tofu ninja star in the place, bought the t-shirt, and ninji-chopped things on the way back to the hotel.

NYC Museum of ScienceOriginal photo by Adnan Islam

The NY Museum of Science in Queens has a minigolf course that teaches you about science while you curse at a ball and artificially lower your score. I’m a scientist. I fucking love mini golf. I’ve been known to enjoy a museum in my time.

Obscura OdditiesOriginal photo by dishfunctional

I would have bought so much shit for our house at Obscura Antiques and Oddities. I want my house to look like a creepy-ass museum full of shit that people have no idea what to do with when I’m dead. Maybe we would have run into Amy Sedaris who supposedly lives down the street and shops there all the time. Maybe my life would have been complete.

Queens MuseumOriginal photo by Katie

The Queens Museum has a bunch of the remaining World’s Fair stuff (there’s another one coming soon, right? Before Friday?) and a sweet panorama of 1964 New York in perfect miniature scale. YES. Fuck yes. I would have totally gone if I didn’t have a sobbing breakdown in Grand Central Station about how tired and sick I was!

Smorgasburg BrooklynOriginal photo by Howard Walfish

Smorgasburg Brooklyn, an addition to the Brooklyn flea with 150 bomb-ass food stations and a killer view? I would have eaten myself poor or to death, whichever came first.

 

Rockefeller CenterOriginal photo by Flodigrip’s World

Wow, we’re on top of the world! Look at all of those sights we could have seen!

NY Transit Museum Subway CarOriginal photo by Kevin Case

Public transit in NYC is awesome. Maybe not 100% of the time if you’re commuting or what have you, but it’s generally easy to get where you want to go and transparent to visitors which makes it a million times better than the system in Seattle, which I have to assume was set up and is administered by people who actively hate people who take public transit. At the Transit Museum,  I was going to learn their secrets and bring them back home, like a hero.

Greenwood CemeteryOriginal photo by Jason Eppink

Inside the Greenwood Cemetery is a statue that originally stood at City Hall, was moved to Queens, and was eventually banished to the cemetery for being too ugly and offensive. A statue with a mostly nude man stomping on mermaids called The Triumph of Civic Virtue. A statue that Anthony “Dick Pic” Weiner wanted to try and sell on Craigslist. That’s right, that guy was offended by this statue. I wanted to bear witness to it in person.

OMG Amy PoehlerOriginal photo by Hard Seat Sleeper

Oh wow, we got tickets to Asssscat 3000 and Amy Poehler was there! She’s so funny and awesome! I’m so glad I was able to go instead of spending the night shivering and sweating in a hotel room!

Ghostbusters BuildingOriginal photo by Charlie Phillips

Oh wow, it’s the Ghostbusters building! And it’s still haunted by Slimer! Good thing we’re there and kitted out in ghost-fighting Viking gear!

MurricaOriginal photo by Josullivan.59

Amurrica! Statue of Liberty! I feel so patriotic in its presence, like I could haul around a ton of guns in public because that’s what patriots do! I definitely didn’t just take a peek at it in the distance before boarding the Staten Island Ferry and decide to turn around and go back to the hotel because “eh, I’ve seen it”. No way, it was totally inspiriring. Bonus: what it would have looked like if we went up into the crown if tickets hadn’t sold out months before I even thought to check!

Ghostbusters Statue of Liberty Head

 

 

 

All photos used under a creative commons remix  license, some non-commercial, some share-alike, with the exception of the last photo which is a screencap of Ghostbusters II and used entirely without permission. Amy Poehler also appears without her knowledge or permission.