Adventures in retail

Phone call transcription:

“Thank you for calling Guitar Center Kirkland, home of the guaranteed lowest price! This is Melissa, how may I direct your call?” “…You mean this isn’t a recording?” “Nope! I’m a living, breathing human being.” “Wow! Because you sound just like a recording. I’m going to have to give you 1,428 points for that. I just don’t have any choice in the matter.”

“….Um…Can I help you?”

Literally five minutes later, a guy walks up to me and comments on the red garland I’ve taken to wearing as a scarf.

“Festive! It looks cool, but doesn’t it hurt you?” “oh, well, it itches a bit, but nothing too bad.” “I like that. I’m into the pain thing. It turns me on.”

….I thought I no longer worked at a porn store?

17 Comments Adventures in retail

  1. mxpwr December 22, 2004 at 5:15 am

    You are like a freak magnet.
    If I was you, I would carry a hand gun… but then I would use it, and I would have to spend Christmas in Jail…Again. The food is not very good in the joint, so maybe you should leave the gun at home.
    Use some Ninja shit on them freaks.

    1. smacksaw December 23, 2004 at 1:51 am

      I’d say a taser.

    2. admin December 23, 2004 at 7:46 am

      My freak magnet is always active. Soon I’ll post the story of how I was accosted on Capitol Hill.

      I have to avoid using violent tactics against the freakazoids I attract, as once I started my prison term, I’d need to fuck someone in the ass to make them my bitch, and I simply lack the proper equipment.

  2. brett_is_best December 22, 2004 at 5:43 am

    You can take Mel out of the porn store but you can’t, uhm… I ran out of funny.

    1. smacksaw December 23, 2004 at 1:52 am

      Take the vibrating dildo with pearls out of Mel?

    2. admin December 23, 2004 at 7:48 am

      I should start working at another porn store. It’d be easy money and I’d be able to mock a considerably higher number of people in my blog.

  3. shadowstitch December 22, 2004 at 11:59 am

    I wear a santa hat and put candy canes in my coat’s buttonholes, which I offer to kids whose parents never taught them the wisdom of not taking candy from men in black trenchcoats.

    1. admin December 23, 2004 at 7:42 am

      Children in the schoolyard
      hard at play
      Man behind the trees with his candy on the way

      Run away
      Run away from the man with the candy
      Run away

      Children with the candy
      in his van
      drive to a secluded location
      down with the pants

      Children run away with the man with the candy

      Back in the schoolyard
      he’s hard at play
      joining in with all the children’s games

      Children run away from the man with candy
      Children run away

      The principal has a few words for the man
      Better get out of here and take your van

      Then he’s gone
      As he rides past your lawn

      Children run away
      The man with the candy has come to play with you today.

      1. shadowstitch December 23, 2004 at 1:10 pm

        I’m doing my part to combat stereotypes!

  4. Anonymous December 22, 2004 at 2:49 pm

    No no no

    You were supposed to say something witty like “I am mellzahbot humanoid response system. Fear me meatbag as we enslave your worthless species through hypnotic automated answer systems!” If you were still in the porn store, you could have used the “I’m a sophisticated sex robot sent back in time to change your future.” or something. That might have worked with the pain guy though.

    For christmas, we should all chip in and get you a taser or stun gun. The freaks you attract warrant it and we can’t have you in Seattle without protection. 🙂


    1. admin December 23, 2004 at 7:38 am

      Re: No no no

      I wouldn’t mind having a taser. The only problem would be my uncontrollable desire to try the taser out on someone. I’ve managed not to Mace anyone yet, but the urge has been STRONG.

      1. Anonymous December 23, 2004 at 2:52 pm

        Re: No no no

        That’s what the customers are for. 🙂

        1. admin December 23, 2004 at 10:56 pm

          Re: No no no

          right, right, and the jail time comes after that.

  5. goosezilla December 22, 2004 at 7:24 pm

    I have to base my reactions after you answer me this:

    Was he hot? 😉
    (I’m guessing no, but I must ask!)

    1. admin December 23, 2004 at 7:37 am

      Just about as hot as the toothless guy who wanted to bed the piratebot–in other words, NOT AT ALL.

      1. goosezilla December 23, 2004 at 6:56 pm

        You should just put them in your pocket and keep them in a terrarium and charge admission.

        1. admin December 23, 2004 at 10:55 pm

          If I could do that, I’d be a woman of leisure in a month’s time!

Comments are closed.