Phone call transcription:
“Thank you for calling Guitar Center Kirkland, home of the guaranteed lowest price! This is Melissa, how may I direct your call?” “…You mean this isn’t a recording?” “Nope! I’m a living, breathing human being.” “Wow! Because you sound just like a recording. I’m going to have to give you 1,428 points for that. I just don’t have any choice in the matter.”
“….Um…Can I help you?”
Literally five minutes later, a guy walks up to me and comments on the red garland I’ve taken to wearing as a scarf.
“Festive! It looks cool, but doesn’t it hurt you?” “oh, well, it itches a bit, but nothing too bad.” “I like that. I’m into the pain thing. It turns me on.”
….I thought I no longer worked at a porn store?
You are like a freak magnet.
If I was you, I would carry a hand gun… but then I would use it, and I would have to spend Christmas in Jail…Again. The food is not very good in the joint, so maybe you should leave the gun at home.
Use some Ninja shit on them freaks.
I’d say a taser.
My freak magnet is always active. Soon I’ll post the story of how I was accosted on Capitol Hill.
I have to avoid using violent tactics against the freakazoids I attract, as once I started my prison term, I’d need to fuck someone in the ass to make them my bitch, and I simply lack the proper equipment.
You can take Mel out of the porn store but you can’t, uhm… I ran out of funny.
Take the vibrating dildo with pearls out of Mel?
I should start working at another porn store. It’d be easy money and I’d be able to mock a considerably higher number of people in my blog.
I wear a santa hat and put candy canes in my coat’s buttonholes, which I offer to kids whose parents never taught them the wisdom of not taking candy from men in black trenchcoats.
Children in the schoolyard
hard at play
Man behind the trees with his candy on the way
Run away
Run away from the man with the candy
Run away
Children with the candy
in his van
drive to a secluded location
down with the pants
Children run away with the man with the candy
today
Back in the schoolyard
he’s hard at play
joining in with all the children’s games
Children run away from the man with candy
Children run away
The principal has a few words for the man
Better get out of here and take your van
Then he’s gone
As he rides past your lawn
Children run away
The man with the candy has come to play with you today.
I’m doing my part to combat stereotypes!
No no no
You were supposed to say something witty like “I am mellzahbot humanoid response system. Fear me meatbag as we enslave your worthless species through hypnotic automated answer systems!” If you were still in the porn store, you could have used the “I’m a sophisticated sex robot sent back in time to change your future.” or something. That might have worked with the pain guy though.
For christmas, we should all chip in and get you a taser or stun gun. The freaks you attract warrant it and we can’t have you in Seattle without protection. 🙂
-TDA
Re: No no no
I wouldn’t mind having a taser. The only problem would be my uncontrollable desire to try the taser out on someone. I’ve managed not to Mace anyone yet, but the urge has been STRONG.
Re: No no no
That’s what the customers are for. 🙂
Re: No no no
right, right, and the jail time comes after that.
I have to base my reactions after you answer me this:
Was he hot? 😉
(I’m guessing no, but I must ask!)
Just about as hot as the toothless guy who wanted to bed the piratebot–in other words, NOT AT ALL.
You should just put them in your pocket and keep them in a terrarium and charge admission.
If I could do that, I’d be a woman of leisure in a month’s time!