“Well, I believe you’re required to provide a vegetarian alternative.”

I’m pretty excited by the news that Congress has declared pizza to be a vegetable. It’s always been a struggle for me to meet my daily vegetable requirements, but not anymore! In a world where two tablespoons is equal to half a cup, I can eat veggies for lunch, dinner, and have cold leftover veggies for breakfast the next day. Can burgers being declared vegetables be far behind? How long until I’m applauded for stopping at a McDonald’s for lunch to buy a double quarter pounder with cheese, because everyone will know that I’m only in it for the three servings of vegetables included: ketchup, pickle, and minced onion? I know that late at night, especially after some drinking, there’s nothing that I crave more than four servings of vegetables in one handy place, which is why I stop at Jack in the Box and load an ultimate cheeseburger up with onion rings and jalepeno poppers. If I’m feeling extra ambitious, a side order of fries deep fried in vegetable oil will count as two more servings, for nearly an entire day’s worth of vegetables in one meal! I may even take up eating vegetables for mid-day snacks, especially if strawberry basil ice cream is declared a vegetable.

Being healthy is AWESOME. I may even become inspired to spread this healthy lifestyle around by becoming a pizza farmer. Any idea where I can get some pizza seeds?

7 Comments “Well, I believe you’re required to provide a vegetarian alternative.”

  1. epiphannie November 17, 2011 at 8:27 pm

    This, brought to you by the same types who believe trickle-down economics works and that taxing the lower and middle classes for the excesses and misdeeds of the corporate oligarchy is acceptable.

    Congress can go fuck itself. Verily.

    1. Mellzah November 17, 2011 at 9:38 pm

      It’s nice that these businesses can just ask Congress to do something that’s contradictory to public health and they practically fall over themselves in their rush to do it, but when their constituents ask for things by sitting out in the cold for over two months straight, they get blown off.

  2. epiphannie November 17, 2011 at 8:29 pm

    Oh, and the priviledged can increase health insurance premiums on all those newly created health fanatics with their daily pizza practices. It all makes sense….

    1. Mellzah November 17, 2011 at 9:41 pm

      Yeah, because them eating pizza daily from elementary school on will be a “pre-existing vegetable condition”. It’s like they’re trying to kill off kids before they can grow to need social security benefits.

  3. christopher575 November 18, 2011 at 12:40 am

    I have watched your video at least five times now.

    1. Mellzah November 18, 2011 at 2:49 am

      Hahaha awesome! 😀 I may well have that tune running through my head FOREVER.

  4. Phil C. November 18, 2011 at 2:06 pm

    Pizza sure as hell isn’t a vegetable the way *I* eat it (pepperoni, ground beef and sometimes sausage too).

    Besides, it is clearly its OWN food group. Much like sugar, caffeine and alcohol.


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