My downstairs neighbor has a considerable number of cats, which they let roam all over the apartment complex via a hole cut in their blinds and a removed screen on their window. A lot of of times, I’ll come home and there will be a cat sitting on my stairs. I often sit and play with them for a few minutes, as in this way I can get all of the fun parts of cat interaction and none of the downsides like litter boxes and baths and destroyed furniture. I’ve determined that they must wait on my stairs in shifts, as when I came home from comedy on Wednesday, one I’d never seen before was sitting there. I played with it for a few minutes and then went upstairs. As soon as I opened the door, the cat shot past me and RIGHT INTO MY APARTMENT.

…I quickly learned that opening the door and prancing back outside like one is the Pied Piper of Cats will not entice a cat to follow you out of your home. Shit. Shit. I don’t want to try and pick it up, how else can I get it to leave? Tuna! I have a can of tuna in my pantry; I’ll open it up and the cat will not be able to resist following me out the door. Now where is my can opener? Still packed in a box somewhere. Dammit! Ok, here’s a can of chicken salad with a ring tab. Maybe THAT smell will be enough to convince the cat to leave. My next lesson was that standing in the doorway, propping the door open with one hand and leaning out of the apartment as far as humanly possible while holding a can of chicken salad in the other hand will cause a cat to poke his head out the door to sniff and quickly retreat into the apartment.

It was becoming clear to me that I had no choice but to pick the cat up and carry it outside. In my limited interactions with cats, I have come to understand that a lot of them don’t like being picked up, so I approached it rather warily. I didn’t want to corner the cat and thereby scare it, because then I’d just be ANGLING for bites and scratches, but it was zipping around, checking EVERYTHING out. I finally got near it, and I thought all of my fears and concerns were for nothing, as when I picked it up, it was purring. Apparently cats also purr when they are incredibly pissed off, the way a dog can wag its tail when growling, because when I approached the door, I had a screaming, spitting, hissing, writhing bundle of cat in my hands. It was there that I realized I had another problem–I need a hand free to open the door. But there’s no way I want to let go of the cat with one hand and cradle it with an arm against my body. NO WAY. By some miracle of dextrous circus-freak limbs, I was able to get the door opened with my foot. Then came the debate of how I was supposed to go about setting it down. I couldn’t just put this angry cat on its feet, as it would just bite me and run back inside. And although I was agitated myself at this point, I could never participate in a willful act of cat-tossing.

So I did the only thing it seemed reasonable to do. I carried it down the stairs, still yowling, and shoved it through the hole in my neighbor’s window. Am I sure it was their cat? No.

10 Comments Cat-ass-trophe

  1. starladear13 June 21, 2006 at 1:17 am

    So you’re saying I would LOVE Kent?!

    1. admin June 21, 2006 at 1:50 am

      All I’m saying is that your soulmate probably lives here.

    2. smacksaw June 21, 2006 at 2:49 am

      Don’t let her insult you that way!

      1. admin June 21, 2006 at 2:52 am

        Oh CMON, it isn’t bad. Really. Am I going to make fun of it in my standup routine? Of course! But the area I live in is actually decent.

        1. v1c1ous June 21, 2006 at 5:51 am

          Speaking of which, when are you going to be at Pegasus again? I’ve been writing material in preparation for bombing on stage at open mic night and I would love it if you were there to laugh at my failure.

          1. admin June 21, 2006 at 5:58 am

            Actually, tomorrow. 🙂 If you’re not too busy with crunch time, you should come! Pegasus doesn’t ‘officially’ have an open mic night–but talk to Dave before the show starts and I can’t imagine why he wouldn’t give you some time. The only places I know of around here with open mic nights are the Comedy Underground and Giggles. You get more time at Giggles than the Comedy Underground, but the catch there is that you have to keep your material clean–which is why I have not yet made an appearance at Giggles. But that stuff doesn’t matter, anyway, because I’m sure Dave will give you time. ALWAYS good to have some fresh blood in on Wednesdays!

  2. fraxl June 21, 2006 at 1:23 am

    regarding the cat: LOL!
    regarding this post: yay!

    1. admin June 21, 2006 at 1:53 am

      🙂 We should get together soon!

  3. smacksaw June 21, 2006 at 2:50 am

    I think you should entice the cats into your place, and then if Ned shows up you can agitate the cats and toss them at Ned.

    1. admin June 21, 2006 at 2:55 am

      That is a good plan, except for the part about keeping cats in my apartment. I think I will just train my fish to attack on command.

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