In 1492, Columbus sailed the ocean blue…and didn’t really do squat. Or at least he didn’t do what he’s been given credit for. But really, any shyster doing anything is a good enough excuse for the federal government to take a holiday, so while workers like you and I continued to toil, the post office workers got to spend a day at home watching tv and polishing their guns.
However, apparently Fed Ex employees still bust their buns on Columbus day, because when I got home, a note was on my door stating that they’d tried to deliver a package at 11am, but the dog was unable to sign for it due to a lack of opposable thumbs, and that it was waiting for me in the manager’s office.
Queen Bee-otch gave me a glare-y look when I walked in the door and picked it up; I expect she’ll make a snotty remark to me when I go to pick up the (at least two) boxes I’ll have in the office this afternoon. To which I will shrug and reply, no MATTER WHAT SHE SAYS, “The spice must flow.” Which she will not be hip enough to get, but may or may not lead her to believe that I am either (a) a gourmet chef or (b) a drug dealer.
At some point over the next couple of weeks, I plan to mail myself the floppiest dildo I can find, and THAT one, I will unwrap in the office and squeal “OMG THE NEW SHIPMENT HAS ARRIVED!!!” or “I WILL BE SO BUSY THIS WEEKEND!!!” or nonchalantly waggle it while informing the manager that I need someone to fix my clogged drain. I haven’t decided yet.
Look what apestyle sent me, you guys!
This Sunday I plan on having my pagan pumpkin festival–invites have already gone out via myspace and facebook, but should you not have either one of those handy doodads and want to attend, let me know.
On Saturday night (the 13th) I really, really, REALLY want to go to Maris Farms’ Haunted Woods. It’s supposed to be insanely scary! $15-$20, depending on how long you’re willing to wait in line. Since it’s even down past my neck of the woods, it seems that the best thing to do would be to meet at my place and carpool the rest of the way. Yes/No/Maybe So?
I’m totally getting on that this weekend.
It’s gonna be rad.
The pumpkin carving fest or the scary woods walk? 😀
Oh, I meant the mailing of horrible packages.
I’m sadly house bound from the 13th to like the 21st as they fix the damage to my car that King Asshat of the hit-n-run did to my driver’s side. ‘Tis lame.
Mailing of horrible packages is also awesome! 🙂
Isn’t this your second turn at being a hit-and-run victim? What you need is a batmobile with spikes that jab out of the sides if anything approaches. Sure, you might find a would-be car thief impaled on your door a time or two, but there’d be no more of this housebound crap.
Does this mean you’re not doing the zombie walk in Fremont on the 21st?
Yup, that it is. The first time a good samaritan saw it and wrote down the bus info.
The second… no deal. They scraped along the side of my car and the car in front of me, ripping off both of our mirrors and damaging the hell out of the sides.
Yaaaay for drunken assholes in the middle of the night!
Oh, I’ll make it to the zombie walk, even if it means public transportation. I’m not 100% home bound, just enough so that it’s got to be a reasonable bussing distance.
That sucks HARD. It seems to me that there should be stiffer penalties for driving drunk, and then people would think before they destroy someone else’s property or potentially kill someone. For example, in Finland and Sweden, get caught driving drunk and you automatically go to jail for a year. Bulgaria? A second offense results in execution. El Salvador–screw up ONCE and it’s execution by firing squad. Even if punishments like those aren’t a deterrent, we’d STILL eventually have less idiots on the road…
I will see you at the Zombie Walk, then!
I think we should take a page out of El Salvadore’s book, get a proposition to execute drunk drivers on the first offense, name it something innocuous like Proposition 2810 (like ANYONE is going to actually research that crap, most people just yea or nay regardless), and get it on all the state ballots.
It would pass. It would pass so hard.
I have a feeling this is the only way we will save ourselves from the grim future portrayed in Idiocracy.
It is possible that you might be able to catch a ride with someone, if you felt like it, maybe.
Just sayin’.
At some point over the next couple of weeks, I plan to mail myself the floppiest dildo I can find, and THAT one, I will unwrap in the office and squeal “OMG THE NEW SHIPMENT HAS ARRIVED!!!” or “I WILL BE SO BUSY THIS WEEKEND!!!” or nonchalantly waggle it while informing the manager that I need someone to fix my clogged drain. I haven’t decided yet.
you owe me one new keyboard and monitor.
i’m still suffering aftershocks from laughing so hard at this!
You should know by now that ROBOT JOKES MAY STRIKE AT ANY TIME!
I’d love to go! But sadly… I have a: no money and B: A PA-forum friend coming down for the weekend. So that kills that plan 🙁
I will be sending you a package however… mwahaha….
There’s always next year–unless someone does shock treatment on me, I’ll still be nutso about Halloween. 😀
http://www.pierogy.com/retail/default.asp
Website I was telling you about, to assist in your (delish!) onslaught.
Oh pierogies, why are you so delicious?
NOM NOM NOM
THIS IS WHAT I LOOK LIKE. NOM NOM NOM.
WILL YOU BE MY GIRLFRIEND?
That llama needs orthodontia!
WHOA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1!1!1111ONE
THERE’S A TRANSFORMERS CARD GAME?!?!?
Is it a CCG, or just play out of the box?!
HOW DID I MISS THIS!??!
Re: WHOA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1!1!1111ONE
According to the website, it’s a CCG. 🙂
THE SPICE MUST FLOW.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. That is AWESOME.
Yeah, the spice must flow! HAHAHA, I get it, really I do. That Gordon Ramsay, what a CARD!