Yesterday, I got a virus. I was double-bagging my PC, running both Avast and AVG, and I STILL got the PC herps. Something popped up on my task bar and informed me that my computer was infected. I thought to myself, “Hmm, self, that shield on the task bar does not appear to be something that I installed. Let me run one of my virus scanners and see if I can knock it out.” ERROR MESSAGE: That program cannot be opened as it is infected. Would you like to activate your antivirus software now?

OH SO THAT IS THE WAY YOU ARE GOING TO PLAY.

I tried the online scanner, housecall. YOU CANNOT RUN THAT, IT IS INFECTED. THAT WEBSITE IS INFECTED. HERE IS PORNO.COM WHICH IS TOTALLY NOT INFECTED.

Fine. Fine fine fine. I will open the task manager and see if can shut down suspicious processes from there. TASKMANAGER IS INFECTED, WOULD YOU LIKE TO ACTIVATE YOUR ANTIVIRUS SOFTWARE NOW? ALSO WE NOTICED YOU DIDN’T SPEND VERY LONG ON PORNO.COM, WHAT ARE YOU, THE FASTEST GUN IN THE WEST OR COMPLETELY ASEXUAL? HERE IT IS AGAIN.

I ran out of ideas quickly. Everyone should have someone to go to when they run out of ideas and their urge to kill is rising. My go-to guy is shadowstitch, who not only talked me out of throwing my pc out the window and down the embankment toward the highway in a Hulk-esque hiss-fit rage and then flinging myself on the ground and having a world-class tantrum, but worked me through the problem, and told me some delightful stories about bounty hunters wandering through his backyard brandishing guns, rednecks, and some of the filthiest people alive.

This post is basically a public service announcement to inform everyone that shadowstitch is the wind beneath my wings. And that sometimes, even double-bagging isn’t enough to protect your electronic wang from sexy misadventure.