James Monroe’s colossal nose was bigger than Pinnochio’s!

Last week, I went thrifting with mschilepepper on an important mission. Mission? NOT ACCOMPLISHED. However, we were arguably distracted by an item of incredible awesomeness. When I saw it, I laughed so hard, I nearly fell over, but decided I couldn’t justify its purchase as buying something merely to mock it seems like a level of kitsch I’m not yet willing to embrace.

As we were waiting in line with her finds, mschilepepper turned and asked me if I was suuuure I didn’t want to buy this item, and that, ladies and gentlemen, was when my freak magnet kicked in. This time, I drew an astonishingly drunk woman into my orbit. Bear in mind, it’s 1:30 in the afternoon on a Thursday, so even SORT of drunk would be mildly astonishing. But she was not sort of drunk. She was ragingly drunk, so soused that when she spoke, I felt both sanitized and nearly contact-buzzed. She slurred and asked me to show her this amazing item because ‘you can talk ’em down’, and when I trotted back, her jaw dropped.

“Thatsh…thatsh a collectorsh item, thatsh…amashing! Thatsh an inveschtment!”

mschilepepper tried to negotiate the price of our investment with the counter lady, but she would have none of it–which is when Drunky McDrunkerson announced that she wanted to be part of this moment and flung money on the counter. After I paid the balance, Drunky McDrunkerson kept rubbing my back and giving me hugs and saying she was SO HAPPY for me and the investment I’d just made, and that she was SO GLAD to be a part of it, and then she stumbled off into the midafternoon sunshine.

But just what the fuck was it that I had bought? This great investment?

Only the most brilliant plate of all time:

It makes me laugh that these keen platemakers found a way to align George Washington, Ronald Reagan, and George H.W.Bush (because I am SURE it is not a coincidence). It makes me laugh that H.W.’s picture is sooo much larger than all of the rest. I kind of can’t wait to serve people cookies on this plate and see their reaction.

I also kind of want to decopauge Obama’s face onto the eagle’s shield. Or maybe my face, with my dictator moustache. Would that ruin my ‘inveschtment’, do you think?

23 Comments James Monroe’s colossal nose was bigger than Pinnochio’s!

  1. evillinn January 19, 2009 at 7:02 pm

    Best inveschtment EVER. I’m a wee bit jealous. But overriding my jealousy is the relief that someone I know was able to get their hands on this beauty.

    I do have one question – is Nixon actually making the ick-face, or is that just a trick of the camera?

    1. admin January 19, 2009 at 7:15 pm

      He is actually making an ick-face. I think maybe he’s not thrilled about his plately neighbors.

  2. stationary_jew January 19, 2009 at 7:31 pm

    Definitely no way they could even pretend that alignment was a coincidence. Not only do we have the outer ring ending at 12 o’clock, instead of matching the inner ring’s beginning there, but there is no rational basis for making Franklin Pierce the last of the early Presidents.

    If you’re going to add Obama, you have to fill in the gap by also having Clinton and W – presumably they’d be involved with the talons, somehow.

    1. admin January 19, 2009 at 7:42 pm

      I figured if I added Clinton and W, they’d fit in well in the negative spaces left by the wings near Madison and Taylor.

      1. stationary_jew January 19, 2009 at 7:57 pm

        I think that to fit them there (and not clip the eagle’s wings), you’d have to make them the smallest men on the plate.

        1. admin January 19, 2009 at 8:04 pm

          Would it be better to clip the eagle’s wings or cover up talonic majesty?

          1. stationary_jew January 19, 2009 at 8:08 pm

            Better to cover up the wings, because otherwise you’re going to end up covering the olive branch with W and making people think you’re calling him the “peace President”.

            Better still would be to, in fact, make them smaller, as the representatives of the lull between Reagan, Paragon of the Conservatives, and Obama, Paragon of Whatever-the-heck-the-speaker-wants-him-to-represent.

          2. admin January 19, 2009 at 8:11 pm

            Oh, if I was going to cover the talons, I’d break with the clockwise structure and have W on the arrows talon.

  3. Anonymous January 19, 2009 at 7:47 pm

    Drunky’s friend

    I think that maybe you have a little too much free time on your hands.

    I think you should decopauge Mr. “Hope-Audacity-Change..blech” O’Bama’s
    face (while he’s still wearing it) on a urinal at the Port Authority which,
    if America is lucky, Bill Ayres will blow up like be meant to do back in 1970.

    Last but not least, go F**K yourslef

    -Ticked off in the country

    1. admin January 19, 2009 at 8:00 pm

      Re: Drunky’s friend

      How’s the weather over there in Cortland?

      I suggest you use some of your free time to learn how to use a spell-checker, and last but not least, please die in a fire.

      Thank you, and have a lovely day, troll.

      1. mschilepepper January 19, 2009 at 10:18 pm

        Re: Drunky’s friend

        HA! This is the best part of the whole post. Or something.

        1. admin January 19, 2009 at 10:25 pm

          Re: Drunky’s friend

          I’m pretty sure it’s not a random internet crazy and is, in fact, an ex who has absolutely no life and yet somehow loves to point out all the free time *I* have. Sitting around with no friends must be terrible for him, I’m sure, but following me around on the internet almost four years later has got to be the sign of a truly defective human being.

          1. mschilepepper January 19, 2009 at 10:29 pm

            Re: Drunky’s friend

            Wordy McWord, yo.

            See you later tonight?

          2. admin January 19, 2009 at 10:38 pm

            Re: Drunky’s friend

            Yup! I might not get there much before it starts but barring unforeseen traffic-related circumstances, I will be there.

            On a related note, every time I see the Paramount’s sign, I can’t help thinking ‘DO IT ASS TO ASS’ which might be the sign that *I* am truly a defective human being. But not one who internet-stalks people.

  4. darth_nater January 20, 2009 at 2:35 am

    decoupage! YES WE CAN!!

    1. admin January 20, 2009 at 4:36 am

      I have HOPE in my crafting abilities!

  5. beachin January 20, 2009 at 3:33 am


    I’m Kimberly and I was recommended to you by Charlie (acquariumspast). I asked for my friends to recommend their friends and he recommended you. Feel free to friend me back.

    I think random people’s pictures should also be added, like Pamela Anderson and that Oxy Clean guy, and maybe Howard Stern. I also like the gal who pushes Pine Sol. How about the guy who sells those books on all the free money the government gives away. And Batman. It definitely calls for a superhero. Well, maybe we need a villian, too. How about Ken Lay?

    You can only improve upon this investment.

    1. admin January 20, 2009 at 4:49 am

      Hello Kimberly! I’m Mellzah. I love your ideas for the plate and I’ll take them into consideration–batman is a good choice, and I’m thinking maybe Mr. Clean and Tammy Faye.

      *edit* Also, added. 🙂

    1. admin January 20, 2009 at 4:35 am

      Oh goddamn that is amazing. If only I could bring myself to commit to a color tattoo. 🙁

  6. LostKinSlayer September 28, 2013 at 1:42 pm

    So . what did you pay for this plate?

    1. Mellzah November 17, 2013 at 5:08 pm

      I honestly can’t remember, I think it was $20.

Comments are closed.