Humans don’t have Squeedlyspooches!

v1c1ous has been training to hike up Rainier this year (higher than Anne and I went), and has thusly been taking hiking expeditions on the weekends. On Saturday, he decided to go up a trail on Rattlesnake Ridge, and I invited myself along, because that is what I do.

When Sean arrived, he asked if everyone had eaten breakfast so no one would get dizzy and pass out–because no one wanted to use their beautiful Saturday explaining over and over to the police why their once-vibrant friend was now a corpse impaled on a broken tree trunk about halfway down the mountain. I didn’t LIE and say I had eaten…but I also avoided answering the question. It’s not that I have a deathwish, but rather, since my surgery, it’s always a gamble as to how my body will react to my first meal of the day, and thus I tend to put it off as long as possible. It’s like playing an awful game of roulette, where 30% of the time I’ll win the big prize and get to feel like a normal human being, and the rest of the time varies wildly between cold sweats, nausea, shaking, and praying to the porcelain god. Of course, the longer I put it off, the worse my odds become, but I wanted to have fun with my friends without having to worry about being in the middle of a hike and all of a sudden having a desperate need to hug a toilet.

As usual, I traveled light. Some may call it ‘unprepared’. I call it Traveling With A Mind For Survivalist Adventure And Relying On Group Resources, also known as Flailing Girl Mooching From Others. This time I didn’t even bother to bring a camera, as the proprietary battery in my lighter camera wasn’t charged (DAMN YOU, NIKON!), and my DSLR weighs approximately as much as a small child.

I’m not going to lie to you. I could certainly be in better shape, there is no doubt about that. But at no point beforehand did I have even the slightest niggling thought that “Hey, maybe this will end badly.”

This is typical of the Mellzah experience. I am overconfident, overzealous, and a bad artist. (The below is from a different day of Hiking Fail, because I’m also bad at learning lessons.)

I was gung-ho about this. I was excited to be outside, excited to be with friends, and furthermore had some sort of asinine point to prove about how fatties aren’t bloated gastropods and could exercise out in the sunshine just like anyone else. Thus, I led the charge up the trail. I would like to note that occasionally, I can be wrong. Occasionally, I like to wave a big stick around without the proper ammunition to back it up.

I still maintain that I’m good at walks over distance, and much longer distance than the actual trail; what killed me on Saturday was the elevation. About halfway up, the backs of my legs started burning, and I fell to the back of the group. Shortly after that, I really started lagging. Shortly after that, I was overcome by the feeling that all of my muscles and internal organs were dancing a jitterbug inside my body in order to best express their rebellion against my cause, and their dancing caused me to begin to see spots. It was about this time that I informed the group that they were free to leave me behind to die the undignified death of a fatty who tried to pretend she could exercise, and once they returned from the top, if they could just roll my corpulent mass over the edge to be eaten by the squirrels and cockroaches, that would be swell.

Tristan was kind enough to wait with me whilst I regained control of my limbs, and we hiked the rest of the way to the top together. It was really, really beautiful.


Afterward, we all went back to the Fortress of Nerditude for a bbq, I managed to repel nearly everyone with a fruit salad, and I believe only one actual vegetable was present at the table, which by most counts constitutes a success. Even their raccoon came out from underneath the porch to visit for a while.


After dinner, I needed to scoot out pretty quickly so as to get home and shower before I was supposed to go see Dead Snow with mrsamedi. On the way home, my body let me know that thanks to my First Meal Of The Day, it had different plans, and that I was to spend the rest of my Saturday lying on the couch in a cold sweat with the room spinning around me.

I can’t wait until I can get a robot body. Seriously, guys. This is the last motherfucking zombie nazi movie this sack of meat, organs, and crap is going to make me miss.

31 Comments Humans don’t have Squeedlyspooches!

  1. whobyfire78 May 27, 2009 at 7:10 pm

    Wow, that is absolutely beautiful. I really wish I’d have done more hiking when I was out there.

    1. admin May 27, 2009 at 7:33 pm

      I plan on doing some more hiking (hopefully this group will have me back!) but I don’t intend on tackling big Si anytime soon as it’s much more steep and I’m afraid my legs will revolt.

  2. apestyle May 27, 2009 at 8:08 pm

    Oh well, at least you’re freakishly strong for your stature.

    1. admin May 27, 2009 at 8:25 pm

      hahahaha! The other day at work, I was packing up some parts to ship back to the main warehouse, and I lifted and carried this heavy, dense box across the warehouse to weigh it. I set it on the scale, and it was 111 pounds. Once I knew how much it weighed, I could hardly lift it again.

      I’d really like to get a set of heavy dumbbells to continue my strength training but they’re stupidly expensive. 🙁

      1. mschilepepper May 27, 2009 at 9:14 pm

        Check Play It Again Sports, for used sporting equipment of all sorta. That, and thrift stores!

        Did you have your gall bladder removed or something?

        1. admin May 27, 2009 at 9:18 pm

          Good tips! I’ve been keeping an eye on Craigslist for a smokin’ deal, but it couldn’t hurt to check other places.

          DINGDINGDING that’s the one. My dad had his out as well, and he’s had similar problems but not as severe as mine. My doctor said to keep a food log to see if there were any patterns or triggers, but so far, no dice. I could have dry toast two days in a row, and one day I would be fine, and the next I would be whimpering in my office chair.

          1. mschilepepper May 27, 2009 at 9:25 pm

            What size dumbbells do you want? I’ll keep an eye out.

            A couple of my friends have had their gall bladders out, too, with varying levels of post-op issues. Both had to really watch fat intake for a while, but are OK with it now. One has moved toward near-vegetarianism, because she thinks the hormones in meat are fucking with her.

            How long ago was the surgery? I think I’d wonder if it weren’t some sort of blood sugar issue, frankly, because you’re having such troubles early in the day. But IANAD, YMMV, etc. etc.

          2. admin May 27, 2009 at 10:02 pm

            I’m looking for a range between 10 and 35 pounds (I could go higher but I’m not there just yet). If I had the bills to drop, I’d look at getting the selecttech sets that allow you to select variable weights on one dumbbell which would save a lot of space. But if they’re compact enough, I can store em under the bed anyway.

            I went under the knife in November 2004, long enough that you’d think my body would be used to being sans one useless organ by now. The problem isn’t necessarily a first thing in the morning thing, it’s a ‘when food enters my system’ thing. I really need to make a doctor’s appointment to see if I can’t get follow up on this, on my ladyplumbing, and…for more devious reasons.

          3. mschilepepper May 27, 2009 at 10:05 pm

            If it was that long ago, I’d say it may well be something else. Allergies, thyroid, who knows? Definitely hie thee to a physician!

          4. admin May 27, 2009 at 10:14 pm

            Yeah, I need to get thyroid tested again, too. The doc says I have to go in yearly for that one, because I was on thyroid medication before, and when I tested last year, I tested low but not low enough for meds.

            Maybe she will know when I can get a robot body.

      2. apestyle May 27, 2009 at 9:59 pm

        I think you can usually find some at garage sales and goodwill for superawesomecheap. Prolly CL too.

        1. admin May 27, 2009 at 10:04 pm

          Thanks, I’ll keep an eye out. I really, really hate using the weight room at the gym.

  3. yimmy149 May 27, 2009 at 8:30 pm

    I love Rattlesnake Ledge! And as far as the not-eating-breakfast and getting dizzy – I did exactly that. Had to sit down and wait for the technocolor to pass.

    I’ve found for me, it’s very important to set a pace that I can maintain indefinitely. I get dizzy if I push myself and then rest. So I tend to lag behind, and then stroll right past when everyone else is taking their breaks.

    1. admin May 27, 2009 at 9:21 pm

      I have a hard time pacing myself, but it’s a much better alternative to burning out so quickly.

      How was the KM camping trip?

      1. yimmy149 May 27, 2009 at 9:23 pm

        It went really well, I think we were at capacity, weather was great, wine tour was fun.

        There was a small amount of drama Friday night, but I think Thu, Sat and Sun nights were pretty reasonable. It was crazy windy at night though, it felt like someone was outside shaking your tent all night.

        1. admin May 27, 2009 at 9:49 pm

          Was there a girlfight on Friday? Mud wrestling?

          1. yimmy149 May 27, 2009 at 9:54 pm

            One of Carissa’s ex-boyfriends showed up at like 1am, got totally wasted in 30 minutes, started stumbling around the campground yelling “Carissa where the fuck are you?” (we had about 10 kids there this year), then he tried to drive home, and some people tried to stop him so there was a bunch of yelling.

            I had earplugs in so I missed a good chunk of it luckily.

          2. admin May 27, 2009 at 10:03 pm

            10 kids? But I thought camping was supposed to be slang for getting drunk in the woods? How do you do that and still manage to take care of kids? 🙁

          3. yimmy149 May 27, 2009 at 10:57 pm

            The kids band together into packs and defends themselves with pointed sticks.

          4. admin May 27, 2009 at 11:10 pm

            Lord of the Flies?

  4. autonomic_pilot May 27, 2009 at 10:20 pm

    I certainly can recommend the robot body.

    I plan to keep much of my outer meatflesh so as not to alarm the humans. They are flighty and illogical. They also have a penchant for discrimination and as such I would have to destroy far too many to ensure optimum personal function. This would alert the wrong people to my activities. Not prudent.

    1. admin May 27, 2009 at 10:27 pm

      I can understand your desire for productivity and this is why you will make an ideal second-in-command, and perfect for interfacing with my human vassals. However, my main function is to make the humans tremble before me, and an all-robot veneer is really the more ideal form; it’s also less susceptible to human attack.

  5. nicolemarieh May 28, 2009 at 1:48 am

    This is typical of the Mellzah experience. I am overconfident, overzealous, and a bad artist. (The below is from a different day of Hiking Fail, because I’m also bad at learning lessons.)

    lol lol.

    i just thought you should know that your posts crack me the fuck up, and i think you are pretty much the most awesome person i know.

    1. admin May 30, 2009 at 3:03 am

      <3 I'm so flattered!

  6. weaselmom May 28, 2009 at 6:13 am

    Oh, you poor brave soul! If only I could go back in time and warn you about Rattlesnake Ridge/Rattlesnake Ledge so it wouldn’t have come as such a beastly shock. There’s a geocache up on the Ridge that we’ve never attempted because the terrain rating is 4 out of 5, with 5 being “extremely difficult and/or requires special gear.” Yeah, like a frigging helicopter or a cardio crash cart. You are a mighty, mighty mammal – congratulations on beating the Ridge!

    1. admin May 30, 2009 at 3:05 am

      hahaha Geocachers can be such bastards!

  7. aquariumspast May 28, 2009 at 8:15 am

    OK, what I want to know is: Were there any rattlesnakes?

    Or is it one of those places where somebody 300 years ago jotted down, “Looks not unlike rattlesnake. Curiously, we had some salted viper left over from earlier in our journey, so we partook of that. The view was magnificent, but my sketchbook weighs near as much as a small child.”

    1. admin May 30, 2009 at 3:04 am

      Not a single goddamned rattlesnake. Then again, as the slowest-moving of the group and the one with the ass least desirable to suck poison out of, I’d surely be the one who would’ve been bitten and left to die, so that’s probably a good thing.

      1. aquariumspast June 4, 2009 at 7:02 pm

        So why is it called Rattlesnake? Or are you saying there are supposed to be rattlesnakes but weren’t?

  8. poetrix618 May 28, 2009 at 8:53 pm

    I am so glad you have learned nothing from our mild-by-comparison experience on Rainier. Keep up the good work! I still remember the Hamburger Helper hand I got from multiple mosquito bites last year.

    My worst hiking experience yet is still the heat exhaustion at Snoqualmie Falls that ended in my racing to a park-service toilet and vomiting lemon poppyseed muffin pinwheel-firework style. Heat exhaustion: the numb head is an excellent warning system.

    Hang in there with the medical condition… and let me know how the doctor visit goes.

    1. admin May 30, 2009 at 3:08 am

      …and vomiting lemon poppyseed muffin pinwheel-firework style.

      HAHAHAHAHAHA I’m sure at the time it was traumatizing but right at this moment it’s the height of hilarity.

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