I’ve been dressing up when I go out lately; call it a social experiment. I’m sure the lady who goes from bar to bar selling flowers is thrilled with this experiment; from what I hear she is now looking at some beachfront retirement property due to the recent spike in sales. My advice to her is to hold off: This, like all personal improvement efforts, will come to a halt sometime between now and…oh, a week from now.
But the STORIES. THE STORIES.
Three weeks ago, amazoni brought a friend with her to comedy. This person did not say a word to me all night. Nada. Zip. Zilch. The next day, amazoni sent me a message on myspace which was the equivalent of “OMG MY FRIEND LIKES YOU DO YOU LIKE HIM OMG?” You may recall its junior high ancestor, the feverishly passed note around a clutch of giggling girls, festooned with i’s dotted with hearts. What else was there to do but to use my extra special glitter pen and carefully, in large bubble letters, write back “<3 <3 WOW OMG OMG HE DIDN’T SAY A WORD TO ME I’M IN LUUUUUURVE <3 <3”
If you’re already so intimidated by me that you can’t even muster up a “Hello, I’m ____”, I am the last person you want to get involved with. I will DESTROY YOU. Not because I’m a terrible person, but I am forthright and assertive. STAY AWAY I WILL DESTROY YOU.
Two point five weeks ago, I went out and ended up going back to a friend’s house after last call. By four in the morning, I decided to crash on the couch rather than risk the long drive home. I woke up in the morning to find one of my friend’s roommates sitting on the opposite couch, watching me sleep. I tried to brush it off, and we started chit-chatting; he’s alternately complimenting me on my attire and asking me about my background as he, quote “has known me for, like, a year, and still doesn’t know anything about me.” Not five minutes later, he composes the world’s largest, saddest puppy face and says “Oh you are such a good person it hurts me to know that bad things have been happening to you it hurts me DEEP INSIDE”.
…Aaaaaand look at the time; is it 9am already? I’VE GOTTA GO. You just said you don’t know anything about me! You don’t know if I’m a good person, all you know is that I am wearing a shirt that shows off my awesome boobs. If you want to feel pain deep down in your loins for someone you don’t know, feel it for the starving children of third world nations. I do not want your I AM SO LONELY PLEASE TOUCH ME WITH YOUR AWESOME BOOBS sort of pitiful desperation.
Over the course of the last two weeks, someone has been attempting to woo me in an increasingly uncomfortable way. At first, it seemed all right; vaguely borderline-normal, even. It has quickly become apparent to me that he is a Toucher. A Toucher is one of those people who punctuates everything he says with–you guessed it–touching. Pats on the arm, grabbing at hands, touching my hair as he walks by…A Toucher knows nothing about the Personal Space Bubble. A Toucher is as bad or worse than a Close Stander because they’re not only close enough to penetrate the Personal Space Bubble, causing discomfort and the need to explain that the pockets on your pants are for personal use only, but they are actually laying hands on you. Allow me to clarify: If I am friends with you, the Personal Space Bubble ceases to be an issue. I don’t have a problem with hello/goodbye hugs or anything of that nature so long as we are friends. Uninvited touching freaks me the hell out. At one point, this Toucher decided it would be a good idea to get my attention by poking me in the stomach. This is never a good way to get a positive response from me. It is, however, a great way to make me grit my teeth and ask if you think I’m going to ‘hee hee’ like the Pillsbury Fucking Doughboy. The response “Oh, no, it wasn’t about that, I was just looking for an excuse to touch you” will not endear you to me further.
A week ago, my friends and I were laughing and talking before/during/after comedy. I noticed a guy sitting by himself at the bar staring at me. A little while later, he disappears. My friends and I meander outside, make some more jokes, and make our ways to our separate vehicles. As I was getting into my car, I was startled to look up and see the loner at the bar sitting in his van, waiting for me. I quickly hopped into my car, and he leaned his head out the window and gestured at me. Seeing that he had no candy on his person, I rolled down my window a crack and asked him what he needed. His repsonse. “I like you. You should come home with me.”
How often do you think that line works? I’d venture to guess ‘not very’. Here’s a guy who couldn’t introduce himself, was intimidated by my group of friends, but was bold enough to insinuate he’d like to stick his penis inside of me. How charming! Waiting out in a van in the shadows adds a creep factor of plus ten. “sorry, no!” I called out, and booked it onto the highway as fast as the 3 mentally challenged squirrels who run on wheels to power my car could take me.
This week, I knew I had a winner on my hands when he started using ‘we’ in sentences before he even knew my name. Warning! Warning! Danger, Will Robinson! Take note, ladies: Anyone who starts talking immediately in future tense about the two of you together is attempting to manipulate you. The same thing applies if he keeps saying your name during the course of the conversation. “What I’m trying to say, ______, is…” “Could you believe that he said that, ______?” and so on and so forth. This is done to manipulate your brain into thinking that this person is trustworthy. Sleazy car salesmen do the exact same thing. This winner said he’d like to take me out for dinner the next day at 8, and then tried to come home with me. I turned him down, and even though I’d already pegged him as a sleazebag in my brain, I showed up at 8 regardless. Sometimes I like to pretend that the more cynical thoughts running through my head aren’t always correct. Score one for the cynics– Mr. We We Wiiiiiiiiii didn’t show. Although he had the audacity to send me a text message later, asking how my comedy show went. “Great…now fuck off.”
So what have we learned here? 1. If you don’t have the balls to try, you’re never going to win. 2. Acting like you are still in junior high when you are in your late twenties/early thirties is so unattractive it immediately turns vaginas (vaginae?) into sand dunes. 3. Pretend sympathy while staring at boobs gets you nowhere. 4. Pretend sympathy at all gets you nowhere. 5. You can look but don’t touch unless expressly permitted. 6. Just because you see my friends touching me, do not assume you are my friend and therefore allowed to touch me. I don’t know you. When in doubt, refer to #5. 7. Waiting in the parking lot for someone is fucking creepy. 8. Waiting in the parking lot for someone in a van is even creepier. 9. The phrase “I like you, you should come home with me” is a very, very bad pick-up line. 10. If you ask me on a date, you’d best show up or have a great excuse. I am not a ‘three strikes’ kind of girl.
For all that, I’m not a tough nut to crack. I’m not a mega-bitch. I’m just…very selective.
“What I’m trying to say, ______, is…” “Could you believe that he said that, ______?”
I know exactly what you mean here, and I can’t stand it myself. People who are trained to be marketroids actually believe that us real people fall for this insincerity, but usually it can be spotted from a mile away…
Whoa- I missed this in the OP. For some of us (I’m married and harmless), we are just trying to remember your name.
I was going to mention that sometimes it helps the person remember your name, but I’m talking about repeating your name over and over again, inserting it into every sentence, if possible. I never noticed you doing that. 🙂
I’m new here
Hmmm… so is everyone in this journal some sort of robot?
The Luddite in me quakes in my boots, but at the same time the geek in me yearns to reach out to my silicon cousins:
0001101010110001111010012, friend. 0001101010110001111010012.
Re: I’m new here
Not everyone here is a robot. 🙂 and I have a mutual outside-the-internets friend. As it turns out, people who are likely to be outside-the-internets friends often show up with similar usernames. 😀
Re: I’m new here
Thanks for clearing that up,. So tell me, , have you found Sarah Connor yet?
And one more thing,, would you be so kind as to INSERT GIRDER.
Sorry, I just think you robots are the cutest little things.
Re: I’m new here
I am overwhelmed by the sudden urge to believe and do whatever you say,. Why do you think that is, ?
No,, I have not yet located Sarah Connor yet. She evades me as always, .
I feel highly complimented,!
Re: I’m new here
I’m no robot. Clearly I’m an ape-in-robot’s…clothing?
Re: I’m new here
Strike that–a STYLISH ape in robot’s clothing.
Re: I’m new here
w3rd.
Re: I’m new here
I disagree; none of my outside-the-internets friends have usernames referring to immobility or ethnicity.
( is not an outside-the-internets friend.)
Re: I’m new here
Yours are less interests than birth circumstances and lifestyle choices. 😛
“What I’m trying to say, ______, is…” “Could you believe that he said that, ______?”
This reminded me of when I had this sleazy manager for a short period. While processing people’s sales, he used to make a note of their name off their credit card while he was waiting for it to go through, and then when he was giving it back to them, he’d say, “Thank you very much, Mr. _____.” I always thought it was so creepy and fake.
They do that at one of the grocery stores I shop at. I learned the hard way not to buy a home pregnancy test kit from a place that calls you by name at the end of the transaction.
“Thank, Miss _____ (WHORE!!!!) and have a nice day! (WHORE!!)”
3. Pretend sympathy while staring at boobs gets you nowhere.
“I’m so boob, to hear about your tits. Aw shit, what tit I just say?”
4. Pretend sympathy at all gets you nowhere.
With the extremely drunk, I think it has better odds.
7. Waiting in the parking lot for someone is fucking creepy.
I wonder if this works for batman?
8. Waiting in the parking lot for someone in a van is even creepier.
Requires the promise of candy or a puppy to really shine.
9. The phrase “I like you, you should come home with me” is a very, very bad pick-up line.
For some guys, this is how they express “confidence.” For others, it is how they express Asperger’s (pronounced: “Ass burgers”). Suggested alternate pickup line: “Hey, wanna see my balls?”
😀
Candy, a puppy, or a shiny new bike. My parents were lucky that no one tried that on me when I was a little kid. I would’ve been GONE.
I think you just became my new personal hero. <3
SWEET. Will you sing ‘wind beneath my wings’ to me sometime in karaoke form?
With much lament and chest-pounding. Wait, that’s Celine… … but I can see Celine loving that song.
If you could sing it like a duet between Bette Midler and The Canadian Scourge That Is Celine Dion, that’d be super-fantastic!
I wouldn’t call you picky or selective, just sane. We need to turn off that freak magnet, pronto, these guys all sound like total nightmares!
If I felt like it was something that could be done, I would’ve totally done it already. I think it’s embedded in one of my vital organs, though. I’ve already eliminated the gallbladder as a possibility!
you missed out:
11. a man can never have too many tattoos.
right?
RIGHT?
I suppose that would entirely depend on the tattoos. What if he has tweety bird tattooed on his rear end? I don’t think that’d be too sexy…
Oh, hell.
11. A man can never have too many tattoos.
much better. thanks.
in any case, you KNOW it’d make for good standup material if your current squeezed had a looney tunes character tattooed on their ass.
even if you also know it meant they were bound to come out of the closet approximately 6 months in to the relationship when “bugs bunny” suddenly decided he needed some “extra carrot”……
I hope to never date someone with a looney tunes character tattooed on them ANYWHERE. Also, I will never again date a man who admits he has a ‘man-crush’ on anyone. Note the words ‘never again’. Yes, it’s happened.
o_0
…………..
no way.
YA RLY.
and in what world, pray tell, did said man believe that professing latent homosexual tendencies might get him into your pants?
i am, it has to be said, speechless……
Re: I’m new here
Some girls find faux-homosexuality to be a turn-on.
HEY I DINT MAKE THIS UP.
Re: I’m new here
git ter fuck. i dinnae believe ye.
Re: I’m new here
That’s an awfully strange accent for an Englishman… :suspicious:
Re: I’m new here
[monocle]
i say, how dare you! i’m as english as afternoon tea and queensbury rules…..
i am certainly not scottish, as i am never drunk enough.
i am not welsh, as i am not a faux nationalistic prick.
i am not irish, as i don’t live in ireland.
[/monocle]
I HATE TOUCHERS SOOOOOOOO MUCH.
like, wtf makes them think they can touch you, especially if they barely know you? and if you’re too stand-offish, people think you’re bitchy, rude, or just unfriendly.
i’ve never taken the time to think about what my pet peeves are, but that must be one of them. i’m also ok with hugging goodbye and hello; even a kiss on the cheek (depends on who it is, though. i’m hispanic, and that’s quite the custom in the spic community. living in miami, a lot of my friends are spics too, so we do the kiss-on-the-cheek thing on occasion).
i do have limits on the hugging thing too, though. some guys hug you like a boyfriend hugs you. like, you’d swear they just wanna feel your boobs against their chest. that shit pisses me off.
k, i think i’m done ranting. =P
I am glad I am not alone in this one! Some people seem very comfortable with constant touching, and I am just not one of those people. I’m not saying that if, say, Johnny Depp showed up at my apartment door one day, I wouldn’t have trouble keeping my hands to myself…
…….I think I love you.
(oh crap, I’m a bad example to say that, since I didn’t introduce myself at Dragon*Con since you were surrounded by friends. O HYPOCRITE ME ONOZ.)
The first-name thing creeps me the fuck out too. I bought a mattress a few years back from the Original Mattress Factory and the guy who sold it to me kept using my name every three words. I eventually had to tell him to knock it the hell off because it was really disturbing me. The rest of the transaction passed in blessed near-total silence.
Unfortunately my workplace requires us to use the caller’s name at least twice during the call. I usually take care of that in the first three seconds. “Who’m I speaking with? Lisa? Hi, Lisa, what can I do for you today?” And then on to actually fixing the problem instead of pretending I care about their name.
cheers,
Phil
awwww! <3
OMG HYPOCRITE OMG OMG! You were trying not to be rude; that’s entirely different from not ever making contact with me…no words, no call, no nothing, and then having a friend pass a note for you. 😉
I don’t understand why workplaces have such asinine rules sometimes. I understand they’re trying to set a standard for conduct, but requiring you say the caller’s name twice during the call seems unnecessary. I suppose they’re trying to make tech support a little more personable, hmm?
i remember trying to get out to one of your comedy nights a while back but never made it (SORRY!)
are you still doing them? when and where?
Wednesday nights, 9:30pm @ Pegasus Pizza & Pasta (12669 Ne 85Th St
Kirkland)
Sunday nights, 8:30pm @ The Comedy Underground (222 South Main street Seattle)
Even though the drive is longer, it’s worth coming to Pegasus on Wednesday instead of the Comedy Underground. The Underground gives each performer 3 minutes, which is not exactly worth inviting people out to see. Hell, I have a hard time motivating MYSELF to go out for 3 minutes of time.
Think you might come out tonight? If you ever want to check and see, I list upcoming shows on my myspace page. http://www.myspace.com/mellzah
my friend is doing a craigslist social experiment this month. she posts two personal ads, one in the m4w and one in the w4w. she answers every single person who emails and goes on a date with every one who asks her out. (she doesn’t note in the ad that she is doing this… it otherwise is just a normal ad.)
so you’d think that most people who reply to a craigslist ad are doing so because they want to go on a date and potentially get some action. yet of the 50 people who replied to her ad, only 4 dates are pending. and some of those are people she proactively asked out herself because she thought they were hot enough to be worth it. almost none of the people who contact her actually ask her out on a date. but she is attractive, intelligent, witty, ‘hwp’, etc. etc. she also makes it a point to include a long list of her interests both in the ad and in her responses to give the people concrete ideas for things they could ask her to do.
i generally prefer being the chaser to the chasee, so that kind of thing doesn’t bother me much. but it is kinda funny how people in seattle are such wusses that they won’t even ask out a person who posted a personal ad requesting dates.
I can’t tell you how many guys contacted me on OkCupid and then never asked me out. If I wanted to chitchat on the internet forever and never meet, I might as well be playing World of Warcraft with some dude named Balthazar.
I’m better at being the chaser, but it doesn’t seem to work for me with the people I’m interested in…they generally end up intimidated by me.
I can’t tell you how many guys contacted me on OkCupid and then never asked me out. If I wanted to chitchat on the internet forever and never meet, I might as well be playing World of Warcraft with some dude named Balthazar.
I’m better at being the chaser, but it doesn’t seem to work for me with the people I’m interested in…they generally end up intimidated by me.
my friend is doing a craigslist social experiment this month. she posts two personal ads, one in the m4w and one in the w4w. she answers every single person who emails and goes on a date with every one who asks her out. (she doesn’t note in the ad that she is doing this… it otherwise is just a normal ad.)
so you’d think that most people who reply to a craigslist ad are doing so because they want to go on a date and potentially get some action. yet of the 50 people who replied to her ad, only 4 dates are pending. and some of those are people she proactively asked out herself because she thought they were hot enough to be worth it. almost none of the people who contact her actually ask her out on a date. but she is attractive, intelligent, witty, ‘hwp’, etc. etc. she also makes it a point to include a long list of her interests both in the ad and in her responses to give the people concrete ideas for things they could ask her to do.
i generally prefer being the chaser to the chasee, so that kind of thing doesn’t bother me much. but it is kinda funny how people in seattle are such wusses that they won’t even ask out a person who posted a personal ad requesting dates.