This changes EVERYTHING!!!

Amy brought home some tapes her mom had recorded, and mentioned to me that there were a couple of things on one of them that she thought I’d be particularly interested in.

The first, from the History channel, was about the history of toys and games. YES.

The second, also from the History channel, was about the history of robots. OH FUCK YES.

I settled in to watch these television masterpieces, when I saw something that particularly excited me: the robot show featured commentary by a robot historian. A WHAT? I didn’t even know that sort of job EXISTED. Obviously, somewhere along the line, my guidance counselor really fucked up, and luckily, I think I can explain exactly where everything went awry.

In high school, the guidance counselors made a big deal about going from classroom to classroom, administering a test that would clarify, without a doubt, what our future career paths should be. A few weeks later, we received the results, and I tore mine open, excited to see what my future held.

This test, this infallible test, proclaimed that I should be: a mime, a puppeteer, or a horse breeder. A what, a what, and a WHAT? Perhaps the test detected some self-loathing and wanted to maximize its potential. Even combining all of those things wouldn’t make for one GOOD job. Dressing up in stripes and pretending to jack off an imaginary horse doesn’t sound like fun to m–ok, it sounds like fun for approximately 10 seconds. You were wrong, test! Where the fuck was ROBOT HISTORIAN on my list?

While I was furiously pondering these things, Amy mentioned, “It’s really too bad that robot historian isn’t cute, because you guys would totally hit it off.”

I’m inexplicably attracted to him, anyway. Robot Historian, if you ever read this, come do me. Might I kill you and take your job afterwards? Well…isn’t that the risk everyone takes?

18 Comments This changes EVERYTHING!!!

  1. mastergode December 30, 2006 at 5:24 am

    Best. Post. Of. The. Year.

    1. admin January 2, 2007 at 4:11 pm

      Why thank you! That means more than a movie advertisement saying the same thing in February–there were only a couple of days where someone else could attempt to top the sheer poetry of horse masturbation. 😀

  2. damienwolfe December 30, 2006 at 2:09 pm

    I never took a career test…and that makes me sad.

    1. admin January 2, 2007 at 4:37 pm

      I will use my latent psychic abilities and predict what you would have gotten on that test.

      (channels spirits)


      (skeery noises)

      According to the very vocal spirits of the netherworld, you should be:
      1. A Janitor
      2. A Tiger Feeder at the Zoo
      3. A Door-to-Door Scientologist

      The netherworld spirits don’t lie.
      That’ll be $50, please.

      1. damienwolfe January 3, 2007 at 1:19 am

        The netherworld spirits should have told you that I didn’t actually ask for a prediction and thus there’s no charge. Booya!

        1. admin January 3, 2007 at 6:17 pm

          The netherworld spirits maintain that you don’t know yourself well enough to know what you REALLY want, but are willing to settle for a backrub.

          1. damienwolfe January 3, 2007 at 11:52 pm

            So about this backrub, I have a few questions in order to clarify. First of all, is it the spirits or me that are willing to settle for the backrub? If it’s not me, then is the backrub for the spirits, you, or just anyone? Further more, do I have to be the one to give the backrub or can I get someone else do it?

            See, there’s a lot of variables here.

  3. bellachiara6 December 30, 2006 at 7:54 am

    Fuck that test. Racine Unified had the same one. Although I scored incredibly high in Artistic and Social they had me pegged with a dream career in Human Waste Disposal Management.

    Do you understand that?


    That means all your business that you flush away to never see again, I was supposed to use all my ARTISTIC and SOCIAL skills to take care of, down at the SEWAGE TREATMENT PLANT.

    1. admin January 2, 2007 at 4:32 pm

      HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA That’s just another way of suggesting to you that artistic capabilities get you (jack) shit in life.

      1. bellachiara6 January 2, 2007 at 4:34 pm

        One friend got “Clown” and another had “Street Vendor” so we thought we could get together and have a parade because I could use my cleaning skills to pick up after everybody.


        1. admin January 2, 2007 at 4:39 pm

          Sometimes I wonder if these tests are designed to encourage people to pick shitty jobs that no one would consider otherwise.

          1. bellachiara6 January 2, 2007 at 4:43 pm

            Well of course they are. Or to inspire people to join the military, like your Brit friend down there.

            It’s a conspiracy, man!

            *eyes you suspiciously… you are totally in on it…*

  4. yimmy149 December 30, 2006 at 6:49 pm

    I remember taking the ASVAB (Armed Services Vocational Aptitude Battery) a couple times in high school (it was optional). I remember that I did really well, I think score I got was essentially “too smart to be in the military.” 🙂

    1. admin January 2, 2007 at 4:40 pm

      All they were looking for, there, is the ability to blindly follow orders. Smart people ask too many questions. 🙂

  5. wakare December 31, 2006 at 12:20 am

    “It’s important to have a job that makes a difference, boys. That’s why I manually masturbate caged animals for artificial insemination.”

    1. admin January 2, 2007 at 4:40 pm

      Oh, Clerks, will you ever fail in having an appropriate quote for the situation?

  6. fete_pindon January 1, 2007 at 2:21 pm

    i remember the careers guidance we had at school.

    we had a presentation from the army, royal navy and royal air force then were asked which one we would like to join.

    high hopes were held for us all in the north west of englands premier chemical industry town…..

    1. admin January 2, 2007 at 4:41 pm

      So which did you choose? 😀

      I hope it was the Navy. Then you could sing ‘In the Navy’ ALL DAY LONG.

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