This morning on my walk to work, I looked up and noticed a tiny asian man waving at me from a car near the carpet store. “What the hell?” I thought, and waved back.
I thought “WHAT THE HELL” with a different inflection when half a mile later, the same car was blocking my pathway, and the same tiny asian man was indicating that he wanted me to take out my headphones. He told me that he’d ‘noticed’ me, begged for my phone number, asked if he could pleaaaaaaaaaaase take me out to lunch sometime.
Thanks, guy. I would be flattered if you didn’t scare the hell out of me.
The rest of my way to work, I made certain to take pathways on which I could not be followed by car, walking down train tracks and on a bike path through woods. That’s an interesting start to the week.
I spend way more time worrying about this type of stuff than I ought to.
I would LOVE to compliment women all day long. Stuff like “That tattoo looks AWESOME”, “That dress looks like it was MADE for you”, “Your hair is INCREDIBLE”, and so on and so forth. In my mind these comments are just me trying to be nice! Who wouldn’t want to know that they look really nice today, or that the outfit they’re wearing fits them really well?
But I’m a fat, balding, sweaty, hairy guy in a tight-fitting Superman T-Shirt and hair that looks like I haven’t washed it in WEEKS when I actually just washed it this morning. When I approach a woman AT ALL, they clutch their purse and/or reach for their can of Mace.
So back to Mr. Creepy McAsian… he likes how you look, he’s seen a *bit* of how you act in public, he wants to get to know you better… how SHOULD he have approached you in order to avoid creeping you out?
Please do not read this wrong; a random guy coming up to you and striking up a conversation anywhere other than a Bar is indeed Creepy and scary and you ladies are right to be frightened by it.
What I’m looking for is a solution. How would a person compliment you or ask to get to know you without already knowing you and/or sparking the “Fight Or Flight” in you? And by you, I mean either the individual or the collective.
Thoughts?
It would have been one thing if he had decided to talk to me the first time he saw me. Following me is what turned it from flattering to terrifying.
Hmmmmm… so I should just go with it from now on? I see a woman in a dress that looks great on her in the parking lot of KFC, I just blurt out “That dress looks great on you!” and wait for her to reply? Isn’t that just as damaging? It feels like it would be damaging and put the woman on The Defense.
We also have to account for The Thought Process. For me, most of the time when I’ve finally thought of what i actually want to say (“That dress looks great” instead of “Your boobs are wonderful and your butt isn’t too huge”), too much time has elapsed and it would go back to being all stalkery.
In the example of Creepy Asian Dude, maybe he saw you and was smitten. He said to himself “OMG that is the cutest girl I’ve ever seen! I really want to go out with her!” And then he had a bit of an inner struggle over if he should ask you out or not. Once he arrived at the conclusin that he would really hate himself if he didn’t ask you, he had to decide on HOW to ask you. Just come right out and say it? Maybe follow you for a bit and see if you go in to a restaurant, maybe strike-up a conversation there so it’s a bit more natural? Yeah, that’s the way to go… oh crap, she’s not going in to any shops and I’m almost late for work. It’s now or never! I MUST SAY SOMETHING THIS MIGHT BE MY ONLY CHANCE!!!
And then the best he can hope for is that he hasn’t creeped you out so much that the moment is gone 🙁
I don’t know if I should butt in here, but I have opinions! I hope you do not mind. Is your intent to compliment a person who is looking good who happens to be female because you think she would like to be told that she has a great dress on or whatever, or is your intent to try to ask her out? Because I do think that makes a difference!
People tend to respond positively to sincerity and if you are really just complimenting someone because you think they would like to hear it, then I say go for it. You might end up encountering the odd person out who still reacts negatively but maybe they just had a creepy experience like above and are having a hard time giving the benefit of the doubt, so I wouldn’t take it personally. Or maybe they are just lost in thought and startled to be taken out of their own thoughts, or having a bad day, or what have you*. But the majority of the time, most people like compliments. (*That’s kind of important – there is no one thing that is generalizable for all women because we are all different, and even the same woman can react differently to the same thing on different days based on what’s going on.) (And of course context matters – if you and a woman are alone on a dark street I wouldn’t say anything no matter how fabulous the dress looked, because she’s probably already on alert – and I do literally mean that I myself wouldn’t even say anything. Anytime it’s light out or in a place with more people is going to be a better context.)
But the flip side of humans being sincerity-detectors is that often humans are also good at being ulterior-motive-detectors, and when it comes to these things most women I know have honed theirs to a fine instrument. So if your actual goal is NOT just to compliment the woman, but to try to make a move on her, you will probably encounter a much wider range of reactions. There are all kinds of things I do throughout my day during which I am comfortable receiving (and giving) compliments, but during which I would not want to be hit on. Does that distinction help at all?
The nice thing is, though, a sincerely motivated compliment could easily lead to an actual conversation! And then things could go from there.
IME more women react negatively to compliments than not.
I’m a compliment giver, and love getting them, too. I’m lucky in that, being a woman, I don’t often get the “creeped out” vibe when I offer compliments.
I agree with the sentiment above about the sincerity versus the ulterior motives thing.
That’s good that you like compliments, as I often follow up compliments with motorboating.
I like them when they don’t come packaged with an expectation of anything more in return than a thank you.
One strategy for guys to be non-threatening, one that works well I think, is to not wait for a reply. Give compliment in a brief manner, give a nice cheerful smile, then turn back to your own business. I can appreciate someone being friendly, but I don’t like to feel like I’m being put on the spot for a response.
Indeed. A sincere compliment doesn’t demand a reply back. When I’m trying to become a notch uncreepier and feel a compliment is in order that isn’t trying to be more than that, I’ll say it and move on, leaving it just as that. If she wants to react to the compliment, I don’t walk that quickly or hear that badly, so I can be receptive to feedback which, of course… never happens. But then again, that’s ok, right? To expect feedback or an ego stroke for a compliment starts to muddle the agenda.
I think that any girl who is hanging out inn the parking lot of a KFC would probably appreciate any compliment you’d want to give her.
A++, would LOL again.
So back to Mr. Creepy McAsian… he likes how you look, he’s seen a *bit* of how you act in public, he wants to get to know you better… how SHOULD he have approached you in order to avoid creeping you out?
As a general rule, I would start by NOT making one’s initial approach while one is in a car. Based on previous experiences, somebody who pulls up to me and says ANYTHING that isn’t a request for directions is a potential threat. Following me upgrades that potential threat to actual.
I’d add that talking to people in places where social mixing with strangers is the norm makes a big difference to me, personally. If I’m walking down the street, I’m on my way somewhere and have things on my mind other than meeting new people.
EXACTLY. I would have been more receptive in this situation if he had gotten out of his car to meet me. But following me in a car? Yeah, I am expecting to be thrown in a trunk and murdered.
Both good points! The power differential of car-not car can’t be overstated. Ack.
And yeah – if I’m late to work, it doesn’t matter how awesome a compliment is or if it is given by, I don’t know, Johnny Depp. I’m still late for work and not about to stop.
I just replied to Mellzah’s post (which is somewhere below this one if you are interested) with a similar story that happened to me last night, and then I saw your post and am now compelled to reply. You have my sympathies for the tl;dr in advance.
Here’s a sad truth about society today: People don’t know how to deal with compliments, ESPECIALLY if they are coming from strangers. I walk everywhere, and as I do, in an effort to make sure I talk to a real human at least once in a while (I’m not a big people person), I try to find 1 thing on 3 different people I like as I’m out and tell them. Often the compliment is made with a tap on the shoulder and no break in pace if they are going my way or just spoken if they are going the opposite “Nice shoes…great tie…love the hair colour, whatever.” Keep in mind, 1. I’m female which means I don’t set of “threatening” alarms to most anyone by nature and 2. I’m 5’5″ which means anyone who might have been threatened before really isn’t now. Even with that, about 75% people, men and women, look at me suspiciously, “What does she want, is she trying to ask for money, what’s the scam?” before processing what I said, realizing that I haven’t stopped, obviously don’t want anything from them, and had just said something nice.
In short, we are at a point were almost all contact with a stranger outside of a bar is viewed as suspect. Don’t take it personally.
If you want to give a compliment like the ones you mentioned (which seem to be about just passing on the compliment and not trying to pick anyone up), you absolutely should. Basic approach techniques (these are ones I use as well): try not to come in from a blind side, if they aren’t wearing headphones, try to get their attention orally first, and if they are, try to get in their line of sight to signal you want to say something. Put a hand on their shoulder at a LAST resort, do it with just a finger tap and stand as far back as you can. And then immediately apologize for startling them. Then, make your compliment, smile and nod (that gives a moment for them to reply should they want to), and then move on.
If you are in a vehicle, pulling over to give a compliment is gonna make a chick a little wary, but if you give it, and then pull away, things should be fine. The minute a guy 1. goes around the block, 2. blocks the path, or god help you, 3. gets out, every single woman I’ve ever met is now reaching for their Mace or pushing 9-1 on their cell phone.
If you see the woman of your dreams and you don’t react in time and you really want to give her your phone number/email/whatever, I would advise the following: Have a business card with your info on it in your wallet. If you have to drive to catch up with her, do NOT block her path..that’s a major “This is bad” trigger. Pull over, start with “I’m so sorry to bother you, I just wanted to give you this” as you extend the card out the window and follow with “You look amazing, I had to tell you, if you would like to call me sometime, I would love that.” (she’ll either take it or not…if not, say “No problems have a great day” or the like”) and then DRIVE AWAY. Pulling over and getting out of the car where she can see that you’ve just followed her and gotten out of the car is rarely gonna go well, if ever.
If you have to follow on foot, try not to run up on her blind side, keep an arm’s length of distance between you when you engage her, make it quick, offer the card and then immediately move off. The fact that you are giving her personal space and immediately exiting the area after leaving her a way to contact you will help ease some of the “he’s about to grab me and kill me” fears she’ll be having. It’s the guys who try to walk with us, or drive slow next to us, or approach and then won’t leave who are torpedoing any chance they ever might have had.
Does any of that make sense?
~Aramada
Makes plenty of sense here. The methods you describe for broadcasting harmlessness are about as strong as anyone can deliver and hope the message is clear that there’s no predatory behavior, but genuine interest. Everyone will have a different reaction to that, but sometimes, you get someone who understands it and is receptive to it, and then you’ve hit gold. A warm spot in the cold. Time to play Lotto if you’re gettin’ that lucky.
I agree with people today that simply are suspicious of conversation – with the exception of the “what time is it, does bus X run here, or where’s the bar named xxx?” I expect that today’s mentally ill street denzien are simply introducing themselves with a pretext to then segue to their actual reason for contacting you, which often is “I need a smoke, I need money, or Jesus loves you, sinner!” at which point, I’ve had enough. (also, Jesus doesn’t love me, he’s just trying to get me into bed…) And it spreads to the ‘burbs, too, short of that simple, non-needy question that only seeks information, I’m ready to fend off 99% of humanity for what they want from me, next.
::high five:: I was JUST ranting about this to a friend not 12 hours ago.
I’m walking home last night around midnight. White van comes up behind me, slows, passenger says something that I am going to assume was supposed to be complimentary (hard to tell what a person is saying at 40 miles an hour). They then pull over about 1/4 a block in front of me. I keep walking, as I pass, the passenger leaning out the window tells me I look nice then says, “Come here!”
Um…no. Major strike 1, sir. I make eye contact, give a small smile and shake my head firmly and keep walking without slowing down. They pull away.
Finish the block, turn right go a block, turn left, go about a half a block, and here comes the white van behind me again. Major strike 2, following me after I’ve unambiguously indicated I’m not interested? Not good.
White van pulls up to the end of the block (about 1/2 block in front of me), pulls over again. THIS time, passenger gets out, crosses the street and starts walking toward me. Major strike 3, sir. Now I’m pondering how to put you in the hospital in such a fashion that requires the least amount of time and blood spatter on my lovely dress. He tells me again how pretty I am, asks my name…I don’t break stride, tell him I don’t give that out and keep going. Thankfully, he didn’t reach out or follow from there (I’ve had guys try both, it isn’t a good thing), but when I got home a block later, my immediate response was to grab a male friend on IM, describe the situation with a huge WHAT THE FUCK ARE GUYS THINKING?!?!
Seriously, you pull over to hit on a woman, especially one walking alone, and ESPECIALLY at night, and she unambiguously waves you off, WHAT IN GOD’S NAME makes you think “Well, let’s circle the block and follow her, that will make her change her mind!” And then, to take it up a notch, “Let’s pull our vehicle over, get out (bonus points if the vehicle is directly blocking the path of the woman) and approach! THAT won’t seem creepy/stalkerish/serial killer in the SLIGHTEST.” ::facepalm::
I wish I could say I’ve found some sort of common thread in the behaviour, but I haven’t. I’ve experienced it here, in the South, in California….the guys in question have been of all races, all ages. I don’t know what part of their brain is missing, but whatever it is, they need it genetically put back in. ‘Cause seriously, WHO DOES THIS WORK ON?
/end rant
~Aramada
I would be flattered because I so often seem to end up in relationships with guys who don’t actually seem to like me all that much…but no. Follow me in a car and insist on getting something from me and you have just put me on red alert.
::grins:: I was absolutely flattered….but it was flattered with “Are you gonna make me have to kill you?” and that’s just not a good combo.
~Aramada
Goddamnit, I forgot Uncle Zhang’s meds again. Sorry!!!
I’ve been hit on all manner of weird ways recently. I thought it was maybe the color I’ve been wearing lately (electric blue, eye-catching it is) but then I was in the market not wearing blue and some guy started telling me all about how to make a good salad.
Did you take his salad-making tips?
Not at all. His recipe involved too many ingredients.
Damn girl, what
it take to get in your pants?
…I should probably stop posting the first things that come into my head.
Superpowers, apparently.
I had an asian guy offer me $20 for a blow job once.
I married him.
Just kidding.
or am I?
Are you!? THE SUSPENSE IS KILLING ME.
At least he didn’t pull up, roll down the window, and make CH CH CH CH CH noises while making grabby hands D:
hahah THIS time.