Category Reviews

This changes EVERYTHING!!!

18 Comments read Reviews, TV

Amy brought home some tapes her mom had recorded, and mentioned to me that there were a couple of things on one of them that she thought I’d be particularly interested in.

The first, from the History channel, was about the history of toys and games. YES.

The second, also from the History channel, was about the history of robots. OH FUCK YES.

I settled in to watch these television masterpieces, when I saw something that particularly excited me: the robot show featured commentary by a robot historian. A WHAT? I didn’t even know that sort of job EXISTED. Obviously, somewhere along the line, my guidance counselor really fucked up, and luckily, I think I can explain exactly where everything went awry.

In high school, the guidance counselors made a big deal about going from classroom to classroom, administering a test that would clarify, without a doubt, what our future career paths should be. A few weeks later, we received the results, and I tore mine open, excited to see what my future held.

This test, this infallible test, proclaimed that I should be: a mime, a puppeteer, or a horse breeder. A what, a what, and a WHAT? Perhaps the test detected some self-loathing and wanted to maximize its potential. Even combining all of those things wouldn’t make for one GOOD job. Dressing up in stripes and pretending to jack off an imaginary horse doesn’t sound like fun to m–ok, it sounds like fun for approximately 10 seconds. You were wrong, test! Where the fuck was ROBOT HISTORIAN on my list?

While I was furiously pondering these things, Amy mentioned, “It’s really too bad that robot historian isn’t cute, because you guys would totally hit it off.”

I’m inexplicably attracted to him, anyway. Robot Historian, if you ever read this, come do me. Might I kill you and take your job afterwards? Well…isn’t that the risk everyone takes?

i, Dirty Robot

27 Comments read Games, Reviews

With the veritable apocalypse of weather we were having the other day (snow plus thunder and lighting…it was like a Lewis Black bit outside!), I felt I would be remiss if I did play Sneak King at least once (available at your finer Burger Kings nationwide) which may be one of the funniest-in-an-awful-way games of all time. The premise? You are playing as the King (who is already vaguely creepy to begin with) and you sneak around surprising people with Burger King food. There are various places the King can hide his royal behind in and subsequently leap out, presenting coffee, sandwiches, and sides with various flourishes. However, whenever the King hides in a location where you as the player can still see him (inside a box, inside a garbage can, under a truck), it seems that a more accurate title for the game would be ‘Serial Rapist King’ or ‘Molest King’ or ‘Pervert Neighbor King’. While you are playing the game, it seems thoroughly plausible that the King will leap out, and instead of presenting hot food to a hungry NPC, he will, in the terminology of one Trudy Weigel, “toss aside his whipped ices and rape the shit out of them”. ‘Fuck King’?

I Fail At Being A Girl

11 Comments read Makeup, Reviews

I’ve been making a little more effort with things like hair and makeup lately–and when I say effort, I actually mean effort. It’s something I have to work at, because really, while I like feeling like I look nice, I mostly don’t give enough of a crap to try. An extra 15 minutes of sleep in the morning or blowdried hair? Sleep generally wins. Another extra 15 minutes or makeup? SLEEP.

Well, I’ve learned two important makeup lessons over the past two days that I’d like to share with you.

FIRST. If you are using, say, a lip balm mostly composed of cocoa butters and the like, it’s not a good idea to keep it in your pocket, as when you go to open it up, it will have melted and warm, oily, smelly butters will explode out all over one’s desk, pants, and office chair, making it look as if one had a horrible, unspeakable accident.

SECOND. Nothing makes you look more awake with a minimal amount of effort in the morning than a little blush. I prefer a liquid blush because it goes on very sheer. However, an important thing to remember is to make sure it is closed before you go to pick it up, as it will spill all over everything, staining one’s desk, pants, and office carpet a horrifying shade of red.

CAN MY WARDROBE AND OFFICE REALLY STAND ANY MORE EXPERIMENTATION WITH MAKEUP? REALLY?

Makeup? $30. Time spent applying it? Negotiable. Destroying several pieces of furniture and an outfit in only a few seconds? Priceless.