It’s not a project unless toxic chemicals are involved.

March 1, 2011 23 Comments read furniture, Projects

I just spent an hour at home depot talking with an employee about refinishing the desk I bought a long time ago with intentions of refinishing. Eventually in the new place I’d like to use it as a makeup vanity instead of a computer desk because it could amply store my buttloads of makeup and be less awkward to use than the dresser I’ve been using. Since I’ve got a ton of free time now, what better time to do some of the projects I’d been putting off, right?

I brought in one of the drawers so he could determine what wood it was made from, and brought photos of the damaged areas to best determine how to go about fixing them–apparently I got the score of the century when I bought it as I got it dirt cheap and it’s oak which is a spendier hardwood. The employee mentioned liking the hardware on the desk and I scoffed, saying I wanted to replace it, but apparently I can sell the hardware for something like thirty bucks a pop on craigslist because you can’t get hardware like it anymore. If that’s true, I’ll be glad to sell it instead of just chucking it like I’d intended. I don’t think what’s on there now will go with the ebony finish I’m applying, and I’m thinking I’d like something a little more modern on there regardless. Or awesome. Like bird skulls.

So over the next couple of days, I’m going to be sanding and staining–and, apparently, if I don’t use proper ventilation, according to the home depot employee, I’ll also be “talking to Elvis”. It’s nice to have projects to work on! And maybe I’ll get some sandwich-making tips from the King.

As it turns out, despair alone doesn’t kill you

January 28, 2011 40 Comments read furniture, Projects

Many thanks to everyone who has reached out to me this week, via text, email, phone call, etc. Everyone’s kindness and support has made a difficult week a little easier, and even though I still feel nauseated and scared and my brain keeps whirring about unfairness and things I could have said and didn’t, it’s not as bad as it could have been, and I thank you all for that. Jason has been a rock for me this week, getting me to eat*, getting me out of bed/out of the house, encouraging me to exercise to keep my spirits up, and being supportive and understanding when simple things frustrate and upset me and push me close to the edge of a screaming, crying, way-overreacting “I’m gonna be homeless” tantrum.

I’ve been trying to keep myself busy. Friends have tipped me off to some jobs and I’ve sent out a few resumes, I’ve boxed up and sent out most of my physical movie media for trade-in at Amazon (something I’d been meaning to do for a while and additionally lessens the load when I decide to/have to move), traded in a big bag of books at half-price books so my bookshelf will stop leaning meanacingly, and have been doing other organization/cleaning tasks around the apartment.

On Tuesday, I took some beautiful thick brocade fabric I’d been saving for over a decade that I bought when I was in Taiwan and reupholstered one of the piano benches I’d bought for a penny from Guitar Center. I’d originally intended to make a top out of it, but a decade had come and gone and the top went unmade and had it been made, it probably would have gone unworn, so it was time to put it to use. I’m also working at getting better about how long I save things for undefined “project” use–if I find myself saving something using the same excuse used by someone on Hoarders, I set a timetable to actually use it, and if doesn’t get done, that stuff gets donated or binned, because I don’t have unlimited storage space for a lifetime of “someday”s and this has motivated me to start and FINISH doing things that otherwise could have been put off indefinitely.

Before:

After:

I only wish I had enough fabric to reupholster both benches, but I’m sure I’ll find some that I like just as much for the other bench at some point.

*Also his presence keeps me from binging on everything in sight. Hello, eating disorder, I did not miss you.

Evil will always prevail, because good is dumb.

November 29, 2010 66 Comments read Projects, So Terrible It's Amazing

Attention citizens: there is now a group of masked superheroes fighting crime in Seattle.

If ‘masked’ includes ski masks and ‘fighting crime’ includes taking golf clubs away from raving homeless men and then not being able to file a complaint because they don’t want to reveal their secret identities counts as acts of heroism, that is. They have their girlfriend drive their godmother’s Kia Fate around, looking for evildoers. One can only imagine that they meet back for cheetos, cocoa, and some wicked-tough rounds of Mario Kart at the Rain City Superhero Movement’s headquarters, aka, grandma’s basement. The names of these heroes? Thorn, Buster Doe, Green Reaper, Gemini, No Name, Catastrophe, Thunder 88, Penelope and Phoenix Jones the Guardian of Seattle.

However, what have we learned from movies, television, and comic books? Superheroes can’t just fight regular homeless-man-based crime. They need supervillains. I hereby proclaim myself one of those supervillains: Sassmachine, evildoer extraordinaire! My evil powers include aggressive driving and making inappropriate jokes that make everyone laugh and feel bad for doing so immediately afterward. I embody anti-Seattle. I won’t let you merge! I won’t wave you through a four way stop! If you’re an Ave rat taking your sweet time sauntering across the street when you KNOW I’m waiting to turn, I’ll mow your hipster ass down and snap you like a goddamned twig with my Ford Taurus assault vehicle! To demonstrate my total disregard for the rules of the road, I have been driving with one burned-out headlight for MONTHS and I will continue to do so–take that, heroes!

My partner in crime will be Waste Stream, a domestic eco-terrorist. He will perform his evil by scattering tracts hailing our evil deeds and talking smack about the superheroes, printed on virgin paper that has been laminated so it will never biodegrade, accompanied by the occasional half-eaten food product or lead-filled piece of broken electronics.

At this time, we also retain one executive villain assistant, who shouts obscenities at passers-by, points and laughs at the attempts of the heroes, and makes us coffee.

^{Pure. Evil.}

We are accepting further applications for our League of Petty Evil, so if you would like to join, please let us know your name and a little bit about you to make sure your type of evil really meshes with the group. A picture would also help us further determine if you are League of Petty Evil material. As you can see, we have a pretty sweet lair going already.

^{Coming soon: mini-fridge. Of evil.}

To further demonstrate my qualifications as an evildoer, here I am on a chart among other known evildoers:

^{Once you’re on a chart, you know you’ve made the big leagues.}

My first evil task was to set up a facebook page announcing my evil presence, and ‘liking’ the Rain City Superhero Movement. I’m sure it will only be a matter of time before I am both hated and feared.