As it turns out, despair alone doesn’t kill you

Many thanks to everyone who has reached out to me this week, via text, email, phone call, etc. Everyone’s kindness and support has made a difficult week a little easier, and even though I still feel nauseated and scared and my brain keeps whirring about unfairness and things I could have said and didn’t, it’s not as bad as it could have been, and I thank you all for that. Jason has been a rock for me this week, getting me to eat*, getting me out of bed/out of the house, encouraging me to exercise to keep my spirits up, and being supportive and understanding when simple things frustrate and upset me and push me close to the edge of a screaming, crying, way-overreacting “I’m gonna be homeless” tantrum.

I’ve been trying to keep myself busy. Friends have tipped me off to some jobs and I’ve sent out a few resumes, I’ve boxed up and sent out most of my physical movie media for trade-in at Amazon (something I’d been meaning to do for a while and additionally lessens the load when I decide to/have to move), traded in a big bag of books at half-price books so my bookshelf will stop leaning meanacingly, and have been doing other organization/cleaning tasks around the apartment.

On Tuesday, I took some beautiful thick brocade fabric I’d been saving for over a decade that I bought when I was in Taiwan and reupholstered one of the piano benches I’d bought for a penny from Guitar Center. I’d originally intended to make a top out of it, but a decade had come and gone and the top went unmade and had it been made, it probably would have gone unworn, so it was time to put it to use. I’m also working at getting better about how long I save things for undefined “project” use–if I find myself saving something using the same excuse used by someone on Hoarders, I set a timetable to actually use it, and if doesn’t get done, that stuff gets donated or binned, because I don’t have unlimited storage space for a lifetime of “someday”s and this has motivated me to start and FINISH doing things that otherwise could have been put off indefinitely.




I only wish I had enough fabric to reupholster both benches, but I’m sure I’ll find some that I like just as much for the other bench at some point.

*Also his presence keeps me from binging on everything in sight. Hello, eating disorder, I did not miss you.

40 Comments As it turns out, despair alone doesn’t kill you

  1. apestyle January 29, 2011 at 12:27 am

    Ah good to see you back online.

    1. admin January 29, 2011 at 3:07 am

      I’ve got some stuff to catch up on, maybe blogging will help me restore some sense of normalcy.

  2. variax January 29, 2011 at 12:28 am

    I approve of your anti-hoarding resolution. I struggle with that myself.

    1. admin January 29, 2011 at 3:35 am

      It’s something I’ve struggled with since I was a little kid–EVERYONE used to refer to me as a pack rat, and I know it has the potential to get worse, so I’ve been trying to get a better handle on it. I feel like I’ve learned some things (particularly from reading the posts about it on ‘s LJ) and that’s kept my apartment from exploding with stuff since I moved out on my own–now I routinely evaluate the things I have and their place in my life, and whether it helps me or hinders me to keep them.

  3. salanth January 29, 2011 at 12:36 am

    Gorgeous! Looks very classy!

    1. admin January 29, 2011 at 3:36 am

      Thank you. πŸ™‚

  4. electriclime January 29, 2011 at 1:01 am

    That is not only nicely done, but really amazing fabric!

    1. admin January 29, 2011 at 3:37 am

      Thank you! πŸ™‚

  5. amazoni January 29, 2011 at 1:19 am

    Beautiful fabric, and good job on keeping yourself busy doing things you’ve been wanting to, since you’ll be crazy busy with a new (and way better) job before you know it. Hell, my sofa needs to be reupholstered – how much do you charge? If I got black fuzzy fabric like your couch, Blackberry’s shedding would be much less noticeable. πŸ˜‰

    I am able and willing to hang out / eat / drink / decorate and photograph statuary with scarves / just talk / whatever you need most of the time, day or night. I’m just a text or call away. Don’t forget that, okay? I think you are incredibly bright, kind, beautiful and strong. If anyone can triumph over life’s curve balls, I KNOW it’s you!

    1. admin January 29, 2011 at 3:43 am

      My reupholstry techniques are less than professional, I’m not sure you want my staplegun hackjob on your couch. πŸ™‚ A monster fur couch isn’t necessarily appropriate in every home, but it’s made Napoleon’s shedding a hell of a lot more manageable/less noticeable then it was on smooth single-color fabric.

      Thank you for the support, Tonya, I will have to take you up on that. πŸ™‚

  6. mschilepepper January 29, 2011 at 1:30 am

    Big ups to you, girl. Your bench is fab! And I think doing the other in a coordinating fabric, rather than matching, will be more interesting.


    1. admin January 29, 2011 at 3:44 am

      They’re not in the same room, anyway, so they don’t need to be the same–the one with the new cover is now my vanity bench. The one in front of the computer could stand to be in a slightly funkier fabric maybe. πŸ™‚

  7. onceupon January 29, 2011 at 1:52 am


    I just got caught up and I am so sorry! It’s a big damn shock and it sounds like you are probably well-rid of the place.

    That bench looks gorgeous.

    1. admin January 29, 2011 at 3:52 am

      More than likely I am well-rid of the place. My manager was super-ineffective, and if he didn’t like something I was doing, he would just withdraw from me instead of talking to me about it which makes a working relationship difficult. I have had better, more direct managers who were still in their teens! He was always much chummier with the other employees than he was with me, and the difference in the way I was treated versus the office admin or the project manager was evident, though I imagine he thought he was being covert about it. So moving on to something else will ultimately be better for me. Still, it’s hard when his word is the only one that matters, because every other level of management was remote, and his word was that I wasn’t good enough. It’s sitting kind of hard with me at the moment, I hope it will get a little easier with time.

  8. gldngrrl January 29, 2011 at 1:56 am

    I haven’t been all that supportive onlin and stuff, but you are in my thoughts and I hope this all turns out for the best. ((hugs))


    1. admin January 29, 2011 at 3:53 am

      Thanks. πŸ™‚

  9. pikefish January 29, 2011 at 2:10 am

    I’m glad he’s there for you.

    bench is beautiful

    1. admin January 29, 2011 at 4:06 am

      It’s made a huge difference, I may well have still been moaning on the couch had he not come over.

  10. morlith January 29, 2011 at 5:38 am


    1. admin February 5, 2011 at 3:49 am

      Thanks. πŸ™‚

  11. technophobe1975 January 29, 2011 at 11:50 am

    I am exactly the same in situations like that, it is so easy to get into a cycle of thinking what you could have said or done differently at the time.

    1. admin February 5, 2011 at 3:50 am

      And it’s so unproductive! I will spend HOURS thinking of withering comebacks, after any chance of them being even slightly useful.

  12. thecostumegal January 29, 2011 at 4:38 am


    1. admin February 5, 2011 at 3:49 am

      Thanks. πŸ™‚

    1. admin February 5, 2011 at 3:50 am

      Thanks, honey. πŸ™‚

  13. g33kgrrl January 29, 2011 at 5:29 pm

    Yay to Jason, your bench looks awesome, and kudos to you for keeping yourself busy. I’m so proud of you.

    Even if I’m typing this on my phone and it thought I wanted to say “I’m so oreos of you.” That too.

    1. admin February 5, 2011 at 3:51 am

      It’s surprising how quickly the days go even without work!

      1. g33kgrrl February 5, 2011 at 3:57 am

        I was going to send you a fb message to check in today then I forgot! How are you?

        1. admin February 5, 2011 at 4:07 am

          I’m doing pretty well–I’m feeling less stressed than I was last week, and I’m trying to enjoy this free time though I still really worry about money. If I don’t get denied unemployment, I will breathe much easier. I had to fill out the questionnaire yesterday about exactly why I was fired in order to help the state make their decision one way or another and it’s a little nervewracking, knowing it’s wholly out of my hands now.

  14. lady_sotha January 30, 2011 at 1:58 am

    Being fired is one of the worst feelings in the world and I can totally empathize. I will send you telepathic hugs, because I firmly believe that hugs are awesome.

    High five to Jason and I’m glad you’re a little more motivated.

    Oh, and that fabric is gorgeous.


    1. admin February 5, 2011 at 3:49 am

      Thanks, honey. πŸ™‚

  15. whobyfire78 January 30, 2011 at 3:54 pm

    Oh man…I am way behind on LJ due to work and school and I just read this, and your previous entry, now. I am so sorry this happened. From what you’ve shared here, it sounds like you’ve really worked hard there despite being shat on repeatedly by management and having to put up with a hell of a lot of bullshit. It’s always really pissed me off that if you leave a job without giving notice, you end up screwed with a bad reference or sometimes loss of certain benefits, etc. but if an employer wants to get rid of you all they have to do is tell you you’re done and that’s it.

    You should know this already, but you are an intelligent, witty, seemingly outgoing person who clearly handles a dynamic, high-pressure work environment well. This doesn’t reflect poorly on you. In fact, it just confirms that your boss is a passive aggressive douchebag and you’re lucky in the long run to be free from him. Losing a job always sucks…but maybe this will open up an opportunity closer to where you want to me in the long run?

    Hang in there…*hugs*

    1. admin February 5, 2011 at 3:49 am

      I’m just hoping that the manner in which I was fired doesn’t cause me to be denied unemployment. All I need is a little cushion to help me find a new job, and the concern that I won’t get it is eating at me.

  16. kindofstrange January 31, 2011 at 11:51 pm

    Crap, just noticed this. πŸ™

    My condolances on the job suck. I’m glad you’ve got support and an arty outlet for some of the frustration, and know you’ll find something better in the long run. That place felt like a bad fit for you, so maybe this is a good nudge to find something that’ll make you happier.

    1. admin February 5, 2011 at 3:48 am

      Yeah, I’m still concerned that I won’t be able to find something in a timely fashion, but I am starting to feel better about not being at the old place anymore–I’m starting to untwist a little, I had no idea the extent to which the job had me nervous and wrought all the time.

  17. nicolemarieh February 1, 2011 at 10:31 am

    that bench looks amazing! i dont think you have EVER made an lj post that hasn’t impressed me in some way =P

    1. admin February 5, 2011 at 3:44 am

      That’s sweet of you to say, thank you. πŸ™‚

    1. admin February 3, 2011 at 3:58 am

      This was the first I’d heard of it, thanks for the heads-up! πŸ™‚

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