Today’s nom or vom item was spotted in the wild by Tara, who has noticed a number of items in New Zealand that are trying to introduce bold new American flavors to the kiwi market. Regardless of where you live, how do you feel about the hot dog pizza pocket?

Pros: The taste of freedom in every bite, continuing the proud tradition of combining pizza and hot dogs, presumably personally approved by John McCain, will make you want to bust out your best red white and blue tableware, the only thing standing between you and dinner is 90 seconds, conveniently portable (would fit snugly in a hobbit’s pocket), looks like a chopped up can of cocktail weenies and as we all know you can’t go wrong with cocktail weenies

Cons: It looks like someone chewed up a can of cocktail weenies and than spit out the premasticated slop into a cardboard tube, like a hot dog vomit pocket swimming in a ketchup-y cheese gravy, I see the word “pizza” on the box but there is nothing pizza related in there so I don’t think it counts as a serving of vegetables, limited edition so often means “We don’t think this item has long term appeal so we’re banking on your poor impulse buying decisions”, to be really American it should come with some kind of frosting or dipping packet and you should maybe hear an eagle scream when you bust open the box otherwise it’s just a pale imitation of the real thing

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In a world where two major name brand colas dominate the market, other would-be soda magnates have to try increasingly outrageous things to draw the attention of your average consumer. Rocket Fizz Soda Pop has attempted to capture the full range of the flavor spectrum in their sodas, from the more palatable sounding “Melba’s Fixins” to the more…uh…adventurous “Lester’s Fixins” offerings, two of which I recently spotted in the wild:

Pros: At least two parts of the food pyramid in one handy dandy package! It’s surprisingly difficult to find the nutritional information online but this is at least vegetarian and maybe even vegan so hey, it’s an all-inclusive flavor, you can have it for breakfast or dessert–anytime at all!

Cons: They tried to hide the fact that it’s artificial bacon with that shitty font and color and artificial bacon is the devil, it’s not like real bacon in soda form would be any better, artificial chocolate can be pretty wretched as well, stop trying to make bacon chocolate happen, I’m envisioning a chemicall-y smoky bitter yoo-hoo and I’m heaving a little

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Pros: What better thing to drink while you’re eating hot wings than a beverage that tastes like hot wings? Chicken without the hassle of chewing! A higher calorie way to drink your favorite condiment! Drink your lunch without getting fired!

Cons: What, no ranch…nevermind, nobody is going to put your photo up on the wall for this wing challenge, Lester’s soulless eyes reflect your thousand yard stare after opening your wallet and your gullet to his ruse

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Why? Why would you commit this crime against ice cream? What has ice cream ever done to you, Pink’s?

Here is an actual list of tasting notes from people who have tried Pink’s Durian:

“Like a gas leak. Seriously, should we be doing this in here?”

“Burnt onion compost”

“Like onions mixed with raw sewage.”

“There’s a sweet, wet-peat undertone to it.”

“Oh no. It’s getting stronger as it warms up.”

“If my four-year-old were here right now, he’d be asking who farted.”

DOES THAT SOUND LIKE ICE CREAM SUCCESS TO YOU, PINK’S!??! …ahem.

Pros: For the first time in the history of ice cream no one will try to dig a spoon into your pint, it’s…uh…local?, you can brag about not being a (durian) virgin if that’s the sort of thing you like to brag about, probably easy to stop eating, there usually isn’t a huge smell component to cold food so it’s got a little extra sensory zazz

Cons: The slimy durian texture will make it glide down your throat like a wretched slug and then maybe back out again, durian is the fruit that checks your ticket at the door of Fruit Prom, the fruit voted both “smells most like barf” and “most likely to make you barf” in the yearbook, this ice cream may be durian’s revenge

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