“So, your father tells me you’re making Christmas ornaments–that’s great! I’d really like to see them!”
“…I don’t think you’d like them so much.”
“Why? Are they giant PENISES or something?”
“NO. Why is it always about penises with you, mom?”
Category Everything is Terrible
Chubby Chasers Anonymous
On Saturday, Amy and I got dressed up (her moreso than me) and went out as we were both getting a little stir-crazy from the holiday. That is what we do–we get dressed up to go out to the same old bar and hang out with the same old people. It’s like home away from home.
Except this time. This time, there were a couple of really hot guys there. A couple of really hot guys who invited us back to their place. And we agreed.
Picture this, if you can deal with the lingering burn on the inside of your retinas: at some point later in the evening, I am making out with pretty much the hottest guy I have ever laid lips on. Things are going fabulously until, all of a sudden, he grabs my fat and says it turns him on.
…Let’s hear that again.
HE GRABBED MY FAT AND SAID IT TURNED HIM ON.
I pulled what has got to be the most horrified face in the history of mankind because, while I am ok with myself naked (I don’t shatter mirrors), the fat is NOT an attractant, and is, in fact, something I pride myself on keeping covered with clothing.
HE GRABBED MY FAT AND SAID IT TURNED HIM ON.
The worst part is that Amy was still…busy, so I couldn’t leave.
Gross. GROSS.
Putting the UGG in UGLY
Sometimes I read InStyle magazine. Shut up. This isn’t about my shameful pleasures.
I couldn’t believe my eyes when I saw the ‘What’s in now’ section in the December issue–just when I thought Ugg boots couldn’t get more ugly, walking blonde jokes Jessica and Ashlee Simpson got their hands on some and decorated them to auction for charity.
…they expect someone to buy these?
The poor kids who are supposed to benefit from this charity are SCREWED.
It looks like Ugg spared no expense, sending the ‘half a brain between them’ sisters BACK IN TIME to get some puff paint and garish nail polish and then passed the whole project off to their kindergarten selves to decorate. I can’t decide if Ashlee’s pictures a dolphin, or is a cruel depiction of someone with hydrocephalus drowning while struggling in vain to reach the end of a rainbow, whilst Judy Garland chokes out “somewhere just short of the rainbow” inbetween cackles of hysterical laughter.
So in addition to not being able to act, or sing, or dance, it’s evident that Ashlee can’t draw, either–is there no end to the things this girl can’t do?