Another One Bites The Dust

On Saturday, my intention was to lay around and do nothing. On our way to the show on Thursday, Emily said she can’t ever just relax, because her brain insists that if she has time to lie down, she has time to repot this plant or to clean this or to do that. I snidely told her the proper response in that situation was to say “Shut up brain, or I’ll stab you with a q-tip.” Little did I suspect at the time that her hyperactive brain was giving mine ideas, and though I tried my best to do nothing on Saturday, my brain insisted that I get up and go through the boxes I had in my storage closet like I had been intending to do for months. So, you see, everything that follows is indirectly Emily’s fault.

I loaded up my upbeat cleaning playlist (which consists of Earth, Wind, & Fire, Michael Jackson, Kennedy, ‘Do the Bartman’, etc) and since my patio faces a wooded area, I felt free to bop around and make an ass of myself. To start things off, I was listening to some Junior Senior. If you aren’t familiar, feel free to familiarize yourself:

I think it’s important that you’re able to place yourself at the scene as much as possible. So, it’s a nice warm day, I’m bopping around, the dog is watching me intently from the apartment, I unlock the door, take down a box, and it is absolutely covered in mouse droppings.

I dropped the box and screeched a little in dismay and rage. The possibility that I might encounter a mouse corpse or a live, rabid one, hadn’t even crossed my mind. I opened up the box to see if the contents were mouse-damaged, and a horde of spiders flooded out. Wave after wave, like soldiers hitting the beach. Tiny ones, larger ones, daddy long legs, those uber creepy translucent ones…I am certain, now and forever, that the proper term for a group of spiders is a ‘nightmare’ of spiders.

I shrieked and promptly declared defeat to the outdoors, decided that nothing in the storage closet was worth attempting to salvage, and threw it all away. Bye bye, Ursula costume. Bye bye, craft supplies. Bye bye, boxes I didn’t even attempt to open for fear of what new horror might be lying in wait.

Days later, and I am still slapping myself on every tickle, real or imagined. Thanks, Emily.

15 Comments Another One Bites The Dust

  1. weaselmom May 18, 2010 at 10:39 pm

    If I weren’t at work, I’d be weeping at the horror you must have experienced. And I mean that sincerely. We’ve had stuff stored in our garage for a year and now I am terrified to open the boxes. I can’t throw them out because it’s $25,000 worth of art.

    GODDAMN SPIDERS WHY MUST YOU BE SO HORRIBLE???????? I don’t even know Emily but can I blame her too?

    You need this. It’s okay. There are only stick-figure spiders in it. I promise.

    1. admin May 18, 2010 at 11:17 pm

      I hate those creepy-crawly bastards. Why couldn’t my storage closet become infested with something cute, like puppies?

  2. apestyle May 18, 2010 at 10:40 pm

    I wilt at such a description. Nightmare of spiders indeed.

  3. thisiserika May 18, 2010 at 10:42 pm

    My brain does that too. I hate it, because I’m looking forward to going into a Kardashian coma on the couch, and all of a sudden, I’m plucking my eyebrows, folding my laundry, and talking to my mom on the phone all at once.

    1. admin May 18, 2010 at 11:18 pm

      lol @ Kardashian coma

      WTF are those girls famous for, anyway?

      1. thisiserika May 19, 2010 at 1:18 am

        Their dad was a famous lawyer. I think he worked with OJ Simpson?

        Oh and a sex tape

  4. dear_amaranth May 19, 2010 at 11:00 am

    gahgahgahGAH!!! Fuck, I have to go through boxes in the basement later. GAHHH!

    1. admin May 19, 2010 at 7:07 pm

      Basements are generally better-protected than outdoor storage, though, so you should be ok. 🙂

  5. whobyfire78 May 19, 2010 at 1:37 pm

    That would totally be my reaction too. I live in a basement, therefore there are spiders or ants or even a centipede on occasion, and whenever I see them I freak the hell out. Luckily I usually have forewarning from the kittehs who start making weird noises and jumping around like those mexican beans, so I can steel myself somewhat.

    1. admin May 19, 2010 at 7:06 pm

      You need to train your kitties to attack!

  6. princessgeek May 19, 2010 at 3:48 pm

    I’ve totally listened to that song 3 times in a row.

    1. admin May 19, 2010 at 7:05 pm

      Catchy, isn’t it?

  7. Anonymous May 19, 2010 at 5:15 pm

    Why can’t I see videos you post at home??? Drives me crazy because I don’t want to play them at work. It must be Emily’s fault. Thanks, Emily!

    1. admin May 19, 2010 at 7:02 pm

      I don’t know, do you have other problems with youtube videos at home?

Comments are closed.