Chocolate Onions by Andrew Watson

What the hell, Philadelphia? What the hell? My gut did a flop just contemplating this photo of a real thing that’s sold in Chocolate by Mueller: chocolate covered onions. They’ve sold this ‘treat’ in their shop since the flipping 1980s, so either someone is buying them or these are 30+ year old onions languishing in their display window. I don’t know which would be worse.

Pros: Uh…chocolate is involved? Maybe it’s a sweet onion? It has sprinkles? I got nothin’.

Cons: Sweet baby jesus they didn’t even remove the papery skin, chocolate and onion together, there’s no way this is delicious

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First there was chocolate. Then came nuts and caramel. Now there’s a plethora of new and interesting flavors to help chocolatiers stand out from the crowd. Here’s a trio on which you may now pass judgment.

Milk chocolate with kettle chips: a little bit salty, a little bit sweet, I imagine the people who wouldn’t try this one are chocolate purists and potato haters.

Pros: Chocolate, chips, salt to cut the sweet, sweet to cut the salt Cons: Carbs in your carbs

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Now for a slightly more complex flavor: dark chocolate with chipotle, salt, and popping candy.

Pros: You can eat this and pretend to be heart healthy as it’s dark chocolate! Plus it seems like a natural finisher for a meal from chipotle, right? Cons: Maybe too much going on at once with the bitter, salt, hot, AND popping. I have already determined that chocolate covered pop rocks are not good.

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Last in our tour of the land of chocolate is the chicken tikka masala chocolate bar. Knowing that you couldn’t be satisfied with the mere essence of chicken, like the chicken and waffles syrup folks, this chocolate bar features real chunks of freeze-dried chicken.

Pros: It’s dessert, but it’s also a meal! Cons: I’m not sure that I need the extra dimension of stringy chicken to make my chocolate more delicious.

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I like chocolate. I like cheese. I like triple chocolate cupcakes, and I like extra cheese on my pizza. Hell, I like a slice of cheddar cheese after eating a slice of apple pie–sometimes ON said pie. If it’s the artery-clogging, blood sugar raising, bastard lovechild of a passionate mating between Wilford Brimley and Paula Deen that took place in a hot tub of bubbling trans fat oil, give it to me now.

What I’m saying here is that I’m no stranger to the delicious marriage of salty and sweet when it’s consummated in my mouth. Even chocolate and cheese together in one place are not unknown to me: chocolate cheesecakes are awesome, and in Wisconsin, we have an amazing smooth cream cheese fudge that goes by the unappetizing nickname “Chudge”.

But I look at sharp white cheddar and dark chocolate swirled together in bar form and I shudder a little. However, my opinion on the matter is not the only one that counts. Am I wrong? Is this a taste sensation?

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