Bustin’ Makes Me Feel Good: Pinata Bash 2015

June 3, 2015 3 Comments read (f)Art, Live Shows, Projects

I heard about the Pinata Bash about six months before the actual event date, which was plenty of time to make a killer pinata. Naturally, given six months to make it, I really only got started in earnest the week of the event, because time pressure makes me excel, or at the very least, gives me a primo excuse for not making something to the best of my abilities (“What did you expect, I put it together in ten minutes?“). I ultimately ended up making a dragon pinata primarily out of cardboard with a thin skin of paper mache, because I remembered all too well how quickly the last pinata I made was sliced in half.

The rules were as follows:

-Your pinata must contain a prize pocket

-The contents of the prize pocket can be anything so long as it’s not liquor, liquid, or potentially hazardous (but it was indicated that it would be ideal if you put in things that people would actually want)

-The pinata can’t be bigger than 5’x5′ or too heavy to lift with a rope and pulley

That was pretty much it! My dragon rolled in at just under five feet long, with jaws that snapped up and down when he moved, and was stuffed with seven pounds of atomic fireballs and chocolate coins. I was happy with my construction and my chances at snagging a prize until I got to Re-bar and realized that some people had worked way, way harder on theirs than I did and deserved the prizes way, way more than I did.

Clash of the Titans

Death Star

Dancing Emoji Twins

Ghostbusters

Kandi Kidz RaverBallz

Romy and Michelle’s Escape Helicopter

Smash the Patriarchy

Sadzilla

The first portion of the evening was the judging portion–the judges checked out all of the pinatas, made some initial notes, and then each builder was invited onstage to answer questions about their pinata. Seattle’s Mayor of Burlesque, Jo Jo Stiletto, wanted to know my dragon’s name, backstory, and magical powers, and I was suddenly thankful for all of the bullshit I make up on a regular basis, because while I walked into the club with a generic nameless dragon, I was able to come up with something on the spot. “He’s an…uh… Icelandic dragon who goes from house to house at night, breathing in his minty fresh breath through the windows. Whenever people wake up in the morning and say “Ooooh, it’s crisp!”, that’s him. His name is, uh, Skarsgård.”

After everyone talked about their creations, the judges conferred and selected the winners.

First place: Clash of the Titans. Obviously! This thing had light up eyes and the creators spent a full six months perfecting it.

Second place: Smash the Patriarchy. This one surprised me–sure, the name and concept were funny, but I would have pegged the death star or the ghostbusters ghost for this slot.

Third place: Ghostbusters. It even came with a proton pack smashing stick!

Last place: Sadzilla, where the only prize was a hug from the judges. They were openly cruel to this girl, not just about her pinata, but about her–one said she seemed retarded, and I was appalled. It doesn’t seem like this is how you should treat someone who spent time, effort, and money creating something so you could have an event to destroy it AND paid more to enter a pinata than they would have if they’d paid cover as a smasher. That was the big bummer of the evening to me.

The other bummer was how damn stingy builders were with their prizes, which is what I found out when we got to smashing. The entire point of smashing open a pinata is to get at the goodies inside, so yes, it is a total dick move to stuff your pinata full of glitter, opened fortune cookies, and old dirty socks. Or three starburst.

Skarsgård went down in one hit (the pinata curse continues), and the crowd fell on him and pocketed his guts within seconds. Someone carried around the head like a trophy, eyeless, because someone else had ripped them out as their trophy. I’ve never seen anything like it, and I’m even more convinced that I would not do well in a mob-type situation. Someone get these people some candy, stat! And take away their sticks!

This Doesn’t Deserve Its Own Post: Portland Edition

May 13, 2015 Comments Off read Oregon, Pacific, Travel, USA, West

Little Shop of Hairs is the most delightful name for a salon ever. EVER.

I made a special trip to The Candy Basket to see what they were claiming is the world’s largest continuous chocolate fountain. Their claim may hinge on the word “continuous” as it’s definitely not as large as the Guinness-verified Bellagio chocolate fountain. Even “continuous” is a stretch since it’s not actually working right now, and according to the employee at the shop, hasn’t worked for a while. Boo! Hiss!

I loved this artwork, and I’m tempted to put out a wee “I’m watching you” Lorax for those little bastards who get high behind my house.

This is the best version of the food pyramid I’ve ever seen. It is important to eat your pizza vegetables!

Dear Portland, I fixed your sign. You’re welcome. Everyone who counts loves Ned Flanders!

* I tried to visit the Rimsky-Korsakoffee House as I’d heard it praised as something that was helping to keep Portland weird. Unfortunately, it was packed full and was so hot that I couldn’t bear to stay inside (I know, what a delicate flower). Apparently the bathroom is pretty creepy, but there was also a line for that, and I draw the line at waiting in line to look at a bathroom.

* At one point during my trip, I was getting ready to leave my parallel parking space when a man stepped behind the car and stooped over in the street. I assumed he was tying his shoe, and since he was so close to the car and I needed to back up to exit the space, I decided to wait until he was done because I didn’t want to scare him. I know that I would be startled to see a car backing up on me, especially if I wasn’t sure they’d seen me behind them. But he seemed to be taking an awfully long time. “What is he doing? Relacing both shoes? Why would be doing that in the street when there’s a sidewalk right there?” I thought. All I could see in the rearview mirror was the back of his head and his stooped shoulders. So imagine my surprise when he turned around, locked eyes with me in the mirror, and screamed “GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME”. I was definitely in a hurry to comply, and as we pulled out, Jason informed me that the guy was actually setting up a tea party in the street. But by the time I rounded the block, his tea party was packed up and he was gone, less than a minute later. I’m calling it now: I just had an encounter with a tea-pouring ghost.

* I’ve been using DogVacay to find hosts for Napodog while I’m out of town. His regular hosts, whom I love, were unavailable for this trip, so I chose someone else in the area. This is the first time that I’m less than thrilled with the outcome–I didn’t know when I booked that there would be so many other dogs there. When I dropped him off, there were six, and the host indicated that more would be arriving. The house was torn up and it reeked. I didn’t feel great about leaving him there, but I didn’t really have a choice, and he seemed to be getting along with the other dogs. When I came to pick him up (a bit earlier than I’d indicated I would), they’d had him shut up in the garage by himself. His bark is hoarse, like he’d spent a lot of time protesting something. How long had he been in the garage? Were they planning on keeping him in there until the time they expected I’d be back? The smell of the house had also rubbed off on him and his bed. I can’t know if they mistreated my buddy but I don’t feel good about it and I will absolutely never bring him back to that host. That’s the thing about DogVacay: you don’t really know what you’re getting until it’s too late, even with reviews, because it’s awkward to leave a negative review publicly for a person and their house, especially if you’re only operating on a suspicion of what went on while you were away.

How Very Odd: The FreakyButTrue Peculiarium in Portland, OR

May 11, 2015 1 Comment read Attractions, Oregon, Pacific, Travel, USA, West

So many of Portland’s weird, iconic monuments to peculiarity have closed shop, moved, or disappeared. The 24 Church of Elvis closed for good in March 2013 after 30 years in four different locations. The Velveteria Museum of Velvet Paintings has packed up and moved to Los Angeles. The Faux Museum closed in January of this year. The Portland Alien Museum has closed to the public, ostensibly to deal with a predicted universal extinction event in 2016. The World Famous Woodstock Mystery Hole has stopped giving tours. That’s what makes it extra delightful that the Freakybuttrue Peculiarium has wholly embraced the slogan to “Keep Portland weird”, with their blend of outsider art, interactive displays, curios, and a good old-fashioned eating challenge: ice cream with a healthy sprinkling of insect larvae.

I loved the Peculiarium. LOVED IT. From its alien autopsy room to its videotaped lecture on the diseased zombie brain to its busty John Waters to its snarky signs to its absolutely amazing creepy dollhouse, the Peculiarium was everything I hoped it would be and more. I came, I saw, I bought their coloring book, I played with their theremin, and I thought long and hard about their Insect Eater’s Delight packed into a “Cone de Lisa” (aka a waffle cone with milk chocolate and a rice krispy treat inside decked out with sprinkles) but ultimately determined that I just wasn’t ready to eat real insects when just the suggestion of one once made me throw up. Also, I had a lot of doughnuts in there already. So maybe next time! I hope there’s a next time. Portland just wouldn’t be as weird without the Peculiarium.