An Open Letter to Amazon

12 Comments read Everything is Terrible

Dear Amazon.com,

Why does your recommendation feature suck so hard? If I tell it that I’m not interested in, say, a cd single, I shouldn’t have to say that I’m ALSO not interested in the UK version of the same single, or the Australian release of the same single…I JUST DON’T WANT IT. Also, if I don’t want a game, I don’t want the gamecube version or the xbox version or the ps2 version or the ds version or the 360 version…I DON’T WANT IT and I shouldn’t have to keep indicating that I don’t want it. If I own a version of a game and it’s available on six different platforms, I have probably already purchased it on the platform I wanted it on, and don’t need suggestions that I buy it for every other goddamn one. If I buy ONE book about circus freaks, I don’t want EVERY OTHER DAMN BOOK EVER WRITTEN on circus freaks. If I buy a Buckethead CD, you don’t need to recommend every other Buckethead CD out there–odds are, I either know about them, or a simple search on Buckethead would list them all. If I tell you I have a platinum gamecube, why does it suggest that I should buy one in black, purple, and orange? I ALREADY HAVE ONE. How many could I possibly need?

Why can’t it be smarter? More like Netflix?

In conclusion, please stop blowing goats.

Love,

Mellzah the Consumer Whore (and how!)

PROJECT: Flood the Office…P.S. Holy fucking shit!

20 Comments read Projects

For a while, daemonwolf has been posting intriguing little clues in the comments as to what she’s been fixing to send me in order to further grind on my apartment manager, clues which have indeed captivated my imagination:

“It’s not really that horrible, just… odd. I’m still sad I didn’t get the matching one, but goddamn shipping would have been ridiculous.”

“I went with the theme of BIG and KITSCHY.”

“He is on the way. I call him…. MexiClause. Or perhaps LatinoClause. I’m still sad I didn’t get the matching set. His woman, she was browtastic.”

Even though she told me it was big, GODDAMN I did NOT expect to see a package of such immense proportions waiting for me. All the while, as I was peeling off tape, my mind was still imagining what on earth ‘MexiClause’ could be–and even in my wildest imagination, I came nowhere close.

Just look at this:

I’m jealous of his luxurious beard, that’s so thick and masterful, it must be parted. If only I could grow a beard so spectacular–I’d go for a side-sweep part myself. Sort of a beard combover.

I’m reminded of the painting of Baba Rama Nana in Private Resort, but as I stare into his eyes, I’m not convinced that I should wear robes and worship him…yet.

Best. Painting. Ever.

Thank you, Tara!