An Open Letter to Amazon


Why does your recommendation feature suck so hard? If I tell it that I’m not interested in, say, a cd single, I shouldn’t have to say that I’m ALSO not interested in the UK version of the same single, or the Australian release of the same single…I JUST DON’T WANT IT. Also, if I don’t want a game, I don’t want the gamecube version or the xbox version or the ps2 version or the ds version or the 360 version…I DON’T WANT IT and I shouldn’t have to keep indicating that I don’t want it. If I own a version of a game and it’s available on six different platforms, I have probably already purchased it on the platform I wanted it on, and don’t need suggestions that I buy it for every other goddamn one. If I buy ONE book about circus freaks, I don’t want EVERY OTHER DAMN BOOK EVER WRITTEN on circus freaks. If I buy a Buckethead CD, you don’t need to recommend every other Buckethead CD out there–odds are, I either know about them, or a simple search on Buckethead would list them all. If I tell you I have a platinum gamecube, why does it suggest that I should buy one in black, purple, and orange? I ALREADY HAVE ONE. How many could I possibly need?

Why can’t it be smarter? More like Netflix?

In conclusion, please stop blowing goats.


Mellzah the Consumer Whore (and how!)

12 Comments An Open Letter to Amazon

  1. zophos March 25, 2008 at 11:23 pm

    If you liked the hardback of this book, you’d also like… the paperback version! Translated into French!

    1. admin March 25, 2008 at 11:28 pm

      AGH. If you own an xbox and dead rising, surely you’ll like strawberry shortcake adventures!

  2. earthdotprime March 25, 2008 at 11:26 pm

    i share your rage. so much.

    If I’ve bought book 4 in a series, why don’t I try… book 1 in the same series! grarrrrgh.

    1. admin March 25, 2008 at 11:30 pm

      We’ve noticed you bought book 4 in a series. We also offer it in paperback! Would you like to add it to your cart now?

    2. admin March 25, 2008 at 11:32 pm

      We noticed you bought a box set! Would you like to buy each item in it individually as well?

  3. shadowstitch March 26, 2008 at 12:31 am

    My favorite story about Internet Shopping Fail comes from back in 2001 or so, when Amazon wasn’t nearly the monster it is now.

    I was trying to use one of those “20$ off 50$” coupons or something like that, which Amazon offered in spades back in the day.. I needed a large round number, and I was about 10 cents shy, so I searched for the cheapest thing I could possibly find to add to the shipment in order to tip the scales and apply the coupon; rubber bands, paper clips, stuff like that. (A trick I learned from Staples’ online storefront, also back in the day.)

    I eventually bought a 35 cent bag of rubber bands, but that whole series of searches did irreparable damage to my “recommendations,” ensuring that Amazon hoped to pique my apparently manic interest in office supplies every time I visited the site for the foreseeable future.

    1. admin March 26, 2008 at 1:46 am

      We noticed you bought a Transformer. Would you like some rubber bands?

      P.S. LOL

  4. dslartoo March 26, 2008 at 1:05 am

    Besides, if you bought one Buckethead CD and it decided to recommend every other disc he’s ever appeared on, you would never, ever get free. IT WOULD BE A WHIRLPOOL OF BUCKETHEADNESS.

    Not that that’s a BAD thing, exactly. 🙂


    1. admin March 26, 2008 at 2:09 am

      I’ve already traveled down that path, and have FINALLY cleared all of the Buckethead off the list. Not that I don’t love the guy, but DAMN.

  5. benzarius March 26, 2008 at 12:39 am

    Wow. Apparently Amazon caters to the nutball completist demographic.

    Must…have…bonus platinum extended edition widescreen DVD…of star wars….

    ..14 hours of deleted scenes….must…add to collection…I can put it next to my Pan n Scan version of the same exact….oh no!! my Star wars shelf has collapsed under the sheer weight!! CRAPALAAAAAAANCHE!!!


    1. admin March 26, 2008 at 1:55 am

      We noticed that you bought a lot of bad movies. You must have a lot of expendable income. Would you like to add Britney Spears’ Crossroads, the extra platinum edition, a crappy movie dipped in crap and THEN in platinum, to your cart?

      P.S. Crapalanche, lol

      1. earthdotprime March 26, 2008 at 4:02 am

        We noticed that you bought a lot of bad, copyright-expired movies. you must have a lot of expendable income. Would you like to add those exact same movies in different DVD configurations/collections, in crummier transfers, to your cart?

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