So M. Night Shamawhosawhatsit’s new movie is coming out soon. All these new horror movies seem to follow a formula, and this guy is no exception. Craptacular acting (Bruce Willis is an optional, but surefire, way to make me hate it right off the bat) + weak writing + OMG WHAT A TWIST, NO REALLY, I AM VERY SURPRISED, REALLY YOU GUYS = summer horror movie.
I can’t imagine that this movie will be anything but awful. In fact, I predict that the ‘twist’ will be that horrible churning your stomach does when you realize you just wasted 10 bucks and a few hours of your life. What I REALLY want to know is: Who decided that a child whispering nursery rhymes was the ultimate in scary? I can’t walk by the TV without hearing “Who’s afraid…of the big bad wolf?” “This little piggy went to market…” “The wheels on the bus go round and round, round and round…” “99 bottles of beer on the wall….99 bottles of beer….if one of those bottles should happen to fall….” Broken glass and wasted booze. Now that’s scary, people.
I am going to make a movie called “Senseless Violence” and the protagonist is going to go around committing random atrocities whilst a group of merry children follows behind, chanting nursery rhymes. Then you’re going to find out it was all a dream…that a murderous, insane PURPLE turtle was having on another planet, right before he got tossed in the cookpot by a 4 year old whispering ‘ring around the rosy’. Fade to black. Most awesome movie, ever.
Hollywood, fund me! For the right amount of money, I could be convinced to call it “Wolves on a Submarine”.
I SO fucking HATE that commercial. It’s not SCARY that a kid is whispering enticements to go see the movie, nursery rhymes, OR telling me what the movie is rated and when it opens…it’s just ANNOYING. That whispering voice is like nails on a chalkboard, and I want to personally bitchslap M Night Shamalamadingdong once for every time I’ve have had to hear it.
The only time I have seen children whispering done effectively is in the middle of Fatal Frame, where you have to find out what happened to all these children that disappeared, and it is HIGHLY fucked up, and all these child ghosts are dancing around you chanting this actual Japanese kid-game chant.
IT IS FREAKADELIC SHIT AND IT WEIRDED ME RIGHT OUT.
Fatal Frame scares the hell out of me. I cannot beat it because I can’t play it by myself without getting the screamy meemies.
You obviously don’t remember watching that one movie…crap I can’t remember the name of it…Signs….and being scared as a little…I dunno….puppy, you were as scared as a puppy…yes…that sounds right…
Ignore the fact that we were drunk to the point of wearing lampshades…it was a scary movie dammit!
All I remember about that movie is there is some corn in it somewhere. At that point, it could be ‘signs’ or it could be the x-files movie.
I’m a ZOMBIE, MOTHERFUCKER! I’m going to EAT YOUR BRAINS.
I am sad because I saw the posters and they are really pretty. If I could get one without the movie stuff on it, I totally would, and I would pretend it was a Siren going, “Psst Odysseus! C’mere. No, srsly, it is awesome on these sharp rocks. The awesomest. DROWNING RULES.”
As it is, I saw the poster and went, “Oooh! What… oh. Crap.”
I reacted in pretty much the same manner–they advertised it on the inside of my netflix envelopes, and I went “ooooh pretty!–dammit not THAT movie.”
Hate hate hate hate.. haterade flows thru your veins! Hater. M. Night is pretty frikkin creative. I’ve dug most of his stuff. I’m pretty stoked about this one. Come see it with me and I’ll let you hold my hand.. it’ll make everything all rosy. luv you!
I’m such a hater, Dave Chappelle invited me to the Player Hater’s Ball this year. h8!h8!h8!h8!h8!h8!h8!
While watching a movie with you (not to mention holding your hand, dear) would seem like some sort of divine dream come true, I cannot fathom travelling so far to watch a movie. You should visit Seattle sometime; tis been far too long since we’ve had girltalk.
I like the idea of Wolves on a Submarine. It can be the sequel to Snakes on a Motherfuckin’ Plane, man.
cheers,
Phil
The important question: Can we get Samuel L. Jackson for this one? If not, I have a friend with a dog named Samuel L. Blackson, who is a remarkable character actor. Would it be too ridiculous to have a dog on a submarine?
TELEGRAM TO M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN:
STOP
Seriously. Sixth Sense? That was good. It was creative. But it was only good to watch once.
Signs? Most nonsensical fucking bullshit to ever get hurled upon a screen. From there, it only gets worse.
Lady in the Water? OH NOES, MR. SHYAMALAN, WHAT KIND OF MIND-BENDING CURVEBALL ARE YOU GOING TO THROW AT US? Maybe this world, the world we know, is actually only like a fish bowl, and our creators are watching us, and the lady from the water is like a social experiment.
Maaaaaaybe…..Soylent Green is people?
Actually with this movie, he claims there’s no twist and that everything is straightforward. But maybe that’s the twist itself! Like some sort of crazy paradox!
I actually dug his movies. Maybe it’s the indian in me…ha! It’s the macho male in me since his movies were geared towards men more than females.
Unbreakable kinda tapped into that whole male “i want to be a superhero” ego complex thing.
Signs was the Alien vs. Man theme with Phoenix going to bat (get it?! ha!! stay tuned for more corny jokes) as the male hero. That movie was the flakiest one out of the bunch just because the aliens were allergic to water and came to earth which has water everywhere! Humidity in the air should technically have killed them and rusted their ships!
Sixth Sense follows kinda the male superhero stereotype with the whole mutant ability to talk to the dead and bruce willis acting at the hero ghost in saving the kid…or as the guide leading the kid to becoming a “superhero”? Avenger of the dead? (he did stop that one woman who made the little girl sick)
The Village was cool I thought. It made the blind girl the superhero (but only after Phoenix failed)…so I guess behind every great male hero there should be a backup female hero?
We’ll see though, I’m fairly excited about this one. It looks pretty good but I’ll wait till the movie is out to pass judgment.
That last one was me.
Stupid livejournal won’t keep me logged in.
Re: That last one was me.
Somehow I knew that without you having to tell me. Our taste in movies couldn’t be more dissimilar, I think. 🙂
Re: That last one was me.
I don’t think my taste in movies coincides with anyone else I know.
I saw the movie last night and the theater had the most mixed reactions I’ve ever seen in my life. People stood up and cheered/clapped at the end. Then some people yelled “THAT SUCKED!!”
I liked the movie a lot, so did one of my friends who saw it with me, and the third guy hated it. So you’ll probably hate it too 🙂
Re: That last one was me.
To be fair, I’ve already decided in my mind that I’d hate it, so it would have to be EXCEPTIONAL in order to bring me around. Given that I haven’t liked a single one of his other movies, it’s highly doubtful that this one’s going to do it for me. 😉