I Know Where the Caged Bird Shits

and the answer is ALL OVER EVERYTHING IN THE WAREHOUSE. I’ve posted before about the scourge of crows (or rather, a murder of crows, which seems shiveringly appropriate, in an Alfred Hitchcock sort of way) that is visited upon our office building every winter. On Friday, three giant crows flew into our warehouse and we could not get them to leave. My boss made several attempts with some creative football-throwing, but the fact of the matter is that with a ceiling over 30 feet high, nothing you toss will have much effect on them. Eventually, everyone involved gave up and resolved to let them stay in through the weekend.

When I arrived at the office on Monday, I learned that not only had they set off the alarm three times over the course of the weekend, but that for their relatively small body size, they contain OVERWHELMING amounts of matter in their bowels. Even though there was no food or water for them to consume back there, they managed to shit on nearly everything. This, to me, was unacceptable. So I carefully walked to the back, remembering my unpleasant encounter in April involving a bird, my hair, and Pike Place Market, hoisted open the warehouse door and encouraged them to leave by calling out such things as “Fly away little birdies! You’re free! Free! FREEEEEE!”

Instead of leaving as I’d hoped, another, smaller variety of bird flew in.

I shut the door in frustration and decided to wait until the sun came up to make another attempt.

An hour passed. Always ensuring there was never a bird directly overhead, I again made my way to the warehouse door, and hoisted it up. The small bird flew out immediately. Score!

..and then a passing seagull made a banking turn, heading straight for the open warehouse door.

“OH NO YOU DON’T, YOU SON OF A BITCH!” I cried, jumping up and down and waving my short, stubby arms in the most threatening manner I could muster. Apparently it was quite threatening indeed, as the seagull immediately changed course, looking for less shouty pastures.

It was then that I noticed the neighbors behind us laughing at me.

I am awesome.

17 Comments I Know Where the Caged Bird Shits

  1. uncledisgusting December 5, 2006 at 11:31 pm


    1. admin December 5, 2006 at 11:37 pm

      I haven’t upgraded to robot laser eye fire yet, opting instead to spend my money on enhanced hip pistons with SUPER PUMPING ACTION.
      Now I’m not so sure I made the right choice. 🙁

      1. fete_pindon December 5, 2006 at 11:40 pm

        super pumping action you say?

        1. admin December 5, 2006 at 11:52 pm

          I would’ve thought the icon spoke for itself!

          1. fete_pindon December 6, 2006 at 9:17 am

            is that REALLY you?

          2. starladear13 December 6, 2006 at 3:04 pm

            Totally is her. Someone had to photograph.

          3. admin December 6, 2006 at 4:01 pm

            Yup, took it. There was a plastic goat decoration on top of a shed at a minigolf place we went to. Shenanigans ensued. It only became MORE appropriate as an icon when I remembered that LJ’s mascot is a goat. 😀

          4. fete_pindon December 6, 2006 at 4:38 pm

            well, fucking hell!!!!!!!


            best laugh i’ve had in ages!

      2. uncledisgusting December 5, 2006 at 11:41 pm

        yup – having a groovalicious robot that’s not good at killing with it’s eyes… not the first thing i’d go for on the options list.

        saying that, i’m the person who judges every movie by:
        1) are there robots in it?
        2) do they have fire coming out of their eyes?
        3) are there comedy zombies?

        1. admin December 5, 2006 at 11:57 pm

          I’ll put that upgrade at the top of my christmas list, then. The fire/x-ray eyes combo upgrade kit.

  2. robcutforth December 6, 2006 at 8:20 pm

    when pigeons flew into one of my stepfather’s quansets(sp?), my brother and I shot them with CO2 powered pellet guns. It takes about three shots to bring them down… they’re tough bastards.

    Very satisfying though, I recommend it highly. Especially if you hate pigeons as much as I do.

    Of course, I’m a pseudo-farmboy. City people might not like to shoot stuff as much. Personally, I think it’s just cuz they haven’t tried it. 😀

    1. admin December 6, 2006 at 10:48 pm

      And they say people in the US are the ones with the gun problem! 😉

      I asked my boss if I could expense a bb gun; his response was that although it would probably get through accounts payable, the greater issue is explaining to HR why we decided to bring a weapon into the workplace.

      I once fed a pigeon bites from a chicken salad sandwich. There’s something about species cannibalism that I find very amusing.

  3. dslartoo December 6, 2006 at 10:04 pm

    “Less shouty pastures”. I am completely undone by the awesomeness of this entry.


    1. admin December 6, 2006 at 10:50 pm

      Thanks! That santa hat is a good look for you, btw.

      1. dslartoo December 6, 2006 at 11:09 pm

        Thank you! I do love my Santa hat. 🙂


  4. magicmoco December 6, 2006 at 4:49 pm

    “Fly away little birdies! You’re free! Free! FREEEEEE!”

    that made me think of you in a witch hat with the most insane look in your eyes.

    pretty much, you would have own an oscar.

    1. admin December 6, 2006 at 10:45 pm

      I’ll totally clear a spot on the shelf for my eventual oscar. 😀

Comments are closed.