Yesterday, I drove to Seattle in the hopes of getting some of the free gasoline they were giving away in Queen Anne. As it turns out, doing a promotion which causes an even greater traffic frenzy during the already normally-frenzied rush hour is a STUPID IDEA. It lasted all of half an hour before getting shut down, well before I even found my way into the general vicinity. No free gas for Mellzah. At that time of the day, all southbound highways are essentially parking lots, and none of this part of the story matters except that it means I travelled EAST into Kirkland to pass time until I could go home.
And lo, time passed. Then came the self-reasoning: Since I’m already here, I might as well stay for karaoke. And stay for karaoke I did.
Well into the evening, an elderly Japanese man (80 if he was a day) approached the table I was sitting at, and started making small talk with Scott. He said he’d be singing some Elvis, and over the course of the conversation, he reached out and touched my cheek twice. A little strange, yes, but the bar is loud and perhaps he was just trying to get my attention. Even though it wasn’t a conversation that I was participating in. Nothing unusual there. Nosir.
Later on, as I was walking past him, he asked me if I’d ever slow-danced before.
“ummmm…well…”
“You….uh…can…uh…do now with me.”
So, I decided to humor the elderly Japanese man. Ne’er ye mind that I don’t particularly like being touched by strangers. He’s OLD. I cannot possibly say no.
All of ten seconds later, he’s slow-dancing with me. And not a respectful distance sort of slow-dance, oh no. As I am growing increasingly uncomfortable, he begins singing a song about the month of September to me. I wanted to call out the universal safe word (banana!) but no one in the vicinity seemed likely to rescue me, PLUS he’s OLD and I should humor him because he’s OLD and maybe I am being silly and he’s just trying to be a gentleman with zero creepy overtures whatsoever plus he’s OLD and it should almost be over SOON and THAT is when he whispers in my ear “oh you are-a so cute, baby, what are we gonna do about it?” and GRINDS HIS HIPS INTO ME.
He then asks for my phone number. Oh yes, old Japanese man. That is a lovely idea! Perhaps I could introduce you to my grandfather. You might recognize him from when you fought him in World War II.
I’d been meaning to write here about other recent Freak Magnet incidents–a stranger telling me that I had nice teeth and, by the way, would I like to suck his dick? and also the guy who kept rubbing my hand because he was trying to teach me about ‘Chaos Theory’. Unless the chaos caused is that of my other hand punching you RIGHT IN THE FACE, I’m not buying it, buddy. But I digress. BOTH of these stories have been trumped by the 80-year-old Japanese man grinding his hips into me and trying to smooth-talk me in broken English. I may never have a story that beats THIS story, ever.
Freak Magnet willing, however, I will.
I am totally not laughing at you right now.
Sure you aren’t, Miss Sarcasm. HOW CAN YOU LAUGH AT MY PAIN?
And then state that you’re NOT laughing at it? OH THAT HURTS ME EVEN MORE, your SECRET LAUGHTER.
You have me rolling. 🙂
I think that’s possibly the only benefit of this life of attracting terrifying freaks–at least I get good stories from it. 🙂
ouch.
This is what you’re missing in Seattle. Surely, SURELY you’ll want to come visit now!
Whoever did the “stroking the hand talking about chaos theory” was totally ripping off Jeff Goldblum’s character in “Jurassic Park”. It was cheesy then and it’s cheesy now. 🙂
cheers,
Phil
Yeah, I can’t believe anyone thinks 13 years is long enough to get away with trying that one again. That’s like trying to pull off singing “You’ve Lost That Lovin’ Feelin'” to a stranger in a bar, on the theory that no one could possibly remember Top Gun.
I think I am going to leave a horse head in someone’s bed. Surely no one remembers The Godfather! 😀
Oh hell, I’d forgotten all about that. Now it’s cheesy…a few nights ago I just thought the guy was mentally retarded.
I’m not laughing either.
HE WAS ATTEMPTING TO BOMB MY PEARL HARBOR HOW COULD YOU NOT LAUGH OMG OMG?
Rich, vivid metaphor! Did he down your Arizona?
Hey, that’s the part of growing old I’m looking forward to. 🙂
Prepare to be the subject of many hushed, giggling conversations and blog posts. 😀
what is it with you and weirdos?
if jordan and i were there, we would’ve rescued you! we had enough sense to do so when that klingon guy was talking to you. =P
oh, also… i agree that you totally have dick-sucking teeth.
Thanks! My parents will be thrilled that the small fortune they spent on my braces is not going unappreciated. 😉
Yes, yes you did rescue me. For which I am eternally grateful.
The only way I can explain it is that I have a freak magnet buried somewhere deep inside my delicious guts. If you check out my freak magnet tag, you’ll see many more similar stories–it’s too hilarious for me to be TOO sad about it.
This super-powered freak magnet is what guarantees me that I will eventually be hit on by Johnny Depp’s twin…after some sort of debilitating accident when he loses a limb, some teeth, develops a stutter, and is so decrepit it’s like he just climbed out of a grave. That’s something to look forward to.
Maybe.
Gigolo Aunts were my husbands favorite band!
🙂
Um…and I am sorry about the japenese guy? (what do you say in these situations? Truly? I mean, it’s like when someone sneezes you say ‘bless you’ and then they cough and you don’t know what to do.) Great story though!
I believe the proper response is to point and laugh. That seems to be the general consensus. 😀
Your freak magnet stories are always amusing. 🙂
I’m glad you enjoy them; from a young age, it seems, I’ve been destined to grow up and attract freaks so that I may have good stories as stand-up material.
I laughed for 2 days. Randomly. People were asking me “What the hell are you laughing at?” When I showed them your post, they laughed for hours. One of them is actually trying the old man technique of caressing your hand and giving you a lecture about Chaos theory. Old man humppage…it’s almost as bad as the 90 year old jewish women trying to make a move on me.
Did this 90 year old woman physically violate you?
More importantly, did you like it?
Hey hey now, we’re here to laugh at YOU getting molested by some old guy, not me. But to complete the story, I had 3 jewish women surround me, one climbed onto my lap and started stroking my arms and chest and said “my my, don’t you look so handsome in that suit of yours.” and when she felt my muscles, she said “So strong too!” That’s when the other 2 started groping me. My friend sat across laughing hysterically at me. 🙁
i thought the universal safe word was “montana”
just saw this robot kid picture and wanted to drop it your way
Chaos Theory is a real hand-rubber.
When I’m 80, I’ll also go for it.