Family Home Evening

I spent Christmas Eve with Aisling’s family–I’ve been there often enough that I’ve pretty well been embraced as part of the family, like inbred cousin Cletus who just shows up on the doorstep, and you feed him because you don’t want him to eat roadkill or starve but ultimately it’s a mistake because he just keeps coming back. I’m that guy.

Like a couple of years ago, we again played the name game. We didn’t pull any magically hilarious names out of the ether like Sir Charles Titswamp this time, but I must admit to being delighted when someone pulled one of my contributions to the box, didn’t recognize the character, and had to do mental gymnastics to get someone to guess it. Especially when the reward was finding out she’d been focusing on a talking piece of Christmas poo.

After the name game, this year we had a white elephant so that we might all share love and joy and the worst gifts ever conceived. You might ask how it is that I ALWAYS have something at home to bring to a white elephant, and I might ask you to shut up, embarrassed that I live such a tacky life.

I walked away with this gem:




This DVD contains the sixteen greatest minutes of footage ever committed to film. It’s so good, they had to copyright it twice. It’s so good, it makes sixteen minutes feel like an hour. It’s so good, it’s not embarrassed about using the same footage a few times over the course of said sixteen minutes. Not only has it taught me everything about building the world’s best family, it’s also taught me that the world is a cruel place and the only place you are actually safe is WITH your awesome family. Additionally, it has taught me the importance of fun activities and enjoying refreshments. One thing that can be constituted as a fun activity is jumping on a trampoline in a circle, holding hands with your family. This is why I am deadly, seriously, honest-to-god-no-lie proposing an outing to Sky High Sports with as many people as I can convince to come with me, with delicious refreshments before or after depending on how people feel about eating and bouncing. I will build a family with you people whether you like it or not. How does Saturday, January 16th look for everyone? Here is a hint: It had better look good. Family members who do not participate in family outings are subject to vicious beatings. That’s the way my family works.

18 Comments Family Home Evening

  1. mcfnord December 28, 2009 at 6:47 pm

    My ladyfriend grew up LDS. And one could be down on family family blah blah blah but when she had brain surgery and couldn’t move they took good care of her. Uncompensated labor FTW!

    1. admin December 28, 2009 at 7:21 pm

      I’m not down on family, I’m down WITH family.

      1. mcfnord December 28, 2009 at 7:23 pm

        when paralyzed, it’s good to know they’re there!

  2. stationary_jew December 28, 2009 at 7:02 pm

    Is it bad that I saw the front cover image before reading any of the post, and immediately said “Hmmm… Mormon”?

    I can’t read the original copyright date there, but I’m assuming it’s a while back. I’ve seen a few Mormon videos, and while the content is always very… Mormon, the production values are generally pretty high. Even when they show the resurrected Christ beaming down to speak with the Nephites, the cheese lies entirely in the concept, not the execution.

    1. admin December 28, 2009 at 7:22 pm

      The original copyright is 1992. I didn’t get any resurrected Christ in my video, though, and now I feel totally ripped off. 🙁

      1. stationary_jew December 28, 2009 at 8:13 pm

        Resurrected Christ is easily acquired; Ben Hur or Passion of the Christ will hook you up (though I only recommend watching one of those). For teleporting-in-to-talk-to-fictional-Mesoamericans Christ, you’ll need something about Zarahemla; I’m almost certain the one I saw was this.

    2. mcfnord December 28, 2009 at 7:26 pm

      I have theories around all this. First, I think LDS is exceptional at marketing. They rely on new recruits. Perhaps not in a Ponzi sense, but in a “we’re small let’s grow and babies only go so far” sense. Curiously I’ve learned the emblematic “missionaries” method of door-to-doorism is a miniscule source of new converts, but it’s still done to educate and indoctrinate LDS youths.

      1. stationary_jew December 28, 2009 at 7:49 pm

        I happened to catch the annual membership report a couple of years back. I think that at the time, they had something around 50,000 active missionaries, and had about 200,000 conversions for the year. They didn’t break down those numbers by how many conversions involved the missionaries. Since there were at least two returned missionaries and a bishop in the room at the time (and it was their house), I didn’t share my thoughts on the inefficiencies of time and money represented by having people dedicated to missionary work and nothing else averaging only 4 converts a year. The indoctrination angle makes sense, though; I imagine after you’ve dedicated more than a year of your life to the cause, it’s that much harder to consider the possibility that it’s not a good cause.

  3. amazoni December 28, 2009 at 7:24 pm

    No offense, but I think me in a trampoline-padded cell would be a VERY BAD THING.

    1. admin December 28, 2009 at 7:35 pm

      Yeah, I figured. Just know that when I administer your vicious beating, it’s hurting us BOTH.

    1. admin December 28, 2009 at 8:24 pm


    1. admin December 29, 2009 at 3:51 pm

      Comin’ again to rock the motherfuckin’ trampoline YEAH!

  4. beachin December 29, 2009 at 3:33 pm

    So spank me.

    1. admin December 29, 2009 at 3:50 pm

      I WILL.

  5. agentdanak January 3, 2010 at 6:16 am

    i found the post 😛

    okay, so if my calculations are correct, we *should* be free that day. barring horrible bus issues, i am going to tentatively say we will be there. just be sure to remind me, or i will forget. i have no memory.

  6. poetrix618 January 5, 2010 at 1:38 am

    I am amused. Trampoline. Do the LDS know that trampolines are some of the most very dangerous seemingly innocuous toys in the world? Maybe paralysis IS what they’re after. It sure keeps you in the family.

    And, yeah, I’m in.

Comments are closed.