Elegant Swan, My Ass.

In retrospect, starting a very strict diet during the week when my ovaries are screaming “EAAAAAAAAAT BECAUSE YOU COULD BE HAVING A BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAABY SOON!!!” was an unwise decision.

I would also like to take a moment to announce that if any of my friends were hoping to have me as a bridesmaid at their wedding, you are pre-emptively DENIED. Life is too short to spend three-month stints at a time eating cabbage soup. DENIED!

11 Comments Elegant Swan, My Ass.

  1. scrapyard March 28, 2007 at 9:32 pm

    I like to refer to that as my body insisting that I must have a layer of subcutaneous fat to protect potential fetuses from the subartic cold.

    What we need is the ability to tell evolution that HELLO IT IS NOT THE ICE AGE and ALSO I AM ON BIRTH CONTROL so fucking CUT IT OUT.

    1. admin March 28, 2007 at 10:52 pm

      I certainly wish there was a way to convey to my body that I don’t ever want to have children, so it can actually stop with the whole shebang.

      1. scrapyard March 29, 2007 at 12:42 pm

        I highly recommend Loestrin FE. That’s the BC I take, and I haven’t menstruated since October.

        Apparently this is common with this particular pill. I’ve… kind of forgotten what it was like, having to wear tampons. o/~

        1. admin March 29, 2007 at 3:33 pm

          That is the best thing I’ve ever read. Ever.

  2. stationary_jew March 28, 2007 at 10:13 pm

    I decided, on a bit of a lark, to pick up some Slim-Fast (Optima) this week. Been having it for breakfast in place of my usual bowl of oatmeal (which I should probably be finding a place for elsewhere in the day; cholesterol’s about as much an issue for me as weight), and instead of around 11:30 suddenly saying “NeedtofindastoppingpointandHAVEFOODNOW”, I’m finding myself saying “Hmmm, it’s almost 1… I should probably pop off for a bite so my eating schedule isn’t too far off by evening”. So the appetite control thing seems to work directly, as well as via the mechanism of coating your tonque with a bizarre anti-chocolatey aftertaste that you can just tell would mix vilely with anything you might decide to chomp on.

    Your results may vary.

    1. admin March 28, 2007 at 10:49 pm

      I generally have no problem with going for a while without eating–I understand it’s equally unhealthy to skip breakfast & lunch, but my body doesn’t get angry with me for doing so. It’s just this week. I’m loathe to say you can’t understand because you don’t have ovaries, but exactly one week per month my body screams “GIMMEGIMMEGIMMEGIMMEGIMME” and it’s not just a ‘gimme because I’m hungry’ in general, but intense cravings for specific high-fat, horrible things. It was easier for me to give up cigarettes than it is to deny the doritos just during that one week. The other 3 weeks, they’d sit and go stale in my cupboard.

      My big plan is basically to distract myself with exercise and put myself in places where I’m around people who know I’m dieting.

      1. stationary_jew March 28, 2007 at 11:08 pm

        I strongly suspect it’s a thing that I understand very well in principle, but not at all in degree.

  3. cagexxx March 29, 2007 at 6:02 pm

    I usually find you to be very funny. However, I found your first sentence in this post to be *hilariously* funny. I just thought you’d like to know!

    1. admin March 30, 2007 at 5:22 pm


      :mr. burns finger-tent:

    1. admin March 30, 2007 at 5:47 pm

      I feel a bit like Charlie Bucket–nothing goes better with cabbage soup than more cabbage!

      I’m still not sure how I feel about the smashing pumpkins reunion/tour. I’d be thrilled if it were the same members reuniting, but since they haven’t announced who is in it yet, I’ve got a sinking feeling it’s a new band trying to go by the same name, which is really disappointing.

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