STOP WHAT YOU’RE DOING AND WATCH THIS NOW.
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Mercy sakes alive, looks like we got us a convoy
We got another weirdo truck driver in today. Not scary-violent like the last one*, but a guy who was clearly suffering the ill effects of not being around people very often. He had a potent musk, eau d’whiskey sweat that has been scraped off the skin with its natural b.o., muddled in a dirty ashtray with just a hint of urine.
He picked up every single one of the admin’s desk decorations to inspect them and perhaps mark his territory, and exclaimed with each one “hee! Well don’t that just beat all!”
All of a sudden, he stopped. He was captivated, held in thrall by something. Just as quickly, his trance was broken as he shouted “Lookit, those pictures remind me o’ them Twilight books. You read those? She uses flowers on the cover…none of you have read ’em? It’s romance books. They’re about vampires, not like, rip your guts out vampires, but it’s a teenage love story. Ha, there was a 17 year old vampire what’d been 17 for 400 years, ’cause once you get bit, you stay bit.”
I WAS DYING, YOU GUYS. It’s not safe for me to hold in laughter like that, I could pop a kidney!
*I don’t think I ever posted about this– after scaring the living Jesus out of everyone talking about how anyone who talked shit about the Hell’s Angels deserved to die, he came back the next day, told the admin his life story, started talking about how he had hurt himself the day before (how, I don’t know, because he didn’t do any of the lifting) and then asked where the nearest hospital was. He left…and never came back. Two months later, the trucking company called to ask if perhaps we had one of their rigs. Yes. Yes, we did. Mr. Hell’s Angels? Disappeared.
James Monroe’s colossal nose was bigger than Pinnochio’s!
Last week, I went thrifting with mschilepepper on an important mission. Mission? NOT ACCOMPLISHED. However, we were arguably distracted by an item of incredible awesomeness. When I saw it, I laughed so hard, I nearly fell over, but decided I couldn’t justify its purchase as buying something merely to mock it seems like a level of kitsch I’m not yet willing to embrace.
As we were waiting in line with her finds, mschilepepper turned and asked me if I was suuuure I didn’t want to buy this item, and that, ladies and gentlemen, was when my freak magnet kicked in. This time, I drew an astonishingly drunk woman into my orbit. Bear in mind, it’s 1:30 in the afternoon on a Thursday, so even SORT of drunk would be mildly astonishing. But she was not sort of drunk. She was ragingly drunk, so soused that when she spoke, I felt both sanitized and nearly contact-buzzed. She slurred and asked me to show her this amazing item because ‘you can talk ’em down’, and when I trotted back, her jaw dropped.
“Thatsh…thatsh a collectorsh item, thatsh…amashing! Thatsh an inveschtment!”
mschilepepper tried to negotiate the price of our investment with the counter lady, but she would have none of it–which is when Drunky McDrunkerson announced that she wanted to be part of this moment and flung money on the counter. After I paid the balance, Drunky McDrunkerson kept rubbing my back and giving me hugs and saying she was SO HAPPY for me and the investment I’d just made, and that she was SO GLAD to be a part of it, and then she stumbled off into the midafternoon sunshine.
But just what the fuck was it that I had bought? This great investment?
Only the most brilliant plate of all time:
It makes me laugh that these keen platemakers found a way to align George Washington, Ronald Reagan, and George H.W.Bush (because I am SURE it is not a coincidence). It makes me laugh that H.W.’s picture is sooo much larger than all of the rest. I kind of can’t wait to serve people cookies on this plate and see their reaction.
I also kind of want to decopauge Obama’s face onto the eagle’s shield. Or maybe my face, with my dictator moustache. Would that ruin my ‘inveschtment’, do you think?