Category TV

Oh jinkies, it’s the Ghost Adventures drinking game!

On Friday, I went to a friend’s place to have dinner, gossip, and play the Ghost Adventures drinking game. If you’re not familiar with Ghost Adventures, it’s a show about grown men who have decided to investigate supposedly haunted areas and their theory is that they can draw the ghosts out via taunting. It’s three men, standing in the dark, illuminated by night vision cameras in an empty room, screaming at nothing. In a word, it’s amazing. It’s like a slumber party for dudes minus the nail-painting and lasting psychological damage. If people think *I’m* an overacter (and the majority of the population does), I’ve got NOTHING on these guys.

We watched two episodes, one from the first season when they visit a country-music bar that they have heard is “the gateway to hell” and the second was the newest episode, where they revisit that place. The first time around, they went crawling through some drainage pipes and then had themselves locked into the building at night. The ringleader of this ridiculous spectacle, Zak, began to complain about some heat and pain on his back after screaming at the ghosts that if they wanted to attack someone, they ought to attack him. His shirt was lifted, and to the sounds of much dramatic freaking out by all of them, they discovered that he had three faint scratches on his back. Zak’s voice started cracking as he demanded at the air to know why something had injured him, when it’s patently obvious that he had injured himself earlier in the day in the drainage pipes because his skin was not reacting in a way that would be consistent with scratches that had supposedly just occurred. Zak decided to consult a ‘priest’ (I have my doubts) about his injuries, and the priest claims that it’s three scratches to represent the holy trinity. Demon ghosts are all about god symbolism, you see. Totally.

When Zak returns to the scene for the next episode, he again freaks out and claims that this is where he got his ‘scars’. Really, guy? Three light, faint scratches managed to scar your delicate skin? The scars are never shown and I am calling shenanigans. I also called shenanigans when the ‘priest’ insisted that the camera be shut off when he was supposedly exorcising one the guys. SHENANIGANS. You can’t have a show about taping everything to prove that there are ghosts and then shut off the cameras when it’s easier than faking demonic possession.

Regardless, the drinking game is as follows:

1. One drink per Zak voice over 2. Two drinks per Aaron “OMG” freak out and run 3. One drink per EVP 4. Chug for entire duration of a ‘possession’ 5. Two drinks per disproportionate conclusion Zak comes to when talking out loud (for example, if they hear some random clicking sound–“Is that the sound of the gun that Roger Rogerson loaded before taking the life of his girlfriend and then himself?”) 6. One drink per new piece of unexplained electronic equipment 7. One drink per ridiculous camera angle

…we drank a LOT.


I don’t care who knows it.

‘Lost’ SUCKS.


Amy has been renting all of the past seasons from Netflix and I’ve watched it on and off, or I hear it in the background while I’m screwing around on Al Gore’s InterTrucks. I tried to give it a chance. I tried. But I hate it.

HAAAAAAAAAAAATE it. I thought the show was merely ok until they introduced ‘the others’, and then my indifference turned into flat-out, full bore, all-systems-go hate. Oh hi, we’re mysterious people on the island for mysterious purpose, and we have a shitton of supplies (that we don’t believe in sharing) and some sort of stupid hidden agenda because the writers needed some more spooky bad guys in case the (ooooooooo!) smoke monster and random horses and polar bears weren’t spooky enough. Also, a complete medical facility, and all manner of electronics that are powered by….? Hamsters?

Introducing more people from the plane as they’re needed? HATE. “Oh, hi, I just happen to be a science teacher at the exact moment you needed someone to tell you about science! My name is Deus. Deus Ex Machina!”

Everyone having sordid backgrounds? HATE. I know a lot of people. A LOT. And not one murderer. Weeeellll, ok, one. But only incidentally because my roommate was dating him. 40 people survive a plane crash and most all of them have killed someone, either on purpose or by accident? Seriously?

Why do people think this show is so brilliant? I just don’t get it. It seems to me like the writers have been careening around, fairly lost themselves.


This changes EVERYTHING!!!

Amy brought home some tapes her mom had recorded, and mentioned to me that there were a couple of things on one of them that she thought I’d be particularly interested in.

The first, from the History channel, was about the history of toys and games. YES.

The second, also from the History channel, was about the history of robots. OH FUCK YES.

I settled in to watch these television masterpieces, when I saw something that particularly excited me: the robot show featured commentary by a robot historian. A WHAT? I didn’t even know that sort of job EXISTED. Obviously, somewhere along the line, my guidance counselor really fucked up, and luckily, I think I can explain exactly where everything went awry.

In high school, the guidance counselors made a big deal about going from classroom to classroom, administering a test that would clarify, without a doubt, what our future career paths should be. A few weeks later, we received the results, and I tore mine open, excited to see what my future held.

This test, this infallible test, proclaimed that I should be: a mime, a puppeteer, or a horse breeder. A what, a what, and a WHAT? Perhaps the test detected some self-loathing and wanted to maximize its potential. Even combining all of those things wouldn’t make for one GOOD job. Dressing up in stripes and pretending to jack off an imaginary horse doesn’t sound like fun to m–ok, it sounds like fun for approximately 10 seconds. You were wrong, test! Where the fuck was ROBOT HISTORIAN on my list?

While I was furiously pondering these things, Amy mentioned, “It’s really too bad that robot historian isn’t cute, because you guys would totally hit it off.”

I’m inexplicably attracted to him, anyway. Robot Historian, if you ever read this, come do me. Might I kill you and take your job afterwards? Well…isn’t that the risk everyone takes?