Category Movies

One of these days, Alice.

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Everyone who stayed home on Friday to watch the mid-season finale of Battlestar Galactica, I envypity you. Because WE watched ‘Nude on the Moon’, a movie where the title succinctly describes the plot. That is, if ‘Nude on the Moon’ HAD a plot. When I see movies this bad, I expect to see two robots and a cheeky lad silhouetted in the lower right-hand corner of the screen.

It’s about 10 minutes of two men doing ‘science’ to get themselves to the moon, which mostly involves random acts of chemistry, 2 minutes of the secretary pining for one of the uninterested scientists, 8 minutes of the most hilarious spacesuits ever, and 50 minutes of topless ladies cavorting in a manner that indicates that ‘Developmentally Disabled Nudes on the Moon’ might have been a more apt title.

Who knew that all it took to go to the moon was mixing a couple of chemicals together while staring pensively and muttering that you’re not interested in a family? If that’s true, I should’ve rocketed off to the moon at some point during 10th grade chemistry. Screw stealing dad’s Playboys, now adventurous pre-teens can use their ‘Lil Rascal Chemistry Kit’ to go to the moon!

So, the moon is full of topless babes wearing bikini bottoms that display ample amounts of coinslot (who also don’t talk, and therefore can’t talk back), and speedo-wearing dudes who are so hairy it looks like they might be wearing cashmere sweaters, plus two douchebags in the aforementioned hilarious spacesuits.  Also, the moon has a blue sky with plenty of atmosphere. Also, plants, trees, and plenty of water. Shockingly, the moon’s surface looks just like Florida!

Once our intrepid chemists arrive on the moon, they set out to explore, finding that the moon is full of gold (which they can’t take back, owing to the weight). The gold revelation, however, is completely forgotten once they see boobies, and apparently, so is the dialogue. For the period of nearly 40 minutes that they’re wandering around on the moon, there are maybe six lines of dialogue, consisting of “Hey look at that one” and then ten minutes of dialogue-free booby shots…then another three second shot of one of them saying “Get a picture of that one!” and then another ten silent minutes.

During his time on the moon, Our Hero falls in love with the leader of the Boob Squad, who looks exactly like his pining secretary, minus the giant black mole, complete with the world’s scariest eyebrows, but has to leave her when the fire extinguisher strapped to his back runs out of ‘oxygen’. When he gets back to Earth, he pictures his secretary naked and realizes that he could love her, after all.

AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW.

Here’s what the Mystery Science Theater guys might have had to say about it:

THE SPICE MUST FLOW

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Last night, Tristan and I went to see Dune at the Egyptian Theater. Nothing really says ‘fantastic evening’ better than Captain Picard riding a sandworm while guitars wail in the background, and I dare you to tell me otherwise.

Monster Movies Part III

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October 16th Tremors color, 1990. I used to love this movie, and one line in particular struck me and made me giggle every time–“Judas PRIEST that stinks!” I waited eagerly to hear it again…and realized that the line I’d loved so much had been in the edited-for-tv version, and in the non-edited version, it was the more plain “JESUS CHRIST that stinks!” More blasphemous? Maybe, depending on who you’re talking to. But definitely more boring.

October 17th Piranha II: The Spawning color, 1981. Holy hell, this was awful. And awesome. And awful. But awesome. Bonus points for starting the movie with a graphic underwater sex scene. Bonus points for really cheesy flying murderous fish. Minus points for ripping off one of the greatest movies of all time. (edit: Jaws.)

October 18th Reno 911 Halloween Episode color, 2003. No, not a movie, really. But to be frank and honest, I didn’t have a lot of time between work and going to see Rob Zombie, and when I got home, it was too late and I was too ston tired to watch something full-length. But Rob Zombie showed a lot of clips from ‘House of 1000 Corpses’ and ‘The Devil’s Rejects’ during his set–does that count?

October 19th The Nightmare Before Christmas in 3D variax joined me for the movie, and I didn’t think it was possible, but I loved it even more in 3D. Stylistically, it’s a movie that transitions very well to 3D, to the point where I felt like I was hanging out in Halloween Town. It was worth the drive to cow-town through pouring rain and flooded-out roads.

October 20th Slumber Party Massacre color, 1982. I’m pretty sure that the only reason they include the basketball scene near the beginning is so that they could have a shower scene immediately afterward; which is even more peculiar since it parades itself around as a movie written by, directed by, and starring women, based on a book by a well-known feminist writer. For all that, I saw a hell of a lot of T&A in this movie. The serial killer wears a White Trash Suit–jeans with a jean jacket, something I’ve also heard referred to as the Canadian Tuxedo. So every time the murderer appeared onscreen, it was accompanied by exclamations of “Look out, it’s the Canadian!”

…He kills everyone with a portable drill, and doesn’t talk until the end, at which point I wished he’d never opened his mouth.

The best scene in the movie, by far, is when one of the girls finds a buzz saw with which to go after the serial killer, picks it up, and runs with it…not realizing that it was plugged into the wall, and she’s knocked off of her feet when she runs out of cord.

Also, I miss movies that tell you exactly what is going to happen in the title.

October 21st Ringu color, 1998. I figured I’d rather see the original than the remake, even if it means that reading subtitles might take away from the overall scariness. Now, I have been watching a lot of cheesy scary movies this month, but this is still by far one of the scariest movies I’ve ever seen. Still nothing to keep me from sleeping properly, but I hope to find more movies that follow this creepier, less visceral vein–gore doesn’t scare me. Even when he’s talking about the environment.

Up tonight: Alice, Sweet Alice.