We all know that Taco Bell isn’t Mexican food. I don’t think anyone who eats at Taco Bell wants it to be Mexican food, they want it to coat their stomachs in a hurl-resistant grease coating to keep your favorite bar’s well swill from revisiting your mouth on its way to the sewer system.  Or at least that’s the reason I would go to Taco Bell, which makes their addition of breakfast items suspect to me. Who’s going out and getting hammered first thing in the morning? It’s really more of a hazy buzz time of day, which is why mimosas and brunch exist. So anyway, now there’s going to be a waffle taco at Taco Bell: a waffle stuffed with scrambled eggs, cheese, and a sausage patty (or bacon), served with syrup. Other than the shape, I don’t really see what makes this taco-like–you could assemble your own waffle taco at literally any breakfast place. So I guess the wild card here is that it’s from Taco Bell. Can you start your day off with Taco Bell? Should you start your day off with Taco Bell? Will you start your day off with Taco Bell? These are the important questions.

Pros: All the breakfast foods you love in convenient handheld form.

Cons: Rolling the dice on birthing a toilet-shattering abomination later in the day because you ate at Taco Bell. Somehow even less Mexican than regular Taco Bell food–put some chiles in the eggs or the cheese or make it a cumin-flavored waffle or something! If you’re one of those weirdos who doesn’t like the food on their plate to touch, this one is going to be a problem for you.

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Certain that the general public would eat more fruit if it wasn’t so annoyingly fruit-flavored, Crazy Apples have unleashed a number of unlikely apple flavors out into the world: tropical blast, pomegranate grape, and bubble gum. How do they do this? They say they’re 100% natural, non GMO, but that they “can’t tell you exactly how we do it,” so I’m forced to conclude that wizards are involved somehow. Perhaps wizards who couldn’t quite cut it at wizard school and hence couldn’t get important wizard jobs, but can manage to alter the flavor of fruit slightly enough so as to get Muggle children to eat it. Just a guess.  That, or they cut a little window into the apple and cram a piece of ABC gum inside.  Or they wrapped an apple seed in a piece of Bazooka Joe and planted in the yard.  Or an apple and a gumball sat in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G. What am I, some sort of apple scientist? Anyway, I won’t really be impressed until they release a cool ranch apple. You want me to replace other snack foods with apples, you need to step up your apple game to compete with the snack foods I’d actually reach for. Make it look like a ho-ho, smell like a ho-ho, and taste like a ho-ho, and I’m in. That’s not a Little Debbie in my lunch, it’s a Little Debbie CrazyApple!

Pros: two great tastes wrapped into one, ostensibly nutritious, clearly wizardry done on a varietal of apple other than ‘red delicious’ (the least delicious of apples),  the apple itself is Benjamin Franklin endorsed so it stands to reason he would also endorse Crazy Apples

Cons: the artificial taste of gum inside an apple, giving money to slackabout wizards who didn’t apply themselves, supporting the romeo-juliet relationship of a gumball and an apple, apples aren’t supposed to be chewy and bubblegum isn’t supposed to be crunchy so it’s a cognitive dissonance apple

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Ah, the hot dog. Originally imported from Germany, now made with the choicest American meat scraps and corn syrup, stuffed in a tube,  and considered an American Classic. God bless America. And God bless Herr’s, the chip company finally attempting to rival the Japanese in sheer variety of offbeat flavors. This time they’ve set their sights on hot dog flavored chips. I’m shedding a tear right now because they’ve combined America’s love of hot dogs, chips, and artificial flavoring, with Germany’s love of efficiency (why eat two when you could eat both at the same time?) into one red, white, and blue package. ‘Murrica.

Pros: The aforementioned efficiency, all American pride, uh, crunchiness?

Cons: Meat is one of those flavors that never really translates well to chip form, so this probably tastes like condiments with a funky aftertaste.

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