Burger King Japan is going to be rolling out these babies soon: black burgers with buns and cheese colored with bamboo charcoal topped with an onion and garlic sauce colored with squid ink. Oh, and the burger itself is flavored with black pepper, to fit the theme. I think if they wanted to make a truly theme appropriate black burger, they need to hire black metal bands to play in the lobby and source the meat from those all-black Indonesian Ayam Cemani chickens, but then again, no one is going to pay $1000+ for a chicken burger from Burger King.

Pros: Still a burger, how bad could it be?

Cons: That oil slick of cheese really looks unappetizing, I don’t think a bun is supposed to have the sheen of hard plastic, looks like it should come with a tiny whip suitable for cracking the fingers of those who would steal your fries, your poops are going to be insane, it’s not like Burger King is known for high-quality anything

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America, your cries to get a stomachache while you gas up have been heard and answered: now you can get fried cheese that’s been breaded in doritos crumbs. This may be part of the grand doritos plan to get a foot in every franchise that people only eat at when they have two dollars and deep-seated self-loathing, I’m not sure. What I do know is that I don’t feel even remotely hungry looking at that orange plastic molten cheese substitute, and I am generally the sort of person who gets hungry just thinking about pictures of cheese.

Pros: pleasing triangular shape, like a dorito-y grilled cheese, plenty of cheese, who doesn’t like melted cheese?

Cons: 7-11 doesn’t so much sell “food” as it sells “disappointment”, you know that it’s not cheese inside but cheez, this is going to be exactly like that time you thought it would be awesome to make nachos with doritos and subsequently got heartburn so bad that you thought you were dying

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Damn, Nabisco. You give and you give. What would my Nom or Voms be without you? For your consideration, today we have watermelon oreos. Frankly, I don’t consider golden oreos to be oreos at all, and you shouldn’t either. How disappointed would you be to order some kind of dessert that includes oreos and receive the golden kind? Exactly. They’re just boring vanilla sandwich cookies masquerading in oreo’s clothing, so I do appreciate the effort to make them taste like something other than cardboard.

Pros: It could cover up the cardboard-y nature of the golden oreo, and could quite possibly taste summer-y without the mess and seeds of the actual fruit

Cons: Artificial watermelon is nearly universally awful, if you buy these you are supporting cookie shammery

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