Not going to lie, I would watch every episode of this. Cats stirring up trouble at the garden show? Sumptuous kibble feasts? Dogs in a variety of adorable costumes? I’m so in. Plus Lady Mary can still be a total bitch.
I think we’re all familiar with the fact that Pinterest is full of subtle deceptions and outright lies. Occasionally, I forget, and earnestly believe something that I should be looking at with a more critical eye. Like, for example, this photo of Diablo Lake that I immediately re-pinned on my list of places to visit:
That’s a barrel of lies, right? But no, a little searching and the state confirmed Diablo’s unique color:
“Fine glacier sediment feeds into the lake through creeks, giving the water its brilliant turquoise luminosity.
The Diablo Dam, named from a Chinook word influenced by early Spanish explorers meaning “devil,” was once the world’s tallest dam, standing 389 feet tall. Today, the uniquely colored waters of the lake are home to brown and rainbow trout. The surrounding glaciers grind rocks into a fine powder that stays suspended in the lake reflecting an intense turquoise color.”
Intense turquoise color? I’m in, let’s go take a trip to this magical lake!
….oh.
While there might be a slight turquoise cast when the sun is hitting the lake directly, it mostly just looks like a lake. Until you photoshop the shit out of it, that is.
Oh wow, so breathtaking! But why stop there? Come see the amazing ever-changing multi-colored waters of Diablo Lake, the greatest all-natural wonder in the world!
I heard about the Pinata Bash about six months before the actual event date, which was plenty of time to make a killer pinata. Naturally, given six months to make it, I really only got started in earnest the week of the event, because time pressure makes me excel, or at the very least, gives me a primo excuse for not making something to the best of my abilities (“What did you expect, I put it together in ten minutes?“). I ultimately ended up making a dragon pinata primarily out of cardboard with a thin skin of paper mache, because I remembered all too well how quickly the last pinata I made was sliced in half.
The rules were as follows:
-Your pinata must contain a prize pocket
-The contents of the prize pocket can be anything so long as it’s not liquor, liquid, or potentially hazardous (but it was indicated that it would be ideal if you put in things that people would actually want)
-The pinata can’t be bigger than 5’x5′ or too heavy to lift with a rope and pulley
That was pretty much it! My dragon rolled in at just under five feet long, with jaws that snapped up and down when he moved, and was stuffed with seven pounds of atomic fireballs and chocolate coins. I was happy with my construction and my chances at snagging a prize until I got to Re-bar and realized that some people had worked way, way harder on theirs than I did and deserved the prizes way, way more than I did.
Clash of the Titans
Death Star
Dancing Emoji Twins
Ghostbusters
Kandi Kidz RaverBallz
Romy and Michelle’s Escape Helicopter
Smash the Patriarchy
Sadzilla
The first portion of the evening was the judging portion–the judges checked out all of the pinatas, made some initial notes, and then each builder was invited onstage to answer questions about their pinata. Seattle’s Mayor of Burlesque, Jo Jo Stiletto, wanted to know my dragon’s name, backstory, and magical powers, and I was suddenly thankful for all of the bullshit I make up on a regular basis, because while I walked into the club with a generic nameless dragon, I was able to come up with something on the spot. “He’s an…uh… Icelandic dragon who goes from house to house at night, breathing in his minty fresh breath through the windows. Whenever people wake up in the morning and say “Ooooh, it’s crisp!”, that’s him. His name is, uh, Skarsgård.”
After everyone talked about their creations, the judges conferred and selected the winners.
First place: Clash of the Titans. Obviously! This thing had light up eyes and the creators spent a full six months perfecting it.
Second place: Smash the Patriarchy. This one surprised me–sure, the name and concept were funny, but I would have pegged the death star or the ghostbusters ghost for this slot.
Third place: Ghostbusters. It even came with a proton pack smashing stick!
Last place: Sadzilla, where the only prize was a hug from the judges. They were openly cruel to this girl, not just about her pinata, but about her–one said she seemed retarded, and I was appalled. It doesn’t seem like this is how you should treat someone who spent time, effort, and money creating something so you could have an event to destroy it AND paid more to enter a pinata than they would have if they’d paid cover as a smasher. That was the big bummer of the evening to me.
The other bummer was how damn stingy builders were with their prizes, which is what I found out when we got to smashing. The entire point of smashing open a pinata is to get at the goodies inside, so yes, it is a total dick move to stuff your pinata full of glitter, opened fortune cookies, and old dirty socks. Or three starburst.
Skarsgård went down in one hit (the pinata curse continues), and the crowd fell on him and pocketed his guts within seconds. Someone carried around the head like a trophy, eyeless, because someone else had ripped them out as their trophy. I’ve never seen anything like it, and I’m even more convinced that I would not do well in a mob-type situation. Someone get these people some candy, stat! And take away their sticks!