Category Everything is Terrible

Why Progress Sucks

I was just reading Everything Everywhere, a blog on one person’s travels around the world, and this part on the pyramids at Giza is a bit heartbreaking.

“You will notice as you approach the pyramids that it is not like what you have seen in pictures all your life. While one side of the pyramids are up against the desert, the other side is right up against a residential neighborhood. In fact right across the street from the main gate to the pyramids is a Pizza Hut. That that is literally what the Sphinx is looking at.”

When I was in junior high, I went on a trip with my spanish class to Mexico. One of the places we visited was Teotihuacan, to see the Pyramids of the Sun and the Moon. They were beautiful, awe-inspiring landmarks, and it made me feel sick and sad to read that they opened a Wal-Mart right next to the site recently. That this pinnacle of an ancient civilization was lessened by proximity to a homogenized box store, its impact was lessened, it was cheapened. Here is a wonder…and here are plastic bits of nothing–on sale! Why haven’t these great treasures been preserved, been given the honor and respect they deserve?

Then, I feel a little guilty for basically admitting that I don’t want the people who live in these places to have modern things or conveniences, because it interferes with the romanticized idea I have of the ancient world. But surely there must be a happy medium? Something that will preserve these ancient sites yet not result in the Sphinx peering at a Pizza Hut?

I’m A Career Girl

My mom bought me this tiger-striped trainwreck when I was sixteen. In case you cannot tell, it’s fuzzy. It also came with a matching fuzzy miniskirt. It is unquestionably trashy, right? (Yeah, yeah, the poor fit adds to the trashiness but the muffin top is not the issue, dude.)

Yesterday, my mom called and asked what I wore to my white trash party. When I told her, she got really, really offended. “I didn’t think it was trashy. Not with that cute skirt!”

So, all along, my mom was styling me to be a high-class hooker.

Today’s First World Problem

My glasses have been slipping down my face a lot lately; has my enormous head ballooned even further, like Cristina Ricci on head steroids? Did I go to sleep and wake up as the flesh version of Mr. Mackie? When will children start to point and scream “Mommy, what’s wrong with her FACE?” At what point will I have to wear only clothes that can be buttoned on or slid up over my rear end, lest I take the risk of cutting the bloodflow off to my brain by trying to cram my head through a t-shirt hole? When do I give myself a new name, acknowledging the head spread, like ‘The Screaming Forehead Lady’ or ‘Blobula’? Do I then commission a bobblehead doll in my likeness? Will the head have to be exaggerated further lest I have the only bobblehead figure in the history of time that’s accurately proportioned?

All I know is that my glasses are starting to fracture at the temple. My favorite pair of glasses I’ve ever had, ever. The ones that are completely and utterly discontinued.

WAH WAH WAH.