Date Archives December 2011

It’s not like I ask for much. Just one thing for Christmas. Only one thing!

1 Comment read Everything is Terrible

While Jason and I were at Costco last night, we peeped into the jewelry case (as one does, because it’s part of the browsing experience, not because one is specifically in the market), and I noticed this sign and brought it to his attention. “Oh gee, honey, only four hundred fifty nine thousand, nine hundred and ninety nine dollars and ninety nine cents–it’s a steal! And free shipping!” A couple browsing nearby burst out laughing. What? I think that sounds better than saying “Oh honey, it’s only half a million dollars!” or “Oh honey, it costs slightly less than a house!” or “Oh honey! You could get this for me instead of that horse I wanted and with this gift you’ll never have to shovel horse puckey off your shoes!”

But really, if someone was going to drop half a mil on a ring, don’t you think they might like to see it in person first? Is Costco really going to be the first place you look when you’re planning on dropping that kind of cash? Isn’t that like going to Wal Mart to see if they have any discount Rolls Royces? And if you’re going to spend that much, is ten bucks worth of shipping charges going to sway you that much one way or another? Really? You see the free shipping and think “SOLD!”? Maybe if they threw in the loaded Lexus’ worth of Washington State sales tax, that would make a difference. Maybe.

Apropos of nothing since this won’t be in my Christmas stocking: Sure, the diamond is the size of a boulder but the only thing I can see is how tacky the setting looks.

Nom or Vom: Yoo-hoo that burns

3 Comments read Nom or Vom

I’ve heard that red wine and chocolate compliment one another. I’ve heard of wines that have a chocolate note, and dessert wines. Chocovine has taken these things and applied the “if some is good, more is better” logic that has worked so well for purveyors of bacon and developed a chocolatey milky thick semi-wine-like substance. It’s chocolate milk, but for adults! It’s BoKu without Richard Lewis! It’s Yoo-hoo that burns! It’s the bacon of chocolate!

Pros: The color is the same as the chocolate river that Augustus Gloop nearly drowns in, and anything that brings to mind the idea of a naughty child in mortal peril brings a sparkle to my eye. Their website indicates that it is the “#1 selling chocolate wine in America” (incidentally, I have the number one comedy blog written by a Mellzah). If you were in the middle of a desert dying of thirst, this would probably stave that off for a little while, though the booze would dehydrate you a little further and might give you a wicked case of drymouth so, you know, weigh your options. The videos on the website are funny, in a “We’re trying much too hard to be hip” kind of way, especially with that jazzy sex and the city style music in the background.

Cons: Probably not classy to bring the equivalent of an adult milk box as a hostess gift. They really emphasize using this product in cocktails, which defeats the purpose of calling it wine: wine exists so you don’t have to think about stocking a billion different mixers before a party. Sweet booze is already a road to Headache City, and they want you to blend this already sweet booze into boozy sweet milkshakes? Better set up an appointment with the toilet, you’ll be getting to know it intimately after a few of those. Who has ever had a glass of chocolate milk and thought “You know what would make this better? Heartburn!”

Would you drink this?

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