Date Archives February 2008

It’s like….fabio in a fursuit? *retch*

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Yesterday, I opened my mailbox and found this:

GOD, NO. Why would you do this to me, people of the science fiction book club? Why would you send me mail with a scandalous cover that implies that perhaps I’m into skanky werewolf sex like some sort of goddamn sci-fi FURRY? Why would you put this ‘art’ on the cover, through the mail, for my klepto mailman and in FULL VIEW OF THE NEIGHBORS? This could well ruin my political career! NO ONE IS GOING TO VOTE FOR A SCI-FI FURRY.

Which I’m not.

I’M NOT.

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OH GOD THIS IS ALMOST WORSE. Don’t call me ‘changeling’. I’m not a ROLEPLAYING sci-fi furry. I don’t put on capes and costumes and howl at the moon! Why did you do this to me, science fiction book club? WHY? What made you think that this was a swell idea, that I would respond to this sort of thing in a favorable manner?

BECAUSE I WON’T.

NO.

The one thing we *have* learned from this is that my klepto mailman is clearly ALSO not a sci-fi furry or this would’ve disappeared as well, just like matadin‘s cthulhumas package.

The politics of failure have failed! We must make them work again!

I’ve also discovered that this post fits right in with ‘Lupercalia’ which is what the Christians transformed into Valentine’s Day–a festival about werewolves, blood, and fucking. So….uh. …yay appropriateness?

A Vote for Mellzah is a Vote for Awesome

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Since I was denied entry to the caucus on Saturday by a snotty old man who told me I’d get another chance ‘in four years’, out of spite I have decided to run for benevolent dictator. Vote for me, and I will rule you gently with my iron fist!

Platform:

*Insurance companies will be summarily firebombed. The jillions they have in the bank will be seized and used to rebuild the areas ravaged by Hurricane Katrina and some swanky new levees. If there’s any money left over, use it to get socialized health care rolling.

*You heard me. Socialized health care. If Canada can do it, goddamnit, so can we.

*Abortions for some! No abortions for others! Miniature American flags for all!

*Reinstate corporal punishment in schools. If bullies got the shit kicked out of them regularly, and knew their teachers were packing stun guns, they’d think twice about driving angry loner children to the point of hit lists.

*Minor drug offenders will be set free. Violent offenders, however, will all be shipped to Utah for a ‘last man standing’ gladiatorial match. Weapons will be dropped inside at random–a sock full of pennies, a sharpened broom handle, and giant sporks. This will be televised on pay-per-view.

*Opposing politicians? Sorry guys. You’re all going to be shot. Goes for the House and the Senate, too. You’re useless, and the money we were paying you is better spent elsewhere. Except Russ Feingold. You’re cool, you can stay.

*The war? Done. Fuck that shizz in the EYE. The Sunnis and the Shiites want to blow each other to kingdom come? Have a blast, guys. Here, have a giant spork.

*Paris Ho-lton, Lindsay Ho-han, and Slutney Spears (and potentially more) will be shot on a rocket to Mars. For science. Riiiight.

*True freedom of religion (and non-religion!) and absolute separation of church and state. You can worship any invisible man/blue man/ blue man group you want, but don’t you dare tell anyone else what they should and should not be doing.

*Scientologists will be free (read: forced) into another rocket ship to go battle Xenu. Let me know how that shit goes.

*Illegal immigrants will be granted amnesty. Have YOU ever picked blueberries? Awful, awful work. But I’d still like blueberries on my cereal, so, y’know, amnesty.

*Cuba? Sanctions lifted, y’all. Quality cigars should be plentiful and cheap.

*Drunk drivers will have to walk home naked from the point where they are pulled over. Second time, with a matchstick squeezed in between their butt cheeks. Third time? You’re GOIN’ TO UTAH, BABY!

Doesn’t my mustache make me look like a natural born leader/dictator? I sure think so!

Napoleon, don’t eat it!

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Napoleon was one sick puppy last night. It seems clear to me that he devoured something he shouldn’t have, much like a goat or a tiger shark. One day they’ll cut him open and find a license plate and a G.I. Joe. This week on “NAPOLEON, DON’T EAT IT” featured a pad wrapper, a cardboard tube, and stuffed animal stuffing. Past episodes have revolved around dropped chocolate, tissues fished out of the trash, and insects. This time I’m not sure what exactly he got into, but I should’ve known that anytime he’s not attaching himself like glue to the back of my leg, and he’s in another room and that other room is QUIET, he is getting into trouble. I heard him come out to the hallway and do that sort of constant licking thing that means that a visit from the vomit fairy is in short order. Sure enough, he vomited. And then vomited again. And then started to eat fuzz off of the carpet. I banished him to the porch, where he proceeded to eat dead leaves, moss, gnawed on the door frame and tried to snag a hair tie, and then vomited again. I took him outside to munch on some grass, and he grazed like a cow for fifteen minutes and even tried to strip leaves off of the ground cover, and when I brought him inside, he vomited again. He then ran over to his dish, devoured everything else that was inside, and then ran back out on to the porch and vomited twice more. I tried to lay down the law: NO MORE FOOD, SON, to which he responded by attempting to eat more carpet fuzz. My only recourse was to lock him in his cage with just his water dish. This made him very, VERY unhappy, and he howled his displeasure to the rafters, but he hasn’t vomited since.

Poor caged boy.