Date Archives January 2008

Kent Cage Match: Napoleon Vs Unicorn

LADIES and GENTLEMEN, do we ever have a spectacle for you today! It’s a royal rumble in downtown Kent, a battle so ferocious that pregnant women and people with heart conditions aren’t allowed within twenty miles, a spectacle so spectacular that we’ve sold you the whole seat, but all you need is the edge.

In the first corner in the white trunks, our defending CHAMP-EEN and UNDEFEATED CONTENDER in his weight class and a class above, the Tyke with Bite, floating like a butterfly and peeing on a tree…..NAPOLEON RAYGUN!


In the second corner in the pink trunks, folks, is our challenger. Raised on the mean streets of Hong Kong, this scrappy newcomer stowed away on a freighter bound for Tacoma and the good life, a MYTHICAL CREATURE with NOTHING TO LOSE, found homeless and hungry in a nearby WinCo with a CHIP ON HIS SHOULDER, a HATRED for our bourgeoise society, and a WILLINGNESS TO FIGHT FOR A CHANCE FOR SHELTER….THE UNICORN!


Now, touch gloves and come out fighting–LET’S GET READY TO RUUUUMMMMBLLLLLLEEEEE!

Some fights don’t last longer than two rounds, folks. No refunds. Guess you could say he tore ‘im a new asshole, eh? EH?

Radio by losers, for losers.

Sometimes when I drive home late at night, I make the mistake of turning on the Tom Leykis show. I always, always end up wanting to punch him in his ugly face. Tonight, he was talking about how fat women will only ever date losers, because they can’t take the forks out of their mouths–that rich, successful men like himself date young, hot women because they’d never choose to date a fat one.

Fine. Choice is choice. But Leykis should recognize that the only reason he’s attracting those young, hot women is because he has money–it’s not that he’s choosing THEM, they’re choosing HIS WALLET. He certainly doesn’t have anything to offer in the looks department; one might even say he has a face for radio. Also, looking at a recent picture, that dude ALSO needs to lay down the fork.

So yeah, I’d like to punch him, but I’m afraid he’d eat my hand.