Chubby Chasers Anonymous

November 26, 2007 264 Comments read Everything is Terrible

On Saturday, Amy and I got dressed up (her moreso than me) and went out as we were both getting a little stir-crazy from the holiday. That is what we do–we get dressed up to go out to the same old bar and hang out with the same old people. It’s like home away from home.

Except this time. This time, there were a couple of really hot guys there. A couple of really hot guys who invited us back to their place. And we agreed.

Picture this, if you can deal with the lingering burn on the inside of your retinas: at some point later in the evening, I am making out with pretty much the hottest guy I have ever laid lips on. Things are going fabulously until, all of a sudden, he grabs my fat and says it turns him on.

…Let’s hear that again.

HE GRABBED MY FAT AND SAID IT TURNED HIM ON.

I pulled what has got to be the most horrified face in the history of mankind because, while I am ok with myself naked (I don’t shatter mirrors), the fat is NOT an attractant, and is, in fact, something I pride myself on keeping covered with clothing.

HE GRABBED MY FAT AND SAID IT TURNED HIM ON.

The worst part is that Amy was still…busy, so I couldn’t leave.

Gross. GROSS.

PROJECT: Flood the Office…Robot Army

November 26, 2007 36 Comments read Projects

When I arrived home late Wednesday night, there was a note in my mailbox stating that a package had been left in the office–the office which was already closed, and would remain closed for the next two days due to the holiday. It must be kind of sweet working as a complex manager, what with the banker’s hours and a bunch of extra days off a year that most people on the planet don’t get. “The office is closed due to Saint Swithin’s Day.” “The office is closed for the Feast of Maximum Occupancy.” “The office is closed because, frankly, it’s cold outside.”

However, this afforded me the opportunity to ride on the apartment manager’s nerves a bit more; I was waiting outside the door when she arrived on Saturday, and after I grabbed my package and skedaddled, she then got the pleasure of listening to no less than six answering machine messages from yours truly. “Hello? Um…I wanted to see if you were open today. I need my insulin.” “Um, hi, um, I guess the office is closed today or maybe you’re out showing an apartment, but I kind of really need my insulin…I guess I’ll try back later…” and so on and so forth.

I’m not on insulin, I’m just in the habit of making evil wenches feel guilty.

Instead of insulin, waiting for me was this package from crazyfaeriegirl!

I used to have a surprisingly similar voicemail greeting, but both my mother and grandmother were horrified by it. Damn relatives, ruining my fun!

A ROBOT!

Here he is, leading my robot army in Napoleonic fashion.

Thanks, Erica! You’ve helped make an evil woman feel guilty with your wonderful contribution to the cause.

Unfortunately, as the despotic robot ruler of these parts, I am going to have to decline membership in your club AND eventually I’ll have to destroy you.

That, or you could join me. I promise all meatbags submitting prior to the revolution fair and equitable treatment–those submitting later must either die or toil in my underground sugar caves.

Happy Crue-Giving!

November 22, 2007 6 Comments read Uncategorized

It all started with a ridiculously awful idea bellachiara6 had:

“Just so you know, I fully expect the babies to give the prayer at Thanksgiving. So start working on that. Maybe something like Shout At the Devil by Motley Crue.- Nicki Shout, shout! Shout at the Devil! Eat some mashed potatoes!- Gene”

So then, being curious girls with far too much time on their hands, we began to wonder–if Motley Crue were to put out a Thanksgiving album, what might it sound like?

This is what we’ve come up with:

“Now listen up She’s razor sharp If she don’t get her way She’ll slice you apart Now she’s a carving that turkey Passes the plates If you don’t like her stuffing You might not get any pie!” (Nicki)

“Too young (I’m too young) too young to not butter my roll….” (Mellzah)

“Kneel down ye sinners, to My turkey religion Stuffing’s been crowned the new king Cranberry sauce on the side Tomorrow’s leftover sandwiches Save the blessings for the final ring- AMEN

(take a ride on the turkey side!)” (Nicki)

“Plug me in I’m not deep-fried tonight Out of the oven again Turn me on I’m too hot to stop Something you’ll never forget Take my fork Baste my skin Sage rub’s on top tonight

No, no You better turn me loose You better set me free

Cause I’m hot, trimmed, and mostly fat-free A little bit jucier than I used to be” (Mellzah)

“I want you, I need you I want you to be mine tonight You need me, you tease me Use you up, throw you away You’re fire, taking me higher Don’t burn me, don’t let me down You need me now, I’ll teach you how Come on and go all the way Get a piece of your turkey! ah uh Get a piece of your turkey!” (Nicki)

“With his revere ware knife And his pastry chef pride The boy was a man before his time And she knew All their pumpkin pie dreams would come true” (Mellzah)

I hope that this has proved enlightening to you all. Sadly, I could probably keep going all night, but I’ve decided to show just the tiniest amount of restraint.

Now if you’ll excuse me, Nikki Sixx is going to have my legs broke.