PROJECT: Flood the Office…Day One

October 9, 2007 26 Comments read Projects

In 1492, Columbus sailed the ocean blue…and didn’t really do squat. Or at least he didn’t do what he’s been given credit for. But really, any shyster doing anything is a good enough excuse for the federal government to take a holiday, so while workers like you and I continued to toil, the post office workers got to spend a day at home watching tv and polishing their guns.

However, apparently Fed Ex employees still bust their buns on Columbus day, because when I got home, a note was on my door stating that they’d tried to deliver a package at 11am, but the dog was unable to sign for it due to a lack of opposable thumbs, and that it was waiting for me in the manager’s office.

Queen Bee-otch gave me a glare-y look when I walked in the door and picked it up; I expect she’ll make a snotty remark to me when I go to pick up the (at least two) boxes I’ll have in the office this afternoon. To which I will shrug and reply, no MATTER WHAT SHE SAYS, “The spice must flow.” Which she will not be hip enough to get, but may or may not lead her to believe that I am either (a) a gourmet chef or (b) a drug dealer.

At some point over the next couple of weeks, I plan to mail myself the floppiest dildo I can find, and THAT one, I will unwrap in the office and squeal “OMG THE NEW SHIPMENT HAS ARRIVED!!!” or “I WILL BE SO BUSY THIS WEEKEND!!!” or nonchalantly waggle it while informing the manager that I need someone to fix my clogged drain. I haven’t decided yet.

Look what apestyle sent me, you guys!

This Sunday I plan on having my pagan pumpkin festival–invites have already gone out via myspace and facebook, but should you not have either one of those handy doodads and want to attend, let me know.

On Saturday night (the 13th) I really, really, REALLY want to go to Maris Farms’ Haunted Woods. It’s supposed to be insanely scary! $15-$20, depending on how long you’re willing to wait in line. Since it’s even down past my neck of the woods, it seems that the best thing to do would be to meet at my place and carpool the rest of the way. Yes/No/Maybe So?

Monster Movies

October 8, 2007 5 Comments read Movies, Reviews

I’ve made it a personal goal to watch at least one ‘scary’ movie per day in the month of October–I have to keep it lighter or cheesier on days when Amy is around as she doesn’t do so well with anything gruesome, much in the same way that I feel I should include ‘When Harry Met Sally’ on this list; romantic comedies make my stomach churn. So far, I’m doing really well; and as an added bonus, the movies have helped me keep my Halloween mojo up so that I’m motivated to continue to sew while I watch, when ordinarily, I would’ve become disinterested/lazed off by this point.

October 1st The Brain that Wouldn’t Die (MST3K version) B/W Original movie: 1962, MST3K treatment: 1993 One of the funniest MST3Ks I’ve ever seen, with a line delivered during the car accident scene that will likely carry me for the rest of my life–“Diarrhea was raging inside me like a STORM!” I laughed until I cried.

The Lost Skeleton of Cadavra B/W, 2001 Intended as a send-up of the 50’s B movies, and hits the mark perfectly. The world was disemboweled in terror!

October 2nd Sweeny Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street B/W, 1936 Obtained for the purchase price of one dollar at Fred Meyer (with two movies AND a monster cartoon!), it’s a swell bargain but just an ok movie. The cannibalism aspect is merely hinted at, and the transfer is poor at best; dialogue is glitchy. You get what you pay for, I suppose.

Sleepy Hollow Color, 1999 I’d slam Johnny Depp like a Halloween pumpkin.

October 3rd Nightmare Before Christmas Color, 1993 One of my all-time favorites.

House of 1000 Corpses Color, 2003 Captain Spaulding is one of the greatest scary clowns ever. In fact, I may have to be Captain Spaulding for Halloween next year! Also, if a ‘fried chicken and museum of oddities + murder ride’ actually existed, I would vacation there every summer.

October 4th Prince of Space b/w, 1959 This movie made me sad to be alive.

Evil Dead II: Dead by Dawn color, 1987 This remains one of my favorites if only for the scene where he stomps on the ghoul’s head, an eyeball pops out, and flies into a screaming girl’s open mouth. AMAZING.

October 5th Plan 9 From Outer Space b/w, 1959 This movie has been called ‘The worst movie ever made’, a statement which I happen to wholeheartedly DISAGREE with. It’s far too entertaining to be the worst movie ever made. Besides, everyone knows that The Worst Movie Ever Made is Freddy Got Fingered, that cinematic piece of garbage starring Tom Green. Some friends of mine spent COLLEGE DOLLARS renting it, which are higher value than BIG PERSON DOLLARS because there’s no more of it coming in, and we couldn’t get past the first fifteen minutes. The verdict was that we all hope Tom Green dies in a fire. The Second Worst Movie Ever Made is really anything starring Pauly Shore.

October 6th Ghoulies II color, 1987 I first saw this movie as a wee child, and it terrified me. For years afterward, I would compulsively check the toilets for a toilet monster, sometimes looking two or three times before I would take a seat. This is one of the rare movies where the sequel is far, far more entertaining than the original. In this case, it wouldn’t have been too difficult considering the original, in something I previously considered physically impossible, both sucked AND blew at the same time.

October 7th The Ninth Gate color, 1999 While real men may love the ninth gate, I just thought it was ok. I’m good with the non-ending ending, I’m just not enthralled with how it got there–for 97% of the movie, the main character has one goal, and then in the last 3%, it’s like “hey, also, I want to meet the devil”. Without the driving force throughout the film, or even a larger portion of it, the last bit plays hollow to me.

Young Frankenstein b/w, 1974 Not one of my favorites of Mel Brooks’ efforts. I know, I know, I am alone in that remark. Funny sometimes, but not hilarious. However, the ‘putting on the ritz’ performance makes me laugh every time.

Up for tonight–Ju-on. Supposed to be GRUESOME. I can’t wait!

Hallo-weenie.

October 8, 2007 26 Comments read Everything is Terrible

Yesterday, I went to Target to pick out some items for my coworker’s daughter’s baby shower. I made certain to maintain a scowl the entire time I was in and around the infant department, so that the scenario that occurred the LAST time I purchased baby items would not be repeated. What happened last time, you ask? A small child pointed at me and screamed ‘LOOK MOMMY, SHE’S HAVING A BABY!!!’ No. No, I am NOT having a baby.

After grimacing my way through the infant section, I also went to great lengths to skirt around the maternity section, giving it a 1-department radius, so no women would give me a ‘knowing’ look. NOT PREGNANT, GODDAMNIT. My ‘glow’ is pure, shimmering hate.

Since I was already out and about, I had to check out all of their Halloween wares–shaped cookie-cutters, tchotchkes, and most important of all–dog costumes. The cuteness, I could hardly stand it. They had bee costumes, and dinosaur costumes, and little hoodies with a glow-in-dark skeleton print, and orange-and-black stripey sweaters…one of the best reasons to own a pet is being able to force it into humiliating holiday-themed costumes, which makes me about as fit a pet owner as Britney Spears was a mother; a government agent will be by my home shortly to take Napoleon away and give custody to one of my deadbeat ex-boyfriends. The only thing that kept me from purchasing a back-mounted dinosaur costume was the sure knowledge that my dog would maul me for my indiscretion.

However, I just couldn’t say no to this one:

“Ooh, the embarrassment. SHE WILL PAY. Oh, how she will pay!”

“WHO IS LAUGHING NOW?”

The costume was cute and all, but I’m not really certain it was worth the loss of my left arm. Why, oh why did I tempt the fates?