PROJECT: Flood the Office…I Put On My Robe And Wizard Hat

October 18, 2007 12 Comments read Projects

elisel‘s package arrived today; this is the same girl who was kind enough last year to mail me a copy of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles cassette tape, so that I might rock out to April’s Ballad and drive my neighbors out in the process. That package had a teenage mutant ninja turtle sticker on it–this girl apparently has a wealth of awesome 1980s stickers at her disposal. I’ve got some domokun stickers somewhere, but that’s about it. I need to start gluing HeroClix to things I send out in the mail.

Oh yes! My very own wizard hat! What were the odds that this would arrive on the same day as a box from Peter Pettigrew? Fortuitous, I tell you!

I cast Lvl. 3 Eroticism. I…turn into a real beautiful woman? Don’t fuck with me bitch, I’m the mightiest sorcerer of the lands. Robots are trying to drill my brain but my lightning shield inflicts DOA attack, leaving the robots as flaming piles of metal. King Arthur congratulates me for destroying Dr. Robotnik’s evil army of Robot Socialist Republics. The cold war ends. Reagan steals my accomplishments and makes like it was cause of him.

In other words, thank you, elisel!

…I think the apartment manager knows something is up.

Fright makes Right

October 16, 2007 11 Comments read Uncategorized

I spent most of Saturday getting my apartment ready for visitors, and, of course, Saturday was a gorgeous day–possibly the first sunny, nice day this entire month. So I spent most of Saturday cleaning and cursing myself for picking the wrong day for the party, because the forecasts for Sunday all of a sudden were rather unpleasant. I envisioned people walking in a pumpkin patch with mud up to their ankles and then walking into my freshly cleaned home and practically wailed in despair.

Luckily for me, Sunday was gorgeous, too.

Carrie, Anne, jimhark, and amazoni met me at the pumpkin patch–conceptcanibal, Dick, and Kayleigh were coming over later with pumpkins they’d already bought.

Here, Jim shows off the shirt that has been his favorite for years and years he’s more than happy to ruin with pumpkin guts. Oh Windows ME, most hated of operating systems!

Eventually, Carrie was talked into the wheelbarrow, which encouraged the rest of us to give it a shot. Unfortunately, when Jim gave Carrie a ride, it was all fun and games. When I hopped up into the wheelbarrow, it turned into a dangerous thrill ride from hell. Jim seemed fairly interested in murdering me in a pumpkin patch, in very short order.

And then he tried to kill me, with Anne. I had my camera zoomed in to take a picture, and he started running directly at me…but with the zoom, it looked like he was much closer than he actually was, so I shrieked and jumped into the pumpkins–only to discover that they were still a good distance away. Smarts, I am filled with them.

OH, REVENGE IS SWEET.

From these sweetly smiling faces, you’d never think that we were the sort of people who would try to murder one another via wheelbarrow, and mostly, that’s true–we generally try to use whatever is handy, and wheelbarrows aren’t around all that often.

This pumpkin…reminds me of someone. Ah, yes, now I remember! It reminds me of Chyna. Namely, Chyna’s clenis. Please, for the love of Cthulhu, do not google that at work. Or at all. It’s pretty gross. Anyway, EVERYONE in the pumpkin patch got to hear the fact that I thought this pumpkin had a clitoris, as I screamed it across the way to Jim, who I knew would come and check it out. I wasn’t wrong. He thought I should buy it, but I felt that it belongs to the ages.

And here’s what we all came up with:

Anne made a Frankenpumpkin!

amazoni made a night sky pumpkin!

jimhark made an emoticon pumpkin. Nerd. 😉

conceptcanibal made a grim reaper, Dickzilla made an angry face, and Kayleigh did a night scene with spooky figures, bats, and the moon. The reason everyone looks so hot and tired is that my apartment heated up to practically 1000 degrees from everyone’s exertions and combined body heat. Having the dog running around like a whirling dervish among pumpkin guts and knives didn’t help things, either.

Here’s my pumpkin! I’m quite fond of the drag-queen eyebrows.

You kids who didn’t show up, you missed out on some good times; you’ll just have to look forward to Carve O Thon 2008!

Monster Movies Part II

October 16, 2007 2 Comments read Movies, Reviews

October 8th Ju-On Color, 2000 Not as grisly as I had heard/anticipated, but genuinely creepy, and I’m glad I didn’t watch it just before bed.

October 9th Vampire Hunter D: Bloodlust Color, 2001. Mmmmmm, Vampire Hunter D.

October 10th Eegah! Color, 1962. Arch Hall Jr’s performance in this film made me sad to be alive. “Wow-zee-wow-wow Roxy!” And then he starts SINGING and it somehow gets EVEN WORSE. Also, watch out for snakes.

October 11th Elvira’s Haunted Hills Color, 2002. I first saw this at a pre-screening at comic-con with the lady herself, and yet somehow I managed to avoid telling her that once upon a time, I dressed up as the nerdiest, fattest version of her, EVER in the hopes of getting a boy to like me . Now I sort of wish I had, if only because watching people contort their faces to try and remain polite is secretly hilarious to me.

October 12th Cat’s Eye Color, 1985. This was intended as a vehicle for young Drew Barrymore, at some point in her career after ET, but before rehab. In this movie, she plays so many people’s daughter that you either come to the conclusion that (a)all little girls look alike or (b)that girl’s parents must be REALLY awful for her to be shuffled around like that. Two of the three segments are really successful, but the last one sucks pretty hard. Best to shut the movie off 2/3rds of the way through. You won’t have missed anything, promise.

October 13th The Wild Wild World of Batwoman B/W, 1966. This movie was so bad, it hurt me physically. So…a bunch of girls pledge themselves to Batwoman. The pledge involves drinking blood, or rather, strawberry yoghurt, and then giggling about being vampires. And then dancing. A lot of dancing. Something happened after this point, but I’m not certain exactly what, as my brain tried to escape.

October 14th Army of Darkness Color, 1992. Not only do REAL MEN love this movie, so do I. “Ok, you primitive screwheads, listen up! You see this? This…is my boomstick! The 12-gauge double-barreled Remington. S-Mart’s top of the line. You can find this in the sporting goods department. That’s right, this sweet baby was made in Grand Rapids, Michigan. Retails for about $109.95. It’s got a walnut stock, cobalt blue steel, and a hair trigger. That’s right. Shop smart. Shop S-Mart. You got that?”

October 15th Jesse James Meets Frankenstein’s Daughter Color, 1966. Based on the title alone, I figured this movie would have to be awesome. Never judge a movie by its title. I’m a little surprised that Mystery Science Theater 3000 has never done this one–then again, it would just be too easy.

Up tonight: I haven’t decided yet–a trip to the video store is in order. I’m hoping they have Piranha Part II: The Spawning; I hear that these fish defy the laws of nature and FLY.