Yesterday I came home to a note on the door from the hardworking folks at Fed-Ex, AND one in the mailbox from the not-so-hardworking folks of the US Postal Service stating that I had packages in the office. JOY.
I walked in to find THREE waiting for me. The office beeotch said as I walked in the door “Package queen, you’ve got more packages AGAIN today.”
….
(wait for it…)
….
:shrug: “…The spice must flow.”
An eyebrow shot up, its owner possibly contemplating the ‘drugstore.com’ box. “Well….whatever. One of them sounds broken.”
What is she doing? Shaking packages like it’s nearly Christmas? Because, frankly, that’s exactly what I did, and when I opened the package, this is the note I discovered, to my great delight:
What was in the box? Small things that made very strange sounds, indeed! As you can see, Napoleon was extremely interested in the contents, because anything that comes into the house actually belongs to HIM unless he deigns to allow other people to have it.
Thank you, faerieburst! The teeny skulls have taken up residence in the pirate bathroom, and I imagine that the binder clips will come in handy when kids come by to trick-or-treat–the dog will be binder-clipped to the couch and thusly save me a costly lawsuit! Also, I will likely check out bookmooch, which would be way more awesome if I could actually part with books.
The large package on the bottom was from my dad, who generally supports my foolish endeavors, especially when they involve (harmlessly) fucking with someone for a laugh–so now you know where I get oftentimes cruel yet awesome sense of humor from. This is a man whom I VERY fondly recall laughing at a woman in church for having a rear end so enormous that the row of buttons traveling down the back of her dress actually lay horizontal. Not telling her so and making her feel bad, of course, because that’s not how we roll, but struggling with laughter so hard that tears rolled out onto his cheeks. In church.
Yes. We’re going to hell.
He sent me some shoes! True, I took ballet for about a week when I was 6; I quit because I wasn’t good at it right away. What’s the lesson here? Never try. The point is that now I can PRETEND to be a pretty pretty pirate ballerina. The fact that they make…unfortunate noises when I walk is of no consequence.
The other package, the one from drugstore.com? That’s for my Halloween costume–a box of latex gloves. What am I doing with an entire box of latex gloves? Oh, wouldn’t you like to know! Patience, kids. 10 more days and all will be revealed.
I must say, your dad has cool handwriting.
I would participate, but I have no idea what to send you. 🙁
Send something tragically ludicrous or ludicrously tragic! 😀
Like the tears of a clown?!
EXACTLY.
Send me a copy of The Onion! 😀
hee hee hee
I was HOPING she’d shake it and be very confused. And god DAMN, it looks like FedEx fucked up my box. That bottom corner is all crushed in! Bastards.
I added the handful of pasta for noise AND the surreal touch. I figured you’d appreciate it.
And yes, you should definitely check out Bookmooch if you’ve got books you want to get rid of. It rules. And then some.
Also, I hate flats. I only have 2 pair of flats (tennis shoes and hiking boots) and I have over 90+ pairs of shoes.
But I am REALLY diggin’ those pirate ballet slippers. Damn your father.
~Aramada
It definitely holds the honor for most surreal package I’ve ever opened! 🙂
Bookmooch is likely way better for redistributing old books than bringing them to half price books–where for a stack of books you might get ONE new-to-you one.
I’m generally not a flats person myself–given that I am basically a midget, I like something that adds a little height. But these ARE fun. 90+ pairs? I don’t know if I’m insanely jealous or would just go insane trying to figure out which pair to wear every morning. 😀
“It definitely holds the honor for most surreal package I’ve ever opened!”
Yay! I’m number 1! I’m number 1! Suck it, Trebeck!
“Bookmooch is likely way better for redistributing old books than bringing them to half price books–where for a stack of books you might get ONE new-to-you one.”
Yup. Much better. Bookmooch operates on the 1 book = 1 point (domestically) system. So, someone mooches a book from you, you get 1 point. You want to mooch a book from someone else, it costs you 1 point. It’s brilliant in its simplicity.
“90+ pairs?
Yeah, and I’m only at about half strength, recovering from the pairs that Hurricane Katrina took, the fucking jealous bitch. She should have GOTTEN HER OWN DAMN SHOES.
“I don’t know if I’m insanely jealous or would just go insane trying to figure out which pair to wear every morning. :D”
We are currently working on boot racks. Mmmmm, boots.
~Aramada
Oh my god, I’m drooling. That sounds like a breathtakingly amazing Shoe Wonderland. That’s not furniture. That’s ART.
Hurricane Katrina needs a baseball bat to the knees, that shoe-stealing whore.
One of these days, when I stop being a lazy fucking bastard (AHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, that’s never gonna happen), I will take pictures of the wall of shoes so that its glory can be appreciated far and wide.
Probably after the boot racks are finished, so they can rightfully share in the adoration.
Mmmmmm, adoration.
And yes, Miss THANG does need a baseball bat to the knees. She probably didn’t even APPRECIATE the shoes she took. She probably just tossed them in some swamp and never even looked at them again.
I hate her.
~Aramada
The damage to that box helps the effect, though, and when the contents sound broken before the package slingers get it, you can’t expect them to be especially gentle. Not to mention that it doesn’t really look like a sturdy box.
Plus, the box wasn’t so badly damaged that anything managed to escape, so it’s all good!
I’ve never worked line haul, but that’s a successful delivery in my book!
Please remind me never to ask you to help me move boxes of glassware anywhere.
You shouldn’t ask me to move glassware anyway, because the 4-hour flight would certainly enhance my already prodigious clumsiness.
Excuses, excuses.
Actually, it was a shoe box, so fairly sturdy to start with.
I think they drop kicked it.
From Seattle to Kent.
~Aramada
I would be so impressed if that were the case. SO IMPRESSED. We must locate the person capable of kicking that far, as they represent our best hope for eventually being able to kick someone (or something) into next week.
“…as they represent our best hope for eventually being able to kick someone (or something) into next week.”
Boy howdy, could I use a person like that! Keep’em on retainer, they’d always have work.
And then some.
~Aramada
A shoe box is definitely sturdier than the box looked to me. Possibly some abuse by the package slingers here.
HI-LARITY
I CANNOT WAIT UNTIL YOU GET MINE.
And as for the shoes, They would look quite kicky with just a pair of jeans and a black hoodie. I am also a bit of a midget, but I enjoy playing it up from time to time… boys like short girls they can cuddle. At least my boyfriend does.
::vomit:: (monkey roll, monkey roll, monkey roll)
Which is, shockingly, EXACTLY what I am wearing today.
…are you stalking me? Because that would be super.
See, now you need to strut that shit, because people are going to want to snuggle with you. “Look at that delightfully kicky girl! She looks cozy AND fun!”
Based on past experience, I’m pretty sure I don’t want to snuggle with anyone who wants to snuggle with me.
These shoes are not nearly kicky enough when a face-kicking is involved.
At the risk of exposing myself to internet humiliation, I must confess that I was working up the courage to ask you out when you packed up and moved away from SoCal. So not everyone who likes you is a certifiable freak.
I am, undeniably, a total nerd though. 😀
DAMN IT. You should’ve jumped the gun faster. 🙁
When do you actually do any kicking? Try never. This is maybe the reason you aren’t getting cozy… because you are attempting to kick when you should be attempting to snoog.
You say that is if you are unfamiliar with the sort of person who attempts to touch me. Honestly.
Awww. Don’t worry Robot. I will always have room for you in my pocket. Aaaaaand you can have a yum yum.
But totally not in a lesbian way.
I know, I know. It’s about comfort and joy, comfort and joy.
I still would like to reiterate that you in some sort of gauzy outfit coooling me with a palm frond would be VERY COMFORTABLE.
AND joyful!
I found the most ridiculously awesome-looking sword in the entire world. It was part pirate cutlass, part no one knows what. The hilt had a goddamn hook on the end. A HOOK. LIKE A PIRATE HOOK. It was completely retarded. I was going to get it for you, but I didn’t know what Washington laws were on weaponry, or even what Illinois’ laws were on shipping weaponry.
I was going to buy it today just in case, but when I went back, it was gone.
I have been thwarted, but I REMAIN RESOLUTE. I WILL SEND YOU A PACKAGE.
I think generally as long as it’s not a gun or explosives that are being shipped, it’s fine. I can’t say I’ve ever had to consider the laws regarding shipping weaponry before.
…that is the craziest-sounding sword EVER. Perhaps it’s a hook-and-stab sort of thing? Like Scorpion’s ‘GET OVER HERE’ hook and then an instrument of stabbery on the other end?
I can’t wait to see what you find. 😀
OH MY FUCK I FOUND IT ON AMAZON.
Its name?
“42 inch Pirate Sword Removable Metal Hook Samurai Sword New”.
The description?
“You are looking at a beautiful pirate sword that has too many features. The Main Feature of the sword is the sound it makes when you open and close the sword. The Blade Sounds nice just like a pirate Sword Shown in Movies. This sword makes the same sound when you open or close it.”
Prepare to have this shit shipped straight to you.
FUCK YES.