On Thursday, Tobie and I attended the World Extreme Pencil Fighting Championships VI: Hot Lead at The Funhouse. Pencil fighting started in the schoolyards, but most experienced pencil fighters dropped the sport upon graduation. Only the truly dedicated went on to the Pro Leagues and risked all for the chance to call themselves champion. Many organizations and leagues formed, each claiming to be home to the real Pencil Fighting Champion…UPF…WCCPFC…WWPFW, but the true fan’s choice and gold standard for Pencil Fighting was always the WPFL. In 1995 longtime WPFL owner Silas Ticonderoga III sold the company to his oldest son Silas Ticonderoga IV, who took it to the “Extreme” and rechristened it WXPFL. This move angered and alienated longtime fans, but opened up pencil fighting to a whole new generation of young fans. These Extreme Pencil Fighters – now called “Gra-fighters” – are now touring the world and bringing the splintered wood and bloody knuckles of Pro Pencil Fighting straight to you! In these matches, Pro Gra-Fighters take on each other and some randomly-selected audience members for the highly-coveted Pencil Fighting Championship Trophy.
In pencil fighting, two challengers face off, each armed with a regulation wooden pencil taken from a factory-sealed pack. The only recognized regulation competition pencil is the Dixon/Ticonderoga #2 yellow – graphite core, cedar shaft, latex eraser with aluminum stay.
The pencil may not be sharpened or altered in any way prior to initial combat.
A Pink Pearl Eraser flip determines which fighter strikes first.
The loser of the eraser flip becomes the “Defender” and holds his or her pencil firmly with both hands in a horizontal position.
The winner of the eraser flip becomes the “Striker”, and then brings his pencil down in a vertical strike across the opponent’s pencil with full force, attempting to break it in two.
If the Defender’s pencil does not break from the Striker’s attempt, then it becomes the Defender’s turn to strike.
This repeats until one player’s pencil breaks in two and cannot continue.
If a pencil is cracked, but not fully broken in two, referee determines whether said pencil can continue.
The current WXPFL Champion “Balls Deep” Brian Chesbrough was suspended by WXPFL Officials for using a body-enhancing steroid OTHER than WXPFL Sponsor Buff Nuxx. So, WXPFL owner Silas Ticonderoga IV has vacated the title, and now the tournament was a direct shot at the championship…if the most dangerous pros in the business can be beaten!
There is a lot of crossover in this league from Seattle’s other extreme sport, SST: Ronald McFondle, Big Show, etc. There are even MORE theatrics in Extreme Pencil Fighting, however. The first competitors, the Asshole Brothers, came out to loud boos from the audience–they whipped out pencils from their too-tight pants, broke them, and flung them at the audience. I myself was struck in the vulnerable right boob with a shattered pencil from one of the Assholes. Real danger abounds around every corner in this club. I should consider myself lucky that I took a pencil to the chest as opposed to the lit incense that was chucked out into the crowd.
Two Assholes entered the ring, and only one Asshole left: the remaining Asshole was moved into the next bracket toward the championship. After the Asshole Brothers came Ronald McFondle, who has also taken up MCing in addition to flashing his balls at the audience. He performed a number about fisting his clown hos with the current Top Pot Donut Eating Champion, and then got down to the business of fighting with the first audience member: benzarius.
Somehow, Ben ended up with a crotch full of clown paint and a broken pencil.
The next match was the Yellow Dragon versus the Librarian, in which the Librarian was victorious.
Then came Big Show vs the next audience member, who dubbed himself the Annihilator, I believe.
The Annihilator…annihilated Bill Bates, and then it was time for one more audience volunteer to take on the Hundred Dollar Man.
That volunteer was me.
I stepped onto the stage, informed everyone that I was a dildo barbarian, carefully selected my pencil, which was then inspected by the judges, lost the eraser toss, and held out my pencil for the first strike. It was broken on the very first strike. The referee said he’s actually never seen that happen before, which are words that I am sadly getting used to hearing. It’s my family curse. “I’ve never seen that happen before!” Yeah, buddy? Stick around.
The Hundred Dollar Man eventually went on to win the championship, so I don’t feel as badly about my loss. The swag bag I got for participating helped ease that sting as well. Plus now I have two new classy shirts to wear should I ever have occasion to throw another White Trash Extravaganza.
All of the good photos are by someone other than me who I fully intend to credit when I find out their name. If it is you, please tell me and I will credit immediately, or remove your photos, whichever you would prefer. All of the shitty ones are me or someone with my phone.
…I envy your life. o_o
You can pretty well have my life if you train yourself to hone in on the most ridiculous things going on in your area. 🙂
Fortunately, it’s not THAT hard. I know I’ve ceased to be amazed at the goings-on downtown when I saw a man walking down a street with a parrot on his shoulder.
And this is the city with the taxidermist who dressed up squirrel carcasses and has them reenact different things.
I *need* to go see the squirrel carcass dude. Have you gone yet?
Not yet! It’s appointment only or else I would be there in two seconds flat. My sister really wants to go someday, though, so I’m waiting for her and I to venture forth.
http://www.roadsideamerica.com/story/2247
I am thinking about squeezing a visit there into Trash Tour of the USA 2011.
OH and White Squirrel Heaven.
AMAZING. I want him to put little angel wings on them!
!!! There was a weird little “museum” in the upper floor of a little store in the tiny resort town in Minnesota where we lived (and where my parents owned a restaurant) before we moved to Seattle! The dude had little taxidermied frogs in various poses and costumes, like a “girl” frog in a bikini, posed next to a “boy” frog pumping iron. It was so strange.
One day, I’m going to own a ‘museum’ like these. Managing a roadside attraction is my destiny.
I suspect you’re going to need to learn some taxidermy skills, my dear. You can’t depend on the kindness of strangers to create such wrongness as you’ll want to display.
You say that as if I’m not completely prepared to learn this skill should the opportunity present itself.
Well, I could hook you up with an apprenticeship to a taxidermist. You’d have to spend some time in Butte, Montana, though.
That’s kind of far to go regularly or I’d consider it!
owwwww. my psyche has been irreparably burned.
Awww, it can’t be that bad! 🙁
Ugh, clowns
*shudders*
I’m not a fan of clowns, either, but this one manages to freak me out and entertain me at the same time.
i totally almost went to that but didn’t know anyone that wanted to go! dang it.
I can’t believe Ronald Mcfondle was there. His rap video his amazing/terrible.
I am *always* down for this sort of thing, FYI. 🙂
I had no idea that McFondle had a rap video–and now that I’ve watched it, I kind of wish I had remained blissfully ignorant.
THIS IS A REAL THING???
oh my god i need to see it.
Are you in Seattle? I can let you know when they do another one!
I’m in Boston. 🙁
Well, poop. 🙁
I read the first couple paragraphs of this, went “What the FUCK?”, then took a closer look at the poster’s name and said “Oh, it’s just Mellzah.” 🙂
cheers,
Phil
One day, the goal is to get you to just assume that every strange thing you see is associated with me. XD
World Extreme Pencil Fighting Championships VI: Hot Lead
I am in awe of the awesomeness O_O
I had an idea that it would probably be awesome before I went but the actual awesomeness in person stunned me.
you do the most amazing things!!!!