On Sunday, some friends and I had a Vanilla Ice-a-thon, which consisted of two movies: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II, and the amazing, can’t-believe-I-hadn’t-seen-it-before, Cool as Ice.
Dinner beforehand played out like Vanilla Ice: Behind the Music, as each of us brought our esoteric Ice knowledge to the table. “Did you know that he’s a motocross champion?” “Did you know he tried to make a comeback as a rap-metal artist in the late 90’s at the height of nu-metal’s popularity?” “Did you know he was involved in backyard wrestling?” “Did you know that ‘Ice Ice Baby’ is the only video to ever be permanently banned from playing on MTV? They actually had Vanilla Ice come in and destroy the video himself. He was a good sport about it but you could see that he wasn’t happy about doing it.” “Are you familiar with the concept of ‘icing’? Apparently there’s some sort of bounty if you ice Vanilla Ice.”
While we probably should have been downing Smirnoff Ice while watching this film, we made do with gin & tonics with lots of ice, ice baby…but not too much, lest our drinks get too cold, too cold.
Cool as Ice is a film that ostensibly has a plot and some underlying themes. The main theme is “Whatever a normal person would do, you should do the opposite.” So if you’re in the witness protection program, not only should you go on TV, but when your dumb ass is found and threatened by these figures from your past, you shouldn’t immediately call the police and instead wait until your child is kidnapped. If some dude on a motorcyle tries to kill you and your horse with his awesome stunt, you should probably date him. If that dude is Vanilla Ice, and you find him in your bedroom one morning and he wakes you up by jamming an ice cube in your mouth, you should probably take your top off instead of screaming, like a normal person would do.
It also arguably has some of the best, most believable dialogue of the last twenty years with Vanilla delivering lines like, “Drop that zero and get with the hero,” “What’s it like to have parents,” “I’m gone like yesterday,” and, approximately every other minute, “Yep yep!”.
It is horrible. I love it.
I’m also considering being Vanilla Ice for Halloween this year. Who could resist this tempting ensemble?
Apparently, Ice makes an appearance in the Juggalo Western, Big Money Rustlas, which is on the docket for a group viewing sometime this fall. Western wear or clown paint required.
Vanilla Ice once jammed an ice cube in my mouth while I was sleeping. All the doors were locked. I have no idea how he got in there.
Does screaming make me less of a man?
No, no, it is precisely what a normal person ought to do. Unless you took your top off for him afterward in a striptease fashion, which would decrease your manliness by a factor of fifty.
Oh.
um.
I definitely didn’t do that, then.
Shhh, baby, we don’t want to wakey your parents. You don’t remember axing me in here? Just you shut your mouth and get naked. Also, here is that thing I stole from you.
Sounds….wow – So this guy wasn’t gutted in the process of spewing that crap? Sad.
Apparently this straight-laced girl was charmed to discover Vanilla in bed next to her.
Well, wouldn’t you if you found this next to you?
In no way does that look like a douche.
D:
I can smell the Axe from here!
drakkar, baby. Drakkar.
Well in that case, it’s boning time.
hahahahaah!
I had “Elwood” written across the knuckles of my lacrosse gloves when I played.
I hadn’t heard of this one either until The Nostalgia Critic reviewed it…oh man. “The spatula on my forehead approves.”
I keep forgetting about The Nostalgia Critic, I’ll need to check it out!
Jason Mewes is in the juggalo movie as well.
I hope you stayed through all of the credits to see the “B kool stay n skool” tag at the end of Cool as Ice.
SHIT. Time to watch it again!
IMMEDIATELY AFTER THAT YOU SEE HIM FIXING HIS HAT WHILE ON A MOTORCYCLE!
I have a Vanilla Ice story! Its about as close as I’ve got to a brush with fame, as sad as that is….
The band I managed years ago opened up for Vanilla Ice at the old Fenix Underground when he was doing the nu rock thing. The show was huge, but as I stood there hocking T-shirts next to the big-boobed, overly tanned bimbo at their merch table, I saw more people walking by to laugh at the T-shirts than I saw buy them.
Mr. Ice and his posse were pricks. We had played the Fenix a million times, including with some very notable bands, but he was the only one that said we had to be kept away from anywhere that his band would be. Nobody was allowed to talk to them, approach them, come near their cheese tray.
We were, however, allowed to hang out in the wee little entrance to the stair well next to the exit. We got to witness their little prayer huddle before the show, and the testosterone driven pre-show psyche up, which was fabulously inspiring. Then they came running into the club and up on stage with all their freshly psyched up energy and rock star-ness.
I don’t use the phrase “douche” to describe people or their actions very often, but this was easily the douchiest display I’ve ever witnessed. It has provided years and years of mockery.
Really? How could anyone who looks like this possibly be a douche?
Oh wait.
I would have bought a shirt for the laughs.
Is it sad that I can’t tell if that’s the Jim Carrey impersonation or the real guy? I don’t think it’s sad, really. I do find it telling though.
I totally had his CD when I was in jr. high. I’m not sure if I should be happy or sad that it got stolen a couple years later. Also, if I’m gonna watch TMNTII, it’ll be for Ernie Reyes. 😉
You’d watch for Ernie Reyes instead of Vanilla? That’s cold.
As ICE.
Best Ernie Reyes movie ever: The Last Dragon.
Sho’ Nuff.
I envy him his epic quiff.
I want that epic jacket, which will inform everyone who sees me that I am a TOTAL BADASS.
I noticed on IMDB there is an in-depth listing of everything written on the jacket.
That will make it so much easier when I make my own super-sweet lady-killin’ jacket.
I wonder if sex with him would be… exciting and different or… you know. Plain. Regular. Usual. I’m sure there are other words for it.
Hahaha. So vanilla, it leaves you cold.
AS ICE.
Whoa, hold up. Stop everything.
You were wondering about having sex with him?
You said it, dude.
Well, there I was, then something grabs a hold of me tightly. I didn’t know what it was, but it flowed like a harpoon daily and nightly.
I found myself asking, “Will this ever stop?” The only answer: I don’t know.
I have not seen Cool as Ice but I’m pretty sure I need to. Also, Juggalo western?? Such a thing exists?? I’m pretty sure I need to see that too.
Yup, Big Money Rustlas is a direct-to-dvd release which is how you know it’s going to be AWESOME.
“Lose that zero; get with a hero”
They used to play it all the time at my local video store. Probably to keep the employees from watching whatever was playing and actually assist customers.
hahahahaha that is one way to keep you working, yes!
I tried to convince a friend of mine to go see his nu-metal band when they played in SoCal in, uh, 1998? He refused. I was sad. And not about to go alone to a Vanilla Ice concert.
It would be dangerous to go to a Vanilla Ice show alone! You might explode from all of the snarky comments you have inside with no one to snicker with. 🙁
It would be a Great costume but where on earth would you find those pants? You would have to make them.
I would also either have to find a pompadour wig or sacrifice my own hair for the laughs.
And, and, he is a home improvement maven as well! It almost makes me want to get cable.
HAH! How did I not know about this?? I might have to mark my calendar when no one’s looking.
OH MY GOD. This stands to be way better than his stint on The Surreal Life!
I’m also considering being Vanilla Ice for Halloween this year.
YESSSSSSS