Cripple Creek: With tumbleweeds at 2, 4, and 6pm.

April 3, 2014 Comments Off read Attractions, Colorado, Everything is Terrible, Mountain, Travel, USA, West

If you spend any time researching places to visit in Colorado, odds are, you’ll read about Cripple Creek, the once-bustling mining town that’s now overrun by the wild donkey descendents of the pack animals prospectors set loose when their gold prospects dried up. A town ruled by despotic donkeys who can be bribed with treats and will pose for photo ops? I’m in! The day was cold but clear, and both Jason and I were excited to check out history as well as the donkey despots. There’s a turn-off that overlooks the town, so the first order of business was to take photos there. The second order of business was to creep slowly through the town, looking for roaming donkeys. We looked, and looked, and looked…nothing. Things we did see: casino, casino, police officer giving a speeding ticket, casino, casino, casino, casino…no donkeys. A little disappointed, we parked in a lot near the museum, figuring we’d check it out and get the scoop on which casino the donkeys like to visit.

CLOSED. At the information center, we found out that the nearby Mollie Kathleen Gold Mine tour was also closed. The famous wild west brothel? Closed. “But we have lots of casinos!” the employee pointed out helpfully. And what of the donkeys? “Penned up for the winter.” NOT SO WILD, I GUESS. Cripple Creek? More like Crapple Creek. No donkeys. No mine tour. No museum. Just casino after casino. They may as well advertise “Come to Cripple Creek, spend your day losing money in a depressing hovel, and make sure to get a souvenir speeding ticket before you leave!” as we saw someone else being pulled over as we left. I can’t imagine why anyone would want to burn rubber to get the hell away from this place.

Look at those photo ops, just behind a fence, taunting me.

Look! A donkey! Just like on the brochure! They never said the donkeys were alive.

This is the face of disappointment. Congratulations, Cripple Creek, you made Jason sad. Are you proud?

“No, they’re minerals. Jesus, Marie!”

February 11, 2014 Comments Off read Attractions, Florida, South, Travel, USA

On our trip, we made certain to save some time for The Dinosaur Store & Museum in Cocoa Beach, as they reputedly have the most elaborate display of fossils for sale in the world. They don’t let you take pictures inside the store, so you’ll have to imagine precisely how elaborate that might be, but they did have some really awesome things. We ended up bringing home an ammonite from the Jurassic period, a piece of polished hematite that I thought looked cool (sort of like an insect’s eyeball), and an alligator foot cast that is perfect for giving high-fives.

We also went to Ron Jon’s surf shop as it was directly across the street. I needed a new pair of flip-flops as any semblance of padding there used to be on my old pair had long since been ground to dust under the repeated impact of my elephantine legs. I found a suitably comfortable replacement (like mini mattresses for my feet!), and while we waited in line to check out, a young girl ran up to her mother and insistently said, “Mom. MOM! I have to show you these or I might go crazy!” I was definitely intrigued and wanted to know what she was talking about. So now I have to show them to you, or I might go crazy.

You’re welcome.

Save

I believe that Dinosaur World is the only place where a boy like me can be happy.

January 20, 2014 4 Comments read Attractions, Florida, South, Travel, USA

One of the things we wanted to see outside of the immediate Orlando area was Dinosaur World, which is essentially Florida’s Jurassic Park, except a few expenses were spared and all of the dinosaurs were frozen in place. When we arrived, I realized my description required a correction: all of the dinosaurs were frozen in place with incredibly stupid expressions on their faces. Continue reading →