Searched For dinosaur

“This tree was cut down and tarted up like a dime-a-dance floozy!”

Since we’re not traveling anywhere for Christmas, this year we can put up decorations and not have it seem like a waste of time because we won’t be around to enjoy them.

We also bought a full size tree, so the mini tree has been relegated to the Lovecraftian Horror Dining Room. It was initially called the Eldritch Tree, but I’ve taken to calling it the “My Intellectual Property” tree.

In the living room, we’ve got more twinkle lights than a college dorm room and a barn wedding combined. Instead of topping our tree with a traditional (boring) angel, we went for a dinosaur.

Hark! A bright star in the east! …or a meteor come to destroy life as you know it, dino. One or the other.

There are a few schools of thought when it comes to tree decoration. One is to build ornament collections slowly over the years, amassing ones that are particularly cool or meaningful. Another is to have a tree that fits a strict theme. Still another is to buy as much crap as you can, as quickly as possible. My family always had two trees–one in the family room where the crappy children’s ornaments were hung, and a Victorian themed one in the living room that no one other than my mother was allowed to touch. (The whole room was pretty hands-off in general: white couch, stiff furniture, delicate antiques, a piano that I was supposed to play but never felt like playing until late night when no one else wanted me to play…the only time anyone ever really spent any time in that room at all was at Christmas when we exchanged family gifts and were cautioned to stay as far away from the tree as possible. Gifts from Santa arrived under the children’s tree so my mom wouldn’t have to worry about my brother shattering any glass angels in his present-induced frenzy.) I’ve got my Cthulhu themed tree, and I was hoping with the large tree to build up ornaments over time, but Jason’s mom clearly subscribes to the third method as a huge bag of ornaments I never would’ve chosen showed up on our doorstep last week. In an act of passive aggression (I’m a true Pacific Northwesterner now!), I altered one to be more us:

True story!

For the season, our T-Rex is known as “Santa Jaws”. We’ve got kind of a festive dino thing going on this year.

Actually, scratch that: we’ve got a festive reptile thing going on this year. Introducing Gibralter:

I saw him at an awesome Seattle shop, The Belfry, and when I saw his joyful smile, I knew I couldn’t leave him behind. So many taxidermied animals look blank or sad…but not Gibralter! His constant upbeat attitude is an inspiration to us all. “Did you just fart? GREAT!” “Oh boy, I can’t wait to handle raw chicken!” “Thank you so much for coming to my door and waking me up to share your faith with me!” “When you won’t swallow your pill and I have to wrestle you like an alligator, force open your jaws, and shove it down your throat….that’s my FAVORITE!” and my personal favorite “This meal is wonderful and I have no complaints about it whatsoever!” when in reality it could probably be used to spackle a fist-size hole and tastes that way, too.

In the spirit of Gibralter, Merry Cthulhumas, and in his path of destruction, may you be eaten first.

“Oh, and how is ‘education’ supposed to make me feel smarter?”

I absolutely love receiving the Bellevue College “Continuing Education” catalogs in the mail–not because I’m seriously considering signing up for any classes, but because I like to see the sort of things people pay for in the name of receiving an education. Things like:

Mystery shopping! The ultra rare Sasquatch of jobs–get paid to shop and eat out! Except what they don’t say in the class description is that you have to front the money for the shop, often waiting 60-90 days for reimbursement IF the company decides you performed the shop correctly. So pay for their products now, and the gas to get there, and the interest on the credit card and maybe earn $8-10 an hour for your time three months from now, which means it will almost take as long to see a return on your investment as a regular college degree, except no one respects you after you proudly announce you went to school for mystery shopping. It’s also not easy to get paid–I went on a mystery shop with a former neighbor and the requirements were that we make certain that specific Hewlett Packard printer papers were displayed correctly at an office store…and we couldn’t find 80% of the list. We spent two hours in that store and she never got paid, making it like a shelf-stocking internship. Oh, and there’s a mystery shopper certification class that you need to take in order to be hired by most companies…and this isn’t that class. SUCKER! You probably should have also taken…

Hint: THEY’RE ALL SCAMS. Ok, maybe that’s not true. But with as much work as it will take for you to figure out whether someone is scamming you or if the job’s for real, you could get a guaranteed non scam job. No one is going to pay you hundreds of dollars to stuff envelopes when they can get an intern to do it for free. Use the golden rule: if it sounds too good to be true, it is. There, I just saved you $60, which you can remit to me via U.S. mail. No checks, please. Though I guess there is one way to start a home-based business…

Ah, eBay. Last resort of the ripoff artist and the scoundrel, the promised land for knockoff luxury goods…unless you count the new manufactured goods that people are now selling on Etsy as ‘vintage’. If you have no idea how to set up an eBay account, I don’t know how you decided that you wanted to start a serious eBay business, but I bet that for your $79, they won’t tell you that their feedback system is irrevocably broken, you get dinged with fees three times–listing, commission AND paypal (and eBay owns paypal, so they’re triple-dipping the same chip), and that a buyer can receive a product, say they didn’t, and you’ll have to refund them completely even if you can prove you shipped it. Plus, nobody wants to buy your used crap, they all want NEW crap at bargain prices–you could feasibly LOSE money selling on eBay. If only you could predict what people will buy…

Become a futurist! Sorry, they won’t tell you exactly what that is without you shelling out the $70, but from what I can discern from the description it probably involves a time machine. What they also won’t tell you is that in addition to your course fees, you’ll need to provide your own DeLorean or police box AND a shovel and knee-high boots to wade through the pit of bullshit they’re spewing. I do see a bay in your future. Bay…bay…eBay? San Francisco Bay? Bay…

Oh, LaBay. Yes! The “let’s nap and make shit up” class, yours for only $39! Based on the exhaustive 8 hours of research I did into my past lives last night, I can tell you conclusively that not only did I personally walk with dinosaurs but I was also a person who intensely liked doughnuts. Probably some kind of royalty, I can’t imagine that I was ever someone common in one of my past lives, but definitely doughnut-oriented. This knowledge of my past life does help to give my current life some context and perspective–I need to be the sort of person I want to dream about 60 years from now when I’m reincarnated as a cyborg with laser eyes.

None of these appeal to you and your educational needs? There’s always “Quality Cruising For Cheapskates”, “Views of the News with Jim” (basically paying someone to talk about current events with you, for those who have no friends), and “Quilts! Quilts! Quilts!”. Who says education needs to be educational?

“I can find a good career at this museum, or at least see if they fixed that mislabeled raccoon I complained about.”

On our second day in San Diego, Jason and I visited the Natural History Museum in Balboa Park, arriving in time to see the Skulls exhibit but thankfully missing the Titanic exhibit–the fewer times I’m reminded of the three hours of my life I wasted watching a movie about a selfish woman who tells rambling stories about banging in jalopies, getting drunk, and showing her boobs to people, who then throws her legacy into the ocean, the better.

First, Jason made friends with a dinosaur.

Next, we saw a display of a velociraptor being torn apart by hungry rats. I have problems dealing with the idea of the flamboyant assassin of the dinosaurs being eaten by small mammals, yes, but I have even more of a problem dealing with the fact that Liberacesaur is being devoured by animals with such derpy looks sculpted onto their faces. Particularly that guy on the left.

I don’t even remember what this animal is, but riding it was far more important than learning anything.

Then, Jason made friends with a manatee.

Upstairs was the exhibit about skulls. Surrounding the area was a blackboard that people were encouraged to draw on–I honestly don’t know how they thought any good could come of this. I’m shocked that we had the self control not to draw wangs all over everything.

In the skulls exhibit, I learned that rhino poachers are extra super huge douchebags as the “horns” they kill the animal for are just lumps of keratin (hair and nail protein). Good job, guys, maybe next time you can make your magic potions when you clip your toenails instead of making all the world’s rhinos extinct.

Your compass is broken.

Also upstairs, they had a tank filled with animal bones that were being cleaned by their “helpers”, flesh-eating beetles. It smelled about like what you might expect a warm tank of bugs munching on fetid tissue might smell like. After we were done checking out the skulls, it was time to go downstairs to watch a 3D movie. We’d carefully considered our options and decided to go with “Sea-Rex, the T-Rex of the seas” because we felt like it would deliver on all levels, but especially on the blood and gore level (but always with an eye toward science, mind).

What we got was a 3D movie about a creepy late middle age time traveling guy hitting on a young teenage girl. I am shocked that none of his “Let me show you” statements ended with “my penis”. Also, what’s with this “T-Rex of the seas” bullshit? Is this the only way they could get people interested? I watched an entire film about it and I barely remember that the actual name of the creature is the Mosasaur because it was blocked out by the phrase “T-Rex of the sea”. Granted, I could have just been crabby while watching said film as I was hungry and there was no concessions stand available to sell me the “T-Rex of hot dogs” or the “Ankylosaur of sour patch kids”. There was also no blood or gore. Disappointing on all levels–but if you don’t believe me, now you can own it on blu-ray! We were very nearly running out of time but decided to be a little late to our next engagement so we could see the minerals exhibit. “Formed by unimaginable heat and pressure deep inside the earth, minerals explode in a vast pa–ugh.” This bra made of precious gems and metals makes my bras seem both comfortable and affordable by comparison.

It bears mentioning that this is the only section of the museum that contained armed guards, but we were still allowed to touch many things–and everything we could touch, we DID touch. I was especially keen to lay my hands on a meteorite as I like the idea of handling something that was hurtling through space (No, I do not have an astronaut fetish). Since we visited San Diego, Jason purchased a small meteorite and I go handle it almost compulsively. I’m sure I’d be typing with it in my lap right now if it didn’t weigh so damn much.

This piece is called “Neptune’s Daughters”. I think it’s time to call CPS.

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