The other day, keebler138 said she was sending me a shoebox that was sure to cheer me up–and it certainly did! The first part of the cheeriness came from getting the notice on the door and waiting until just before the office closed to go down and pick up the package, leaving Queen Bitch to stand and sigh and huff and puff with her arms crossed, while I carefully and slowly sorted through packages, with a soft and delicate touch usually reserved for those who are handling tiny bird eggs.
The package itself, however? JOY.
It took me some time to actually open the package, as the last time I encountered a tape job that thorough, it was when I wrapped a friend’s birthday package in strapping tape, duct tape, and three colors of electrical tape–eventually said friend had to resort to using a razor to cut through everything, as did I.
When I opened the box, there was a wonderful rendition of the US and our respective places in it, reminding me of how much it sucks that many of my awesome friends are far, far, far away. Also, I would like everyone to note that this drawing is to scale–I could theoretically stomp across the country in less than fifty steps, but have refrained thus far out of concern for the environmental catastrophe I would cause. The giant foot of Mellzah would crush the just and unjust alike, and that is unacceptable–I would much rather smite people who deserve to be smoten, using my own particular scale of 1-Asshole.
Naturally, I opened the envelope first.
I must say, I was very, very impressed with not only the selection of contents, but the reasoning behind it. Now, every single time my lips feel even the tiniest bit chapped, I will feel motivated to swipe on yet more chapstick–I could run into Johnny Depp at any moment, and wouldn’t THAT be a shame to have dry lips at a critical juncture?
Incidentally, Annie, did you know that ham plays a very important role in pirate adventures, or was it a supremely awesome guess? If you were not aware, ham is the most favored of all pirate foods. Pirates depend on ham; they must have ham. When they go on adventures they absolutely have to make sure they have enough to last the duration, plus extra to impress other pirates. Ham is the great equalizer, uniting Captain and crew in purpose and harmony. Whether it’s boiled or roasted or smoked (and there is contention among pirate crew members as the best way to prepare it, in terms of flavor and volume loss in preparation), ham is a force for good. The pirate captain himself has a special prize ham, glazed and bedecked with a ribbon, but that is neither here nor there. This must be some sort of dehydrated ham sandwich, as it requires washing before consumption. As it is specially prepared, I can’t taste-test it now or I risk not having special ham with which to impress other pirates. This is truly a valuable currency on the open seas, and a very thoughtful gift! Thank you!
I was also super-excited to see that the pirate cannon actually fires, and have already created battle scenes involving it as if I were a hyperactive five year old. The only thing keeping me from following the battles to a giant ‘king of the ring’ style showdown is that I cannot decide whether in a battle between a pirate with a cannon, a robot, and vampire hunter d, who would win. Throw Morrigan in the mix and I’m even more dumbfounded.
The pirate and cannon have already taken their rightful place in my pirate bathroom, near the bitching pirate hook sword that pandemoniachick sent me. Speaking of which, here’s a video that I meant to post in that entry–Cautionary Tales of Swords:
Swords will FUCKING KILL YOU. They could fucking SLICE A BABY IN HALF.
I wish I could say I was clever enough to know about the ham, but I’m not. I was just amused at the fact that a toy meant to look like food has no warning label on it saying that it’s not fit for consumption. But I’m glad it ended up being pirate related anyway!
I was personally proud of myself for finding Pirates of the Caribbean candy with vitamin C so I could make a reference to scurvy. =P
And, of course, I’m glad to make a contribution to the pirate bathroom. One day I swear I will have my own themed bathroom!
Most importantly, I’m happy to fulfill the mission of making the office lady huff and puff.
I’m glad you liked the package!
Considering they have labels on just about everything else on the planet stating it’s not safe for consumption, I’m surprised at that, too! Maybe it’s secretly really delicious/nutritious. Like some sort of astronaut ham sandwich.
The very same day you choose a theme for your bathroom, I swear I will get something appropriate out in the mail for you. Get a’choosing! 🙂
Thanks again, you totally made my day. AND made the office lady huff and puff, which is even better.
Considering they have labels on just about everything else on the planet stating it’s not safe for consumption, I’m surprised at that, too! Maybe it’s secretly really delicious/nutritious. Like some sort of astronaut ham sandwich.
The very same day you choose a theme for your bathroom, I swear I will get something appropriate out in the mail for you. Get a’choosing! 🙂
Thanks again, you totally made my day. AND made the office lady huff and puff, which is even better.
I wish I could say I was clever enough to know about the ham, but I’m not. I was just amused at the fact that a toy meant to look like food has no warning label on it saying that it’s not fit for consumption. But I’m glad it ended up being pirate related anyway!
I was personally proud of myself for finding Pirates of the Caribbean candy with vitamin C so I could make a reference to scurvy. =P
And, of course, I’m glad to make a contribution to the pirate bathroom. One day I swear I will have my own themed bathroom!
Most importantly, I’m happy to fulfill the mission of making the office lady huff and puff.
I’m glad you liked the package!
I just want to know if the office harpy was disturbed or not.
The first part of the cheeriness came from getting the notice on the door and waiting until just before the office closed to go down and pick up the package, leaving Queen Bitch to stand and sigh and huff and puff with her arms crossed…
Second sentence, son.
The first part of the cheeriness came from getting the notice on the door and waiting until just before the office closed to go down and pick up the package, leaving Queen Bitch to stand and sigh and huff and puff with her arms crossed…
Second sentence, son.
I just want to know if the office harpy was disturbed or not.
Ooh, that’s a pretty nice Goonies Map too 🙂
I’m going treasure hunting–want to come with me? 🙂
I’m going treasure hunting–want to come with me? 🙂
Ooh, that’s a pretty nice Goonies Map too 🙂
If you’re that concerned, i COULD be troubled to find you a map of the U.S. that’s divided into “Red state v. Blue state” or more appropriately, “Red county vs. Blue county”. That way, the Giant foot of justice would do no wrong, and you could just play “Justice hopscotch”!!!
oooh, hopscotch for great justice! I like it!
oooh, hopscotch for great justice! I like it!
If you’re that concerned, i COULD be troubled to find you a map of the U.S. that’s divided into “Red state v. Blue state” or more appropriately, “Red county vs. Blue county”. That way, the Giant foot of justice would do no wrong, and you could just play “Justice hopscotch”!!!
oh god, that sword video was so awesome.
you MUST ALWAYS be prepared for johnny depp. jeesh!
when i was in the chicago art institute store, they have all these little medevial toys and i totally had jousting matches with them in the store.
Fooling around is the best part of any job–when I worked at Music Center (on Green Bay Road in Kenosha), my coworker buddy Craig and I would have ‘teach yourself an instrument’ days, where we’d make horrifying ‘god what died’ sounds on tubas and ‘cat screaming’ sounds on violins.
I would looooove to have a jousting match. Have you ever seen The Cable Guy? They go to Medieval Times and just start wailing on one another with weaponry–that looks like SO MUCH FUN to me.
Fooling around is the best part of any job–when I worked at Music Center (on Green Bay Road in Kenosha), my coworker buddy Craig and I would have ‘teach yourself an instrument’ days, where we’d make horrifying ‘god what died’ sounds on tubas and ‘cat screaming’ sounds on violins.
I would looooove to have a jousting match. Have you ever seen The Cable Guy? They go to Medieval Times and just start wailing on one another with weaponry–that looks like SO MUCH FUN to me.
oh god, that sword video was so awesome.
you MUST ALWAYS be prepared for johnny depp. jeesh!
when i was in the chicago art institute store, they have all these little medevial toys and i totally had jousting matches with them in the store.
i have not completed my project yet.
[FAIL]
You mean between work, The DN5, printing projects for WEFAIL, and THE WIFETM in general, you haven’t wanted to give up your few remaining personal seconds to me? UNACCEPTABLE.
😉
it has been rather hectic of late, yes.
🙁
And yet, thus far, I’ve survived. No worries, mate. 🙂
And yet, thus far, I’ve survived. No worries, mate. 🙂
it has been rather hectic of late, yes.
🙁
You mean between work, The DN5, printing projects for WEFAIL, and THE WIFETM in general, you haven’t wanted to give up your few remaining personal seconds to me? UNACCEPTABLE.
😉
i have not completed my project yet.
[FAIL]