Mercy sakes alive, looks like we got us a convoy

We got another weirdo truck driver in today. Not scary-violent like the last one*, but a guy who was clearly suffering the ill effects of not being around people very often. He had a potent musk, eau d’whiskey sweat that has been scraped off the skin with its natural b.o., muddled in a dirty ashtray with just a hint of urine.

He picked up every single one of the admin’s desk decorations to inspect them and perhaps mark his territory, and exclaimed with each one “hee! Well don’t that just beat all!”

All of a sudden, he stopped. He was captivated, held in thrall by something. Just as quickly, his trance was broken as he shouted “Lookit, those pictures remind me o’ them Twilight books. You read those? She uses flowers on the cover…none of you have read ’em? It’s romance books. They’re about vampires, not like, rip your guts out vampires, but it’s a teenage love story. Ha, there was a 17 year old vampire what’d been 17 for 400 years, ’cause once you get bit, you stay bit.”

I WAS DYING, YOU GUYS. It’s not safe for me to hold in laughter like that, I could pop a kidney!

*I don’t think I ever posted about this– after scaring the living Jesus out of everyone talking about how anyone who talked shit about the Hell’s Angels deserved to die, he came back the next day, told the admin his life story, started talking about how he had hurt himself the day before (how, I don’t know, because he didn’t do any of the lifting) and then asked where the nearest hospital was. He left…and never came back. Two months later, the trucking company called to ask if perhaps we had one of their rigs. Yes. Yes, we did. Mr. Hell’s Angels? Disappeared.

I’m still wicked bad.

So, I finally got around to watching ‘Once Upon a Time in China’–I’ve only had it from Netflix for going on two months now. The movie synopsis on the envelope made me laugh:

“Fists and feet fly like lightning bolts when Wong Fei-hung defends a martial arts school from corrupt government officials, a renegade swordsman and an illegal slave ring. The finale, in an old warehouse, is awesome, with Li using every square inch of the structure in his intricate fight choreography.”

The finale…is awesome. Who wrote this copy? A twelve year old? I look forward to seeing more by this person: “Battlestar Galactica: Season 4.5: Robots and humans blow each other up and it kicks ass.” “Terminator 4: The explosions were like, way cool, and also totally sick, dude.” “Showgirls 2: Wow-de-dow I love boobies.”

Speaking of loving boobies, thank you to the anonymous benefactor who gifted me with three months of suicide girls time. I am now accomplishing nothing in my free time and I probably couldn’t be happier about it.

Miss Mellzah Manners’ Guide to the RSVP and You

Hello, and welcome to today’s lesson: The RSVP. These are four letters you’ll often see at the bottom of an invitation for a social gathering; they stand for the French phrase ‘Répondez s’il vous plaît‘. This indicates that your hosts have requested a timely reply from you regarding your intentions to attend said social gathering, yes or no. An invitation bearing the postscript ‘Regrets only’ only requires a response from you should you find yourself unable to attend.

Your hosts have thought kindly enough of you to wish to include you in their planned event; it is your duty to extend them the same courtesy so as not to cause them undue stress in terms of food, favors, and seating arrangements.

Times have changed, and people are busier than ever before, however, rules of etiquette still apply. Hosts requesting an RSVP require a ‘yes’ or ‘no’ answer, not a ‘maybe’. Replying with a ‘maybe’ is insulting; either you can commit to attend, or you cannot. A ‘maybe’ is akin to informing your hosts that you might attend unless something better comes along, which, as you might well imagine, is very nearly the height of rudeness.

When you receive an invitation out of the hosts’ warm wishes for your company and you choose to ignore it, be warned that your hosts may not think to include you the next time, as you’ve quite clearly indicated that you do not think as fondly of your hosts’ company.

If life interferes, if weather conditions don’t permit travel, if transportation issues arise, it is important to notify your hosts of your inability to attend so that they do not hold up the proceedings on account of someone who will not be arriving.

As in all things, it pays to be courteous to your hosts. They are expending time and money on your account, and there may come a time where you would certainly appreciate the same courtesy in return.