I actually did it – I climbed the unclimbable mountain! Bow down before me everyone, for I am your king!

While my dad was in town, we hiked up Mount Rainier. This time, I actually brought supplies (more water, a lunch, a jacket, rain gear) and was the worse off for it, because now I had to lug a pack up with me when I’m far more accustomed to merely lugging myself around. I eventually had to hand my bag over to Jason due to shooting pain in my “unergonomic shoulder”–the desk I worked at for the last five and a half years was too high for me, which forced my arm up into an awkward position in order to use my mouse, which did a number on my shoulder over time. Now, when I carry something heavy, or have my arm raised for anything more than a few minutes, the shoulder lets me know I’ve gone too far by responding with deep stabs of pain. More often than not, Jason will end up carrying my bags, which means I really should try to coordinate with both outfits instead of just one.

By far, one of my favorite genetic traits I inherited from my mother is my inefficient cooling system. Essentially, while performing any sort of physical activity, my face turns as red as a ripe tomato, regardless of how my body feels, prompting those around me, friends and strangers, to ask if I am currently embroiled in the process of dying. This red face sticks around for hours. In school, I would dread the days we’d run in gym class, knowing that I’d be displaying evidence of the activity for the remainder of the day. No one wants to ask Beet Red Bobblehead Betty to the prom, and that’s a fact.

We hiked up to the snowline and decided we didn’t want to go any further, since none of us particularly relished the idea of a potential fall into dirty, icy snow, and/or possibly sliding to our gruesome deaths. I’ll pack a sandwich, but crampons are overkill for a casual hike. Since we stopped early and had energy to spare on the way down, we cast hate rays at the families of people who were diverging from the trail, stomping the fragile meadows. Why try to keep anything nice for anyone else, right?

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“An army of dogs! No bully will ever touch me again.”

Some friends are getting a new puppy soon, and we were invited (read: I weaseled my way into) to come play with the little fluffballs. If there’s anything better than a pile of snoozy puppies, I’ve yet to see evidence of it.

I’ve repeatedly threatened to Napoleon that we are going to take him to a dealer and see if we can trade up to a better model. When we came home, smelling of puppies, I think he started to believe me.

“Helen, please. Don’t drop the J-bomb.”

This weekend we attended the 4th annual Pumpkin Hurl and Medieval Faire (or, as it was abbreviated on their schedule, Hurl Faire, which brings to mind an entirely different sort of gathering) which marks the start of the Snohomish Festival of Pumpkins. The event organizers, recognizing that while trebuchets flinging pumpkins is an awesome premise, there’s also a lot of downtime between tosses, and thus it became a medieval catchall, with “knights” on horseback hacking veggies on posts, “viking” battle classes, and, of course, shops with food and sundries. The best part about visiting a medieval faire, ANY medieval faire, is that none of them are authentic. Everyone gets to be lords and ladies for the day instead of struggling with class warfare! Knights battle each other instead of slaughtering peasants for funsies! Wood fired pizza, roasted corn, and turkey legs instead of pottage and stale bread! A distinct lack of plague, leprosy, and typhoid fever! About the only thing that’s the same is dental hygiene, given that since I’m without insurance, I’m just about as likely to have my tooth pulled by a barber.

Oh, how the mighty have fallen…

After the horseback demonstrations ended, we were allowed to go meet and greet with the horses and their riders. Being able to look and not touch at the Puyallup Fair was torture, so I was quick to take them up on the offer. When the horses whuffled their soft breath into my hands, I instantly became the horse-obsessed, brace-faced twelve year old I used to be, starry-eyed, and slurping through my headgear. If I’d had a bigger car, I would have probably tried to steal one of them, namely the dark grey Warlander. Before I could work on the logistics of cramming a horse into my backseat, Jason hustled me away to viking battle class. In class, we learned the difference between Hollywood theatrical fights and real swordfights, the basics of protecting yourself, getting your opponent off-balance, and proper striking technique, with large wooden shields and swords. We were then paired off to fight one another, ultimately having a sparring match with everyone in the group. The instructor said “Ok, people, it’s like you’re fighting in oil. Slow movements, slow strikes, we aren’t looking to actually injure anyone here…except the girls, who are really going at it!” It’s true, when I was paired with the other girl, we battled like it was going out of style. However, most of the time someone came at me with a sword, I found it prudent to turtle up behind my shield. Sure, I wouldn’t be able to see my enemy, but I also wasn’t going to take a sword to the head. After our mock battles, we were taught about how to form a shield wall, and after we charged at one another, class was dismissed.

Then, it was time to watch pumpkins being launched downfield.

By far, my favorite part of the third video was the man standing next to us, describing the scene for someone on his cell phone. “It’s going…it’s going…it’s going…it’s going…I can hardly even see it! Oh man, it’s a tiny dot! Oh jeez!” Ever since, Jason and I have been commenting on anything even slightly remarkable with “oh gosh!” “oh jeez!” “oh gosh!” “oh jeez!”

Next year, I’m showing up with a horse trailer.