Some of these would make great t-shirts.

February 10, 2012 2 Comments read Everything is Terrible

Thank you, Google Analytics. With your data crunching, I now know I’m reaching my target market…or that the following things attract people to my blog:

anal bleaching ghost sex if you barf I’m gonna spew snake holding baseball bat “boobs through” hole ass jesus foal billionaire mummies fucking dickzilla dildo stage handjob from my mom how big is a dinosaur poop mermaid “one of her pasties” screwnicorn strap-on seanted shoelases sucker is my second name vanilla ice had a tee shirt with a gator on it why does the hair on my feet hurt

I aim to deliver a high-quality experience that includes billionaire ghost mummies having anal sex with a twisty strap-on while wearing tee shirts with gators on them next to a big ol’ dinosaur turd and a snake holding a baseball bat that likes to watch. I’ve got no idea what an ass jesus foal is, however.

That Helen Mirren can class up anything.

February 9, 2012 4 Comments read (f)Art

A friend of mine always goes to see all of the Oscar nominated films before the awards ceremony itself, and late January/early February is a flurry of films for her. Tonight we were having dinner, and she mentioned that later this evening she’d be going to see “Albert Nobbs”, the story of a woman dressing as a man so that she might earn a living as a butler in 19th century Ireland. “That’s odd,” I exclaimed, “What’s-her-butt, uh, Helen Mirren has a butler movie out now, too! She wears a prosthetic and everything!” “Really?” my friend asked, puzzled. “Nominated?” “Oh yeah, in the makeup category I think.” “What’s it called?” “Uh..uh…The Butler’s Ding Dong…also known as “I made it up”.”

I’m lucky she didn’t reach across the table and slug me.

Now it probably should be made into a real movie. Potential taglines include: “You rang?” and “One lump or two?”

Nom or Vom: “Instead of chewing gum, chew bacon. You could brush your teeth with (bacon) milkshakes!”

February 8, 2012 2 Comments read Nom or Vom

Late to the bacon craze, Jack in the Box has nevertheless jumped in wholeheartedly, advocating that we marry bacon…or at least eat their blt burger and bacon milkshake. Wait, bacon what?

BACON MILKSHAKE. Creamy. Smoky. Surprisingly kosher AND vegetarian. But would you eat it?

Pros: It’s a way of cramming more bacon into your lunch, especially for those who cannot normally eat bacon. It meets or exceeds government-established daily ice cream recommendations. As it’s neither artifically colored nor scented, it would be a wicked funny prank to give it to someone who thought they were getting a vanilla shake.

Cons: Isn’t bacon kind of over? If it’s vegetarian, is it even technically bacon? There is every possibility that the combination of smoky and sweet might make you instantaneously heave up everything you’ve eaten for the last week.

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