Bless this new flavored vodka trend, because it’s giving me endless Nom or Vom cannon fodder. Why have one or two vodkas in your cabinet when you can have twenty, none of which go with the mixers you have on hand?

Aah, PB&J. Lunchbox staple as a child, comfort food that gets you hammered as an adult. But do you drink PB&J vodka neat? Otherwise, what in the hell do you mix it with? Not even the Van Gogh website seems to know, suggesting that you mix it with Dr. Pepper. I can only sort of imagine what this might taste like, and what I’m envisioning is “soggy sandwich dipped in Dr Pepper” so…you know…hardly a taste sensation. And while I love peanut butter, the thought of drinking liquid peanut butter makes me feel desperately ill inside.

Pros: In theory, it has a classic comfort food taste. Drink it at work, and everyone will think you just got back from lunch instead of that you’re a lush. Cons: Seriously, what the hell do you mix it with? Liquid peanut butter. You could just dip a sandwich into Dr Pepper instead.

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You could call this by its given name, Buttered Popcorn Vodka, or you could call it by my preferred (more accurate name), Regret In A Theater. Is it like chugging the butter-flavored oil they pump on to your garbage bag full of popcorn at the movies? Like licking the nuclear colored sludge in a bag of pre-popped microwave popcorn? Or is it like getting a delicate kiss from a buttered popcorn angel?

Pros: Buttered popcorn Jelly Belly beans sound god-awful, too, but they’re actually one of my favorites. Maybe a nip of this from a flask would keep you from ordering the $20 tub o’corn at the movies. Cons: It sounds GOD AWFUL. I have yet to taste a flavored vodka that believes in subtle anything, so I’m pretty sure this would be a full on tonsil-licking sludge kiss from a butter-flavored palm oil demon that leaves you feeling greasy from head to toe.

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